Today is a sad day and im weighed down by many emotions and unanswered questions. Its been just over 3 months now that i come home like any other day and found my brother hanging in the garage...his eyes wide open, tongue hanging out of his mouth, so pale...an image i fight from my mind with every breath i take. He left no note, no reason as to why death was his only answer..just his cold hard body.
I still remember the last day i seen him alive, it was the day before Thanksgiving and he was gettin ready to spend the night at his wifes house (they had been seperated )..he was jokin, laughin, the happy go lucky Jason ive always known..he had given my youngest 20 bucks to go to mcdonalds and yelled at me as he was walkin out the door...love ya sis, see ya tommorow.
Unfortunately his wife got sick the next day and claimed she was to sick to bring him home so we didnt get to spend thanksgiving with him but he made our mom promise to save him some pumpkin pie..his favorite.
Apparently he and his wife had been fighten the entire time he was out there and they had made several threats toward him concerning his lil girl and up coming court date...so i guess by saturday morning her parents had enough of there fighting and brought him home...we were out doing a lil shopping and had actually passed them as they were coming into town....if i had only known he was in such pain.
I hold extreme anger toward his wife and her family but i think my own guilt over rides everything. At one time me and my brother were inseperable, we confided in each other things we'd never tell anyone else but his wife had always been jealous of that and the last couple months she had managed to come between us.
Instead of stepping in i decided to just sit back and live my own life and now i have to live everyday knowing maybe i could have changed things. I mean it hurts to know i was so self absorbed with my own life and my own friends that i didnt even notice my brother was hurting that bad, he was calling out for help and i didnt hear him.....
This is what i now live with everyday....i didnt just lose a brother, i lost a part of myself.
I love you bubba and i am so sorry i let you down.
11-17-77 to 11-24-07
