ive always had a great ability for talking.. i can do it perpetually really -- and i thought a blog would be a good place to get some of it out of my system. im sure theres very few people with the capacity to listen to the degree i can babble.. but who knows - if you wanna read - go right ahead =)
first ive always considered my truthfulness to be my best quality.. i see every moment i speak as an opportunity to try for the most honesty im capable of.. to hide as little as possible. These blogs in this category 'thinking outloud' will be just that - as close to pure truth as i can give.
today im thinking about my move out of michigan - which is just around the corner. im thinking about the fact that it seems im always running from my life - will moving to arizona change who i am, or the problems i face in my life - not really. I've always hated michigan.. but fact of the matter is.. its home. I was born here and ive lived here all but a few years of my life, its got no scene - nothing to really offer me.. or does it? This is my 'stomping ground', i know it like the back of my hand ( which is kind of a joke considering michigan is shaped like a hand..) My Christmas was always spent in a foot of snow.. and thats the way it should be i guess.. or at least thats what ive grown to think of as 'Christmas'. But really what im getting at is.. once again im just running away.. same as i ran away from lost cherry for a couple months.. same as about 10 years ago i ran away from a girl i loved... wait, technically she ran from me =) but so many years now ive looked back and thought - 'would i have really wanted that? would i have wanted to get married.. have kids.. picket fence.. shitty job? am i not actually damn lucky that i was dumped? afterall... im free.. right?' Free?
well, im far from free in my single life.. i search for freedom but have none - you see, this is the part i usually see as 'my confession', its the part i always end up telling girls when they get close to me - i explain my situation.. when my mother was in her mid 30's she abruptly went blind.. and also (unrelated)lost most of her hearing. That isnt the confession, the confession is the fact that i live with her.. i have to.. and because of that i haven't even so much as dated in years and years. Ive felt suffocatedly trapped by it all.
but thats just background stuff - see, when i move to Arizona she is going to live on her own... and i will be free.. so to speak. But im not really writing this to talk about that - im talking about running from your life.. and regrets. Regrets, ive found, are the opposite of 'giving thanks' - i've found that i say i have 'no regrets' because its pointless to think of the past as a bad thing.. it cant be changed. Yet, the truth is i regret almost everything - and to explain why that is the opposite of being thankful, if you regret what your choices - then you are at the same time neglecting what was given you because of those choices - if i regret going to art school - then im saying 'it wasnt worth what i got out of it'.. like so many movies have shown - you cant change one single aspect of your life without changing every other. It's hard to know if you would be better or worse in the exchange - so you should really just be thankful for what you have - hey, what can i say - i got a case of the damn 'holiday spirit'.. it makes me sappy.
Moving to arizona is a copout in my mind - a quick fix, bandaid on all of the things that are wrong in my life.. the equivalent of going shopping to make yourself feel better. My problems will all still be there - and as much as i hate michigans weather.. this is my home - i'll miss it. I'll miss the snow that i hate.. and all of this is just the small stuff - what about that love of mine i lost some ten years ago - moving out west is just a way of closing that off, Blocking it off - and pretending it doesnt exist.. And what about all the friends - 100's .. maybe 1000's of people i know here.. gone.. and why? so that i can pretend that running away from my life will fix it? Anyway.. these are the things im thinking about tonight - dont get me wrong, i am moving - that is no question - but the question is if its really the right thing to do.
Now.. on to another thing thats on my mind. I'm disgusted by this worlds disinterest in things that are meaningful. The world as a whole only is interested in money, sex, and meaningless fun - now dont get me wrong.. fun is fun =) but as i put these thoughts on this blog - i cant help but feel that they are 'out of place'. If you write a blog on here it should be about sex.. or maybe just post a video that made you laugh. well, fuck that - i mean.. one other reason i left cherry for awhile is that the whole thing started to get nauseating - the rating thing especially - im through with it.. to think i actually use to work to get 10's on my page - its all so meaningless. Well, i suppose it can help with peoples self esteem.. to see that they are loved by strangers - but come on folks.. now we've got people whos names have been changed to 'rate me a 10' etc. how can you gain any feelings of self worth when you are begging for ratings.. Its all rather silly to me, and so ive decided the hell with ratings - the hell with rank - rate my page if you feel like it - and i will if i feel like it. If i have to rate you a 10 to see your nudes - i probably will =) but i wish that everyone would just stop for a moment and think about what the world is turning into.. Music is the best indicator of this.. ever since rap music began the world has been more and more focused on money and meaningless sex - which yes, money is good, and meaningless sex.. i love, but please keep in mind - there is much more to life - like attaining something worthwhile - actually achieving something. I wish people wouldnt lose sight of whats important -- course - it seems thats a lost cause. Hell, who am i to decide whats important - i just know that the 'pop' music makes me sick to my stomach - it lacks substance.. feeling. Its dull and it only serves the heathenistec belief that money and fucking is all this world has to offer. I like both, but if thats all there is to this world - i wouldnt even want to be here - whatever happened to true feelings - people need to look at the big picture. Anyway, im starting to bore myself - this blog didnt turn out the way i expected.. but it is what i wanted it to be.. just me typing everything as i think it. I thought that this way - if someone wanted to know 'the real me' this would show them who that is.. every time i need to get some thoughts off my mind im going to put them in this blog - maybe the next one will be more interesting =)
later all
*hugs*
