Psyche's blog: "Proceed With Caution...."

Hello fubar its me Psyche, i have an issue..dillema..situation or whatever  the hell ya wanna call it. Ya see i met this really hot guy a few yrs ago and we hit it off immediately..well in a sexual sense. I wasnt ready for a relationship and he had just gotten out of one so we became fwb's. It worked out great, id go see him whenever i wanted, get satisfaction and leave. We never really conversated or spent time doing anything except sex and to be honest that was just the way i liked it. Then out of nowhere he began wanting me to stay over, not liking when id just get up and leave but i couldnt handle that and so i ended it. Funny thing is we started randomly talking from time to time after that and it was kind of nice. Shortly after i lost my brother and i completely shut down and closed everyone out of my life for quite some time, just didnt have it in me to be anything to anyone anymore. Well a few months ago he contacted me and we've been talking ever since and yes having lots of that sex stuff. Its odd but we also hang out, watch movies and omg yes..we talk about things..lots of things and ive learned stuff about him i never knew and vice versa. We have also learned that we have completely different senses of humor but in a silly way its hilarious because we look at each other like WTF! I still refuse to spend the night with him and he doesnt like that too much. He always tries to cuddle so i usually wait til he falls asleep and then i leave, i know thats probably not nice but it works for me. Tuesday night after work i went to see him and after we humped like rabbits i let him hold me and it was nice, too nice i think, in fact i almost fell asleep kind of nice and i didnt like that feeling. So i start getting dressed and he throws me back on the bed and says in the sweetest voice..stay with me and so we have sex again LOL. Anyway after we were done i told him i couldnt and so i left. This is were it gets really scary...he has only met my girls once and it was purely accident because i dont bring men around my girls and ive never met his son or his little girl because me and him just arnt like that ya know. So anyway last night he calls and tells me he has his little girl and asked if me and my girls wanted to come up and that the kids could hang out and watch movies. He also suggested we stay the night, he said it would be late and the girls would probably fall asleep watching movies and there would be no need to get them back out. Of course he threw in that after they were asleep we could sneak in the shower and have some fun...who am i kidding that was my very first thought as well lmao. However i just couldnt do it, me meeting his kid, him being around mine, our kids playing together..how would i explain that? Me actually staying over and falling asleep with him, waking up to that..what if i really really liked it? Gah! just too much to digest and so i came up with a million excuses as to why that wasnt a good idea and i think i hurt his feelings. He texted me this morning but now he is being kind of cold and nonchalant but i suppose i deserve that. Anyway wtf is wrong with me?  I lay in bed all the time wishing i had someone next to me, i long to have that emotional connection with someone. Im ready to be in a relationship, i do want someone to call my own but when the opportunity arises i run like hell. I dont know, maybe i cant do it with him because my heart knows he isnt the one even if my head says he could be. Maybe im just fucked up...that is all.

Thanks 4 reading