Icarus's blog: "Augurs, Martyrs, and Agnostics"

created on 03/10/2011 | http://fubar.com/augurs-martyrs-and-agnostics/b340021 | 8 followers

posted on 09/21/2011&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;12:09&nbs-07:00;pm

[Return from the Deezart... to ... exploding]]
http://fubar.com/return-from-the-deezart-to-exploding/b340021-1160139

Well, I've been home for... 10 hours and I'm already pissed.

First off

Vegas S U C K E D.

I was there for what? Nine days? I got the worst headcold of my life by the second day and fucking DYSENTERY by the third.

I'm still sick.

Yep.

"Hey wanna go get Sushi?"

"No."

"Hey, wanna go get Indian?"

"NO!"

"Hey wanna lay down with a cool rag on your head and pretend like you're back home with your dog?"

But needless to say, I soldiered up got caught in traffic, got caught at the airport, got caught in casinos, got caught in a restaurant

the highlight of the outting was probably the 2 days I ate nothing, and the FIVE times I went to the bathroom during lunch, or the 3 times I had to stop on the hour long trip back to where we were staying in the ONLY gas stations for 10 miles with the most RANCID bathrooms on the planet.

Yeah...

I didn't have fun. Well, the parts where I hung out with my brother and drank gallons of water and played cards and legend of mana were fun.

But being sick on vacation is bad.

Being unable to eat, or go 10 minutes without a bathroom break in the world's busiest vacation and convention center?

Not

fun.

Especially with pre-existing IBS and constant anxiety attacks.

I managed to make a fist for 16 hours straight, my hands still clench from trying to manage that much pain and discomfort.

On the plane back- the power went out.

Completely.

We were on the ground

but I had a "what the fuck, is this plane safe?" moment... for the entire flight.

This was of course after downing an entire cabinet of drugs to manage my stomach.

I also got the body scan with patdown.

They touched my no-no.

"Have anything in your pocket?"

"No that's just me"

...

For serial.

They had to ask.

That cock-shaped bulge in my jeans that you just double tapped is me.

Also

My cousin (who we stayed with) has lived in this house for a year and a half.

He's still living out of his suitcase, his books, games, and videos are all on the floor, his computer exploded and I spent a day fixing it. His PS3 was in NO way hooked up, so I got him Hulu +, and a ton of free content for games he owns, and ... what else?

Oh- he's a fussy old grandmother.

I dunno how exactly else to describe this kid... he's ... overcompensatey.

Frequently. I mean, I've dealt with people with narcissistic tendencies, but this is more... insecure mass bravado.

Which is unnecessary, I'm unimpressed by actual accomplished people.

Your one promotion at the bank, house that you haven't payed off, and dazzling sales skills are not anything I'm interested in.

Let's take an example of overcompensatey knowitallitiveness

"You should get your dog spaid it would really mellow her out"

see- I think he reads shit on the internet, or believes what any random idiot will tell him >> but I actually had my mom to back me up this time (he has said this a gillion times to me actually)

"Mom- does my dog, that sleeps 16 hours a day need mellowing"

"... *hysterical laughter*- no, that dog plays with her ball about an hour a day and lays down for the rest, we're lucky to see her roll around and bark a couple times a night"

And he even tried to tell me how to play Legend of Mana... and Dragon Age. Granted- I've never fucking played Dragon Age

but I HAVE

played 10 more bioware games than he has

and it turns out

Dragon Age is pretty much NWN 3 with some KOTOR splashed in.

With some blood spray.

I think I know what I'm doing.

Also- he's telling me how to play Legend of Mana...

I have a doctorate in that game. Multiple builds, multiple playthroughs.

He has not completed 6 hours of it.

If that serves as an example- he also babies his car, babies his house, and kept his AC at about... 83.

I didn't mind that so much. A humidity-less heat is NOTHING to me, but my near 60 year old parents, and my brother and his wife (who hail from another deezart) would prefer to not sweat indoors.

Call me crazy

"But if I keep my AC above 77 I'll save double- I heard somewhere that if I set it to 72 my rates will double, my meter will spin 4 times as fast, and Jesus will uppercut Ghandi"

... okay one of those things he didn't say...

The five people that have had a house and paid their own bills longer than him wanted to give him $20, tell him to lower the AC, and shut the hell up.

Also, there's... something wrong with that boy's tastebuds

"OMG I gotta take you to the best sandwich place"

"OMG! I gotta take you to this sushi place"

"OMG!!! We gotta go get Indian at this place!"

Okay-

Sandwich place-

Not better than Quiznos

Here's my heirarchy

from the bottom

The place he took us.

Jason's Deli- completely average fucking sandwiches that I can make better at home.

Subway- sandwiches that have been sitting at room temperature all day with nasty ingredients and salad dressing.

Arby's- slightly heated nasty sandwiches

Quizno's- Toasty, and fatty.

My local delis- Awesome, cheap, not factory made, and awesome.

Planet Sub- Regional chain, awesome subs.

Notice that his place was at the BOTTOM.

Next- Sushi place- I didn't have any

but my brother and his wife protested the entire way

why?

Because... it had shit like

"The threesome roll"

"The flaming orgasm"

"The tickler"

"The afterglow"

... all of their names were porn names.

All their speciality sushi were novelty sized (the size of my fist) and doused in some heinous mayonaise/barbecue sauce ... it looked disgusting.

And was.

My brother refused to order anything so ridiculous.

I had udon noodles... and went to the bathroom four times.

The Indian place

"Ah you should've come- it was great, it wasn't as good as the place in Lawrence, but it was good"

Okay "place in lawrence"

is code for diarhea and fennel.

That place is awful.

My mom thinks its awful.

My dad thinks its awful.

My sister in law thinks its awful.

My brother thinks its awful.

I refuse to eat there any more.

So... the place he recommended in Vegas was worse than unpallatable dross?

Glad I stayed home sick for that one.

Now- I don't hate indian food.

I actually LOVE Indian food.

I make it myself, and it doesn't even bother my stomach.

There's even an indian restaurant in Topeka that I frequented.

They had awesome.

Place in Lawrence had unawesome.

And the whole week he kept raving about getting goat

what did he get?

Chicken Tiki Marsala

the only thing he ever gets.

Anywhere.

He likes to do things over.

And over.

He talked us into taking vacations over.

He makes us go to mediocre restaurants over.

He orders the same things.

He sees shitty movies twice in one week.

He wants to see Ka (Cirque du soleil)

again.

He went to see Jersey Boys for the second time in 6 months. "Best show I've ever seen" (I asked those that went- it was "alright")

He even played FFXIII twice...

I will never understand why he did it once- he even said it was the flaming pile of turds that every critic said it was.

and if you're going to Vegas-

don't use "Where the locals eat".

They were... 0/10? On this trip.

Go to the omelette house in Henderson.

...

That's about all the advice I have for you.

The best... worst? story I have on where the locals eat-

We went to the White Cross Drug Store- this place called Tiffany's Cafe.

I got exactly what I wanted and expected-

Corn beef hash and eggs- the kinda hash from the can.

... so... that should kinda set you up for this.

It was average.

So, its a burger counter in an OLD drug store, in the seedy skanky part of the strip, the neighborhood is rundown, graffittied, and the shufflers (the crackheads that beg at your car window) are out and about-

well the high point of the meal was when a shuffler wandered in wearing boxers, a turquoise shirt, with a shaved head, carrying a dirty grocery sack twitching and shouting to see the manager- while some reject from Magnum PI complete with stache, walky talky, huge camera, and aviators yells at her to get out.

"I wanna see the manager"

"Get outta here- you're just here to steal shit!"

"I wanna see the manager!"

"I already took your picture!"

This goes on for six minutes.

Six feet from my booth.

They eventually get her shuffling ass out of there.

And lunch at the stratosphere took 3 hours.

We were told it would only take one.

What other travesties occurred?

My putanesca is better than any you can get in Vegas.

I feel like I'm leaving some stuff out...

Honestly.

Had decent german food- but I felt I could make better- and for under $26.00 a plate.

Aaaaand... oh

don't leave my senile, whackadoo mother in charge of writing down where we parked in longterm.

"Where is it?"

"B13 Row 10"

There is a big

... 40 minutes of wandering in a dark, landmarkless hellhole difference

between B10 row 13

and B13 row 10.

Yeap- she's not living that one down.

Also the 3 hours of empty east kansas highway and the last remnants of dysentery and 30 hours without food will really wear on you.

Also

My vet stuck me with an extra $150 because they shaved my dog's ass and gave her ointment (she chews when she's nervous/alone) and allergy pills, and antibiotics

Also- my dog is in heat.

Woooooopiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee

And one of my tires managed to get completely shredded in the 9 days I wasn't here, which I didn't notice til I got it out of the garage and heard skidding.

Rim on gravel.

Hooyeah.

So I had to take my mom's brick to pick up the dog

It wasn't even my "problem tire" that blew out.

And the fucking thing looked like it had beavers go at it

and THEN

... this just in

PSN had a mandatory update for the PS3 while I was gone... PS3 connects to the internet, PSN says

NO!

Download this thing!

PS3 says

... okay?