Frayed Knot FM2 DRK's blog: "Woe is me"

I have decided to whine in a blog as opposed to my friends, who do not need to be burdened with my moods. Each of these blogs are to be abbreviated PP followed by a roman numeral...standing for Pity Party. PPI... Without disclosing personal information I will sum up an event that has caused me some distress. Recently I had a very remarkable night, these nights do not come along very often for me, and it left me feeling wonderful and elated. I was as bubbly as I get and very excited that I was capable of feeling so much. It has been a worry of mine that perhaps I had become too numb. Now I wish I was numb, but I am skipping ahead. I was expecting a phone call...just a hello really, as it is way too early for anything serious, but I was really hoping it would come. I am not known for my patience and I decided to make that call happen and I dialed the number. No answer. No biggie, I would try back the next day if no response came. So I did this. One call per day for 4 days, then decided I must have done something wrong, said something wrong perhaps...maybe I was not appealing in some way...or perhaps his mind had changed..there is no end to my options on this...I will always find fault with myself because my ideal man couldn't be flawed in any way...I am picky..but perhaps I am picking wrong. whatever the case may be, I am extremely saddened that there is NO communication and all I have are my assumptions. Maybe there was nothing wrong whatsoever and I have jumped the gun in my impatience, but it matters little now. I sent a message saying bye. I deserve so much more than i settle for. I know this and it is time for me to say so. But what gets me down is this one thought....in the last 2 years, of the few guys I have been interested in...it comes down to a one night stand or a very brief span of time and then nothing. Which leaves me to feel as if I am beyond hope. What the hell is wrong with me that I cannot find one man that I am crazy about that feels the same about me. it must be the sex....I tried the waiting... I have rushed right in...no matter which course I choose on this I feel completely disposable. And its really a crappy place for me to be..emotionally. So as I was driving to work...listening to cheesy ass love songs..I had this overwhelming sadness which was welling up in one direction...I grabbed my cell phone and dialed his number...not the guy i like...but tommy...my estranged husband...and I was fully intending to tell him how much i hated him...because it is his fault I am alone....and then after I got his message...I hung up without leaving a message and I cried. It isn't his fault I am alone. Our marriage failed, he didnt want it anymore..but honestly when it crumbled I didnt either. No laying blame...I am a grown woman, and I am afraid I may remain single for the rest of my days, as I appear to be more emotionally unstable than even I will admit to being! ok I have gotten out the contents of my head for now...I am off to sleep....and hopefully no dreams will come to me...I don't want to dream of anything or anyone tonight.