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What are you waiting for?
you begin to wonder why the hell you keep trying...When a friend betrays your trust...Then tells you they didn't...You don't know who to believe anymore...You finally realize there's no one in the world you can trust but yourself...Blind faith in a human being brings nothing but heartache...You listen to their problems...You share their pain...You laugh with them when they are happy...You keep their secrets...Then in a split second all that is thrown away when you discover they didn't have the same respect for you...
My heart is full of more shared confidences than I can count...And in my heart they stay...Even when someone betrays my trust...Still I keep those secrets buried...In the darkness where they belong...So why is it that I have not found anyone that can do the same for me?
I open my soul to the people who say I can trust them...I let them into to my chaotic mixed up mind...And then become the topic for an afternoon discussion...So why the hell do I continue to care for the very people who make me feel the way I do now? Like a total fool...Someone who doesn't even count in a world full of users and abusers...
I don't play the games that some people know how to play so well...I don't know how to lie...I don't know how to pretend to be someone else...I'm just me...And I'm finally ready to admit that being a truthful, caring, and loving to person isn't important...When someone only wants you around when there's no one better...When you're the last one they look up...When your their last choice...The only important thing is finally realizing that you really don't matter at all...
Originally posted on My Yahoo 360 Profile
Entry for February 10, 2009
The time has come for me to face some hard facts...To withdraw from the world of light...Into the darkness that I have been avoiding...Time to pull away from those people closest to me...Before I cause more pain than I already have to the people that I care about...And the ones that I love with all my heart...The pain from knowing me when the darkness of my soul overtakes the light of the day...It's not fair to impose that upon the friends who only know me for the smiles I fake for them...And for those who have dealt with me in one of those dark periods...I apologize for drawing you into the twisted pain of an existence that was never meant to be...To finally meet the woman who gave you life while pregnant for you second child to only have her reject you for a second time despite all that you did to be her daughter...To also find out after the death of a woman who never accepted you as her grandchild that you were not the only throw away daughter...That there were two more after you...That the conception of all three was not meant to be...That our lives were not important to the woman who bore us...That her "reputation" was more important than her own flesh and blood...Then to later find out that the son she bore years later...Was the child she held onto...The one who was worthy of her love and attention...All this combined with the loss of all but one person in her life that is a link to her past...To be told that person may be lost to her soon...And then there will be none...None to share the joy...the pain...the memories of a life that is long gone...No way of ever finding out the hiddne truths...Yes...It is time...To finally draw back and relive the past that has shaped my present and is bound to effect the future...Before I can ever allow myself to move forward and possibly enjoy life again...If I ever did...Then I have to face the demons from the past that I carried into this present day...Exorcise them from my life...my mind...my heart...my soul...And if in so doing I must sacrifice those friends that cannot wait or understand that this is something I must do...Then so be it...I would sooner lose a friend...Leave them remembering me as they think was before they find out who I really am...Maybe some day I will emerge from the darkness of my own being to be a better person...Or maybe I will discover being in the darkness is the best place for me...All I know is that is where I must go...and may God have mercy on the blackness of my soul
"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward in the same direction" ~Saint Exupery~
If two people can't see the same thing when they look ahead...then they won't be traveling in the same direction...They go their separate ways...And eventually they can't even see each other
Don't say I'm sexy, then ask to be added
Don't call me beautiful, then want to see more
Don't tell me you love me, then forget I live
Just say my name and let me call you friend.
I felt it necessary to add this...I don't want anyone thinking I'm going emo on them...lol...this is a reply I made to a comment left on that blog...and it truly does say what I meant...Hugs everyone!
"i honestly do feel my existence is needed and appreciated...my thoughts on this blog were on how society is today...as if life is cheap...and peoples emotions aren't even important...the online life forgets that there is a real person behind that fake profile name...i have been told repeatedly that what happens on line isn't real...so anything goes...but real people get hurt and other real people doing the hurting don't give a damn...that's basically where i'm coming from in this blog...just a lot of thought into the minds of some of the people i have met..."
and no one is there to hear it, does it make any sound?
Such are the thoughts running through my mind today. That saying makes me wonder about a person's existence. If one person ceases to exist, what effect does it have on the rest of the world if they know?
According to what I found on the internet, the estimate world population in February 2009 was 6,761,600,203. I sat here and thought of it in these terms:
Take the entire world population and line them up in rows side by side and have them all close their eyes. Then have a hand reache down and pluck one person out of that 6 billion plus people. Everyone opens their eyes and looks around. Who is going to know that one person of that vast number has vanished without a trace?
Well, there are at least three people. The person in back of that missing person and the person on either side would most likely notice them to be missing. The person in front would not know, because they would not have seen the person behind them unless they had turned to look. In society today, it is common practice to turn away from what we don't wish to see or know. So most likely the person in front never bothered to look behind them.
Now, the three people who have noticed the missing person tell the people around them and they in turn tell the people around them. Eventually everyone of those 6 billion plus people are going to know that someone has disappeared. But will it really have an effect on their lives?
What if the people who were standing by that person didn't even know his or her name? Just some random man or woman...boy or girl...no name no identity just nobody. Or even if one of those three knew that persons name, in a population that vast, how many other people would? And would those people who did know them even really care? Would it change the lives now that this one person doesn't exist?
It's like learning that a high school friend or acquaintance has passed. You might say, "Oh, so and so has died." But do you really let it bother you? Or do you simply go on living? And when a relative dies? Is it the end of your world? Does that person's death effect your life? Yes, in a monetary sense, emotional sense, and the companionship. But does that person need to exist for you to exist?
What if it were a celebrity, a politician, military leader, etc? Would it truly make a difference in the majority of these peoples lives? True, they may feel saddness, relief, concern or whatever emotion you may name. But would it have a lasting effect on their lives? And what of people in third world countries? Ones who have never seen a tv or newspaper? Would the loss of some celebrity really mean anything to them? Or would they simply look at it that there is one less person eating food they could eat, drinking water they might need, or even breathing the air that they have to have to survive?
And then what of a person, such as Princess Di? What effect did her death have on the people who did not know her? The ones that may have been helped by her efforts of humanitarianism? Does the loss of someone like that have a long term effect on anyone? If they had already lived their lives in poverty, pain and need, how would they know that their lives could have been better? You can't miss something you never had.
Which brings me to another thought that is linked to this whole theory. Is one of the reasons that people in this generation don't believe in the concept of love because it truly doesn't exist? If a person has no one that they love or no one that loves them, do they have a reason to exist? Does the lack of one person in the world change the reason anyone for why anyone is here?
When a person wakes up in the morning, do they need a reason to get out of bed? Or do they simply do it, because that's what they know they should do? If someone wakes up and thinks "Do I have a reason to exist?," do they actually sit around and think about it, or do they just accept the fact that they are alive, therefore they are?
Doesn't every human being have the desire to be needed, wanted, necessary to someone? If there is no need for you to be, then why do you live? Supposedly the soul of a person makes them who they are. It is the single element that makes them be. Your soul is necessary for life. Without a soul, you do not live. Christians believe that the person's soul comes from God. That it is what makes them a person. Yet does the body actually need a soul to live? And before the Christians take my head off (and I am one), think very seriously about the answer to that question.
Consider a person in a coma. Does the body require the soul to live? No, it does not. The body requires the machines, the people who maintain them, and the nutritional elements that are pumped into the body to keep it alive. Therefore, the soul is not a necessary thing needed to live.
Which brings me farther into this mad train of thought I am having. If the soul is not necessary for life, then does the being who gives us that soul truly exist? And here is where the controversy lies. It has been said that God is dead. What other explanation is there for the lack of miracles that existed in the times of the bible. If God is gone, the soul does not exist, then perhaps humans are nothing more than a freak of nature. A group of atoms that formed together to create what we call man.
Deeper down we go into the lunacy. If we are nothing more than a binding together of nothing but atoms, then how can love be true? Does an atom have emotions? I think not. An atom is nothing more than neurons, electrons and protons, all circling around each other. Pulled together by a force that scientist have explained to the best of their ability.
So where do emotions come from? The soul? Perhaps. But I have already stated the theory I have been batting around, that a soul is not necessary for life. Think about it. An atom has a soul? Again I say, I think not.
Down farther into the darkness I go. Because truly I am digging deep into an area of great controversy. If there is no soul, then emotions are nothing more then chemical reactions in this group of bunched together atoms we call bodies and have named humans. And if emotions are not real, then how can love be real? It would mean that love is nothing more than a chemical reaction to certain events that occur in our puny little lives. And that leads me to my orginal thought that I posted early this morning as my status on Yahoo. I can't remeber exactly how it went but it was something like this:
"I am sitting here wondering if I am the only one in the world who believes in love, monogomy, faithfulness, integrity, fidelity. Has the whole world turned narcicistic? Am I alone in a world wishing for love that doesn't exist?"
Because what I have found in my years of being online is that no one is looking for love. They are looking for gratification. And is the reason for that because love truly doesn't exist. Because we truly don't exist. We are born, we live, we die. And why? What reason do any of us have to exist? If all we are is an accidental eveolution of a lower species, then there is really no reason at all. We are here because two different cells made up of different sets of atoms happened to be attracted to each other and created what we call a baby.
Amazing what a person can think of when they have hours to sit and think. My job gives me four hours a day to sit and think without interruption. No one who doesn't have hours to spend alone with no one to talk to can understand the thoughts that can occur. Perhaps those of you who are truck drivers, security guards, or any other occupation where you spend untold amounts of time alone can grasp where I'm coming from.
All I know is that today I realized that in all seriousness, I can't come up with anyone single reason for my existence. And wonder if other people can. It's that age old question of "What is the meaning of life?" And in all this random babbling that I have typed here, I think I am far from finding the answer to that question.
Just as there is no answer to the question "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make any sound?" there is no one answer to the question "Does my existence make a difference in this world?"
Originally posted on Tagged Apr 18, 2009, 5:15 pm
I've never been one to take revenge on someone who has done me wrong...Instead I go out and do stupid shit to punish myself for whatever it was that I did to make them do it in the first place....
Once again someone has enjoyed making a fool out of me...Actually 2 someone's...And instead of getting angry at them for what they did...I'm sitting here taking the blame figuring that somehow it's all my fault...
There comes a time in everyone's life when they have to stand up and say enuf! Take charge of the bullshit that is in their life...And cast off those people who want to keep them down...Because it gives them satisfaction having that kind of control over another human being....
Well...I'm done...As my status says...
"I'm building a wall so high that no one will want to climb to the top and come over to my side...Anyone who tries...I'm shoving their fucking ass off...Let them stay on their own side...Because behind my wall...I can protect the heart that so many are bent on breaking...Destroying...Playing with...And leaving for dead..."
Well if my heart must die to take away the pain then so be it...I'll be damned if I'm going to be used for the satisfaction of men who want only what they can take...And give nothing in return...Other than cruel heartache....
And the next man that tells me "I'm different...I'm not like other men..." Well they won't be...because other men have broken my heart...And I'm not going to let anyone else do it again...I'm done
Originally posted on Tagged Apr 14, 2009, 11:52 pm
who have taken the time to get to know me before you attack me...Thank you! Your friendship is important to me...And I do the best I can to let you know that...
And for those of you who are bent on judging me for what you read on my profile...Or the bulletins I post...Or the tags or coments I send... Let this serve as a notice to you...
From now on I am not even responding to your rudeness...crudeness ...or plain out stupidity...I'm just blocking you and have done with it!
Have a wonderful nite my freinds...Thanks to a few mine is shot to shit!
Good Night!
Janette
Originally posted on Tagged Apr 14, 2009, 9:21 pm
what it feels like to be lied to over and over again? to have men going out of their way to be as rude and disgusting as they can? when they don't even know you?
well try having someone be totally nice to you...give you false hope...make you think that they might be different...only to find out after you've made a fool of yourself that they're just the same as every other one....
it makes me sick to realize that i have four daughters who are going to have to deal with the same shit as i have...and it makes me want to cry to think that my sweet son...who is the joy of my life may grow up to be just like the jerks i deal with on this site and others on a daily basis....
why the hell do people have to treat other people this way? is it any wonder that no one gives a damn anymore about whether they live or die? what the hell would they be missing anyway?
a world full of pain...hate...misery ...evil...no good intentions...users.. .liars...cheats...de ath...yeah...makes a person really want to continue to even live on this miserable planet...
being of the christian faith....i believe in the day that God will end all this shit...and the way i feel right now...the sooner the better...cuz there isn't anything in this world i would miss...other than my kids...and if God is good and merciful...they would be with me anyway...but even if they weren't...i couldn't feel anymore alone than i do now...
Originally posted on Tagged Apr 14, 2009, 10:49 am
Yesterday some dude tells me my profile needs revamped becuz it is a pathetic desperate appeal to the world...Hmph! I call a married guy who gets pissed off becuz you send him a friend invite more desperate than I'll ever be...Simply becuz if he's married while the hell is he on a site full of single women??? LOL
So to all you men out there...I'm about as desperate as any woman can get...Desperate to find a real man that ain't afraid to talk to a woman as a friend...And one that doesn't think that the only reason a woman makes a profile on line is cuz she's looking for some "action"...
And ah...btw...Have a great day all!
Peace and Hugs....
Me
