lux's blog: "the blog of lux"

First, let me say that this story alone.. as I mention later.. is not by any means the only reason.. it's one story of many.

Second.  I was an atheist - or I suppose you could say agnostic - until the age of 25.. it was around then that some very strange things began happening.  I remember the day that I officially decided there was no God.. and gave up being agnostic.. and decided I was simply an atheist, I was at a concert for one of my favorite bands "Christian Death"... at the time I wore a st. christopher medal necklace - I called it my catholic detector.  During the song "sick of love" I decided it was stupid even debating the subject of God anymore.. there clearly wasn't one .. and I ripped the necklace from my neck and threw it on the floor of the bar. -- this was just before the month when things began happening... anyway...

It had been a very strange month.. lots of bizarre things had been happening. I had always told myself, that if there really was some sort of higher power - a "god"- there should be some manner of proving it.. see, here's my point- you have to set some form of standard that says "if X happened.. then I would believe". Most people, atheists, when I ask "what would make you believe?" they generally draw a blank. I had decided that basically if I was to challenge the concept of God as an atheist, I had to set some sort of limit. If I was to witness things which were scientifically impossible then I would believe - and when I say that, I don't mean.. things that just couldn't be explained YET..I mean things that could only be explained by a higher power. I vowed that if I witnessed these things.. then I'd believe - because without some form of test.. well, then, you will of course never believe.. cause there's no way TO believe.

So... this all led to this very strange month - where everyday odd coincidences occurred. There are too many to list and to remember.. but I can never forget this one that really influenced my belief.

-- One morning I woke up, I walked out of the bedroom and into the livingroom. The TV was on from the night before. As I put my boots on (I wore combat boots back then) and began lacing them, there was a commercial for a church service, some mega church - Robert Schuler ministries I believe. As I half listened I heard the pastor say "The Lion and the Lamb will sleep together".. and I paused for a second, half thinking about it. Then finished tying my boots and headed to work.  I worked at pizza hut.. I know , right.. anyway - all day as I worked those words kept running through my mind "the lion and the lamb will sleep together" - sortof like when you have a song stuck in your head. I'd kindof shake my head like "why is that in there?" and continue working.

The day went without event at work.. then eventually I headed home. When I got back I was bored.. and thought about what I should do for the night.

" I should go to Brian's". See, Brian was this longhaired, loser friend of mine - and Brian's house was a party house every single night. It was the kind of house that may or may not have phone, electricity, etc any night cause they were all generally lowlifes.

Good people Anyway, when I showed up at Brian's I just wanted to hang out and have a good time .

I wanted to drink.. flirt with girls - and most of all.. have a NORMAL night.  Which I was, for a little while.  I had just finished my first beer and had moved to my second when I realized that over time people had been drifting out of the living room, one by one.  It wasn't until the one person I had been talking to decided to head off.. to the bathroom or whatever they went to do.. that I realized they had all moved to the entry way, the 2nd livingroom - it was the room just behind me. I turned around and thought it was rather odd.. they were all sitting there in the room they never use.. in the dark.  I, just wanting to go where the people were, wandered into the room - and saw a dollar bill lying on the floor.  I reached down and picked it up and turned to the people sitting on the couches and said (making a poor attempt at humor) "alright, who's dollar is this?".  The joke being that they were all broke and I figured someone would claim it.. I guess.  Instead they all said in unison "that's Brian's dollar".   This kindof took me aback.. and after a second I turned to Brian. Brian at the time had long brown hair..halfway down his chest.. a mustache and an unshaven face - and was wearing his "Team 666" T-shirt. I said to Brian.."ok, Brian, can you PROVE that this is your dollar?". 

At which point Brian began shaking noticeably.  Brian then said to me "No Dave, you keep that dollar."  And I reply "umm, Brian, everyone says it's yours.. you just take the dollar", and he says back again "No Dave, you keep the dollar".  I'm like.. "But Brian, why? I don't get it" and he says to me "You keep that dollar, cause today I found a dollar on the sidewalk.. and it said on it "the Lion and the Lamb will sleep together."

At which point I threw the dollar at Brian and said "Brian, get the FUCK out of my head!"  Then Brian threw the dollar to our friend Scott.. who was a skinhead.. and as I recall was happy to pocket it.

Anyway... that is just one of many stories - stories that happened in my life.  It's definitely not the only.. but it is a major one.  They all involve coincidences.  See, at one point I decided as an agnostic.. that if I'm going to question whether or not there is a God, I need to have some sort of parameters for what would prove it to me... and I decided that it would be easy for God to prove he exists to me - very simple - all I'd have to do is think to myself "is there a God" and reach down and pick up a rock.. and on the other side it would say  "yes, there is Dave".  Because no one but a higher being could arrange such a thing.. no one but a higher being would know our thoughts and future actions (if you want to discuss my view on free will.. that would be another time).  The only part I didn't realize.. is God loves the element of surprise... he never will do it when you are looking for it.. it has to be when you don't expect.  He's kind of a bastard that way...

But hey, this is just a story to you.. not something that happened in your life.  I don't in any way expect it to influence your views.  It has to happen to you...  My point though is that for anything like that to happen.. you would first have to decide what it would be that would convince you there is a God.  A test of sorts.  Soon after I made my test up in my mind.. things started happening.  Not things I could be "looking for" - because there were scientific checks on that - for instance in the above story there was nothing I was looking for.. it was simply an impossible coincidence. 

By the way.. Brian began looking through his pocket for the dollar to show me.... but he spent it.  I imagine on beer for the party.  Also of note.. Brian was, and still is, an atheist as far as I know.  Things affect everyone differently I guess. Another thing.. if you look in the Bible - the words "The Lion and the Lamb will Sleep Together" never appear - check for yourself if you want.

And for the record... you can use lots of different ways of explaining this away - you can say it was a coincidence.. I laugh at that.  You can say it didn't happen the way I say.. well, I swear to the God I do believe in that it did.. which is why I pointed out so many details, but you're free to think I'm wrong.  You also are free to think I'm delusional.. but I promise you I'm perfectly sane.. and for that matter - I score very well on IQ tests.. in the 160 area.  I'm not stupid.. nor insane.

But.. you are free to believe whatever you wish.  I'd prefer though you wouldn't fall back on the ignorant claims that people believe because it's a "crutch" or a "mental disease" or whatever other bullshit.  I believe because I've had evidence - the same reason a scientist believes in anything he does.  I don't believe because I wanted to.. matter of fact - It's kind of a pain in the ass.  It's as if I have this figure looking over my shoulder constantly -- and I haven't changed any of my ways.. I have this guy that sees me masturbate.. cuss.. drink.. fuck.. and generally waste my life - not exactly something I enjoy, but I don't really have a choice in the matter.  That's the nature of belief - you either do or don't.

Another point about the "crutch" thing .. many people say you believe it because you want to believe in a "sky daddy" or some other tripe.  Let me ask you this... can you believe something you don't believe?  What if you want to?  Can you believe the sky is plaid because you want to believe it?  No, you can't.  You believe what you believe - not for some other reason.. but because YOU DO.

i dont have a creative name for this.. im not feeling creative.. feeling pissed -- someone broke into my car last night.. they tried to steal the p.o.s. stereo.. failed - tried to steal the car as well.. also failed - but now the inside of the car is all fucked up... and the ignition doesnt work.. even tried to use a screwdriver in it.. which im sure is what they tried - my car is apparantly theft proof.. even for me. Now i have no transportation until i buy a new ignition and get it put in.. plus various other issues like i doubt the stereo works.. and the car is going to be an ugly mess until i have the cash to fix the rest of it. on the bright side.. i do still have a car.. and a piece of shit stereo -- just cant use it til i can start it again.. called into work today.. down cash for that as well.. im about 45 minutes drive from work.. my friend is going to let me stay at his place (close to my work) until i get a new ignition.. i dunno.. just lettin the fubar world know im gonna be gone for a couple days.. maybe til monday.. and also lettin people know im not in the best of moods =(

ive decided to make things clear - i will henceforth refer girls to this article.. if i could make them sign it as affirmation it was read fully - i would. LUX ARTICLE THE FIRST - POLICIES ON INTERNET RELATIONSHIPS 1) i am not taken. i will not be CONSIDERED taken at any point - to any girl that i have not met in some capacity beyond the intranet. i am not going to be E-Married - E-hooked up - E-going steady - or E-engaged.. 2)if we were to meet in real life.. i am not at all ruling out the possibility of an actual relationship - but i do NOT intend on one. I do not plan on one.. and it is not in any way what i am looking for. 3) i am a flirt. i enjoy flirting - i am not a player.. because a player LIES and also a player gets LAID. which i DO NOT. =) if somehow you feel that me telling many girls they are beautiful is being a 'player'.. ill be quick to point out - i am gaining not a damn thing from it other than friends.. and internet ones at that. If at some point this changes and i do get real world results from this.. and my status changes - my attitude towards other girls.. and my flirting will change as well.. but for now - i flirt. 4)any jealous and possessive nature on your part will be deemed as complete and utter silliness. I can understand that if (for some reason) you take an interest in me.. it may be harsh to see me flirting with other girls.. but this will not change as long as we are only 'internet' friends. I have had occasion where i see girls im flirting with on here flirting with others... and yes - i get jealous as well - but i then realize.. there is no reason. 5)I once used the term 'luv ya' to divide up the idea of 'I love you' and the friendly style love.... i no longer do.. because 'luv ya' is stupid sounding and untrue.. because i do love my internet friends - rest assured that if i have not met you in person.. then the love i speak of is that of a friend, possibly a close friend - but still a friend. 6)if any of these ideas trouble you -- then please seek out someone who is appropriate for you.. you are apparantly looking for something serious - while i am looking to randomly flirt - and possibly.. just possibly - get laid. as i mentioned previously - if something more comes of it.. so be it, but that is not at all my goal. end of article - article may be ammended without given notice to end user.

so.. i work tech support during the day - getting peoples internet working... right? so heres some irony for ya.. i get home tonight and my comp screen says 'over clocking failed - press f1 to resume setup'.. and im like wtf?? overclocking?? i dont overclock anything... its generally a completely foolish thing to do - unless maybe youve got a super top of the line comp that can handle it.. i reboot my computer -- it boots up - and it says 'new hardware found - ethernet controller'?? what.. omg its not recognizing my ethernet controller now... well.. so i got two options - search for a driver in my windows folder or... connect to the internet to get a driver there (ok.. first off you CANT connect to the internet if you have no driver for your ethernet card.. you have no network) -- so i have it search my windows32 folder for a driver... none found. so.. the only way ill be able to get a driver is to find someone who has the internet - download the damn driver onto a disk - and return home and install it... in otherwords - no internet at least tonight (this is NOT acceptable) i reboot. everything works fine. scared the shit outta me though.

so.. talking about music stuff.. i ended up wandering over to access's site - the makers of my keyboard.. i love my keyboard.. but ive had it like 7 years now.. and its getting tired.. and one key doesnt work.. and so -- can you guys get me this: isnt she pretty <3 -- who doesnt drool over 80 stereo voice polyphony - 129 parralel effects and WaveTable oscillators... *sigh*.. in love again.. so if you guys could all pitch together - figure thats only say - 30 happy hours.. and i could have her..

so.. for awhile now ive had a big plan underway -- once i reach 'rockstar' (which i now have) i was no longer going to give a crap about points =) or ratings.. or anything like that - mainly because i think the other titles sound stupid - and rockstar is all i really wanted.. also i wanted the 'bold name' - now that im there - things are going to change alot on my page (that is if i have the time) im removing most of the pics of myself.. which ive already started doing - except for say 10 of my favorites - although ive had problems deleting some of them... i just have too many nice comments on them and dont have the heart to delete - but i will.. its just been hard to make the decision - im going to remove most of the crap on my page as well - except for the essential stuff - and now that im not concerned in any way with 'points' or ranks or anything like that - its just going to be about what it should have been about in the first place --- chatting with friends. i will continue to have massive amounts of friends though - cause i still am trying to give people a chance to hear my music on my page - ps. i might be away a bit more than even usual right now - cause im working my ass off on this new song.. cant wait for you all to get a chance to hear it - after i finish it - i move on to putting out the cd (again)- which i was supposedly already doing - but this song is too good to not be on the album... and once my page has gone through all the changes ive been talking about - my name will change to 'lux 2.0' =) i consider this a new era for me on here -- no more uploading garbage to my page just for the sake of points - no more spending hours rating pics just for points... ill rate pics if i feel like the person deserves the rates and points.. like i said before - the way it shouldve been in the first place - but i was a bit of a point whore for a bit =)

shameless self promotion - new song on my page called 'worlds smallest violin'.. its just a demo.. but the thing with my demos i often decide theyre good enough - and i never actually 'finish' them.. come take a listen - maybe give feedback - hopefully something a bit positive - but if you hate it.. fuckit - go ahead and say so =) i think if you listen to the whole thing though - youll enjoy it..

guess whos back =) ok.. so im in arizona.. got the new apartment.. got most things unpacked. sorry i didnt post an update on my wherabouts after springfield illinois - once the van had been checked out and paid for ($600 =( ) we were on our way again - after a couple day delay.. but once on the road we made good time through the other states overall - it did turn a 3-4 day trip into nearly a week though.. but we were in no hurry really - it was sortof a vacation afterall. stopped off in amarillo texas for some ribs at Dyers ribs and then caught a cab to Grand Central Station - a local bar which is actually seven bars.. you can choose from country, country, salsa, or country - nah, jk.. it was a cool place overall - and i was after some chick at the karaoke bar. we got trashed - fun night. didnt really stop at a whole lot of other places along the way - just hotels.. i got a few videos on my phone from it all - but i also didnt film a whole lot.... well anyway - fun trip.. exhausting though - and i fucking love it here in arizona... its not that warm yet - but im enjoying the hell out of the mountains.. the palm trees.. the cactus - everything is beautiful - and we got here safe =) so its all good - and now that im hooked up to the net again.. im quite content and ready to chat with all my cherry friends again. hope i didnt worry anyone - im also going to have some pics up of me here in arizona from my phone... just as soon as i figure out where i packed the damn cords =D. *big hugs* and glad to be back =) hope someone out there missed me as much as i missed you =)

k so as we were about 400 miles into the trip to arizona...the check engine light comes on on our van...so as a result.. and because of the holiday weekend we are staying at a hotel in springfield illinois until we can have it looked at - it doesnt seem like anything serious - just better to be safe than sorry - or so they say..=) think its all cool - AAA will reimburse us for it long as we keep the receipts - and afterall we're on vacation... not in any big rush =) we'll have the van looked at in the morning then we'll probably do about 20 hours driving the next day.. it was definately an odd new years though - i had fun.. but springfield illinois wouldnt be my first choice =) i could tell you all about the trip so far - cause its been crazy...but some other time. i miss cherrytap.. miss my computer =( and miss ya all.. may update you more at the next stop ttyl

delays, hassles, run-arounds.. it seems i may not be leaving for arizona until saturday now... due to problems with the cargo van we're purchasing and other things.. The 'going away' party is tonight.. and by the plan we were suppose to leave the following morning..for impact. i mean you dont want to say goodbye.. and then still be here =) but unfortunately such is the case - ah well, overall the plan is going well - just you can never quite account for human beings and their unpredictable nature. seems my new years party will be me and my friend at some random hotel somewhere between here and arizona =) not quite what i wanted.. but getting there - and getting the hell out of here.. is all thats really important.