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What are you waiting for?
I feel entirely too much. Sad even after all these years I can't let go of those silly feelings. Maybe one day I will be over them...maybe.
My grandmother passed away early this morning. I don't want to hear that anyone is sorry for my loss. It is a very significant loss in my world, but my grandmother was able to last 82 years on this earth. Just know I am sad and not up to talking.
Didn't you know how many people loved you? You impacted many a heart old friend. I miss you!!!
BESOS
So it's happened..I am officially a grandmother. My granddaughter is so beautiful and perfect!! I drove down while my daughter was in labor, she had Cloey while i was driving. I got to the hospital in the middle of the night and got to sleep in the room with them. Such a tremendous night in my life. My child has a child of her own.
I got to spend almost 2 full days with them. A wonderful glimpse at my future.
As we all know there is an adjustment period..new parents go through. Hugest of sighs...
I have been a smoker for nearly 24 years. I have a smokers cough. it's annoying but completely harmless. But the new parents felt I was concealing a potential threat to their little one. I have a cough that they believe is a cold. So they hadf the doctors give them a solid reason to have me head home early. They told me for the first 6 weeks the doctor says they should have no outside visitors and the ones they do have should have recieved a flu shot and a tdap vaccine. As I couldn't safely do either of these things while there I must go. And any cough is a danger, and I should be 6 ft away from the baby at all times.
I probably said something i shouldn't have but i was seriously irritated with the entire situation. After the 20 minute diatribe delivered to me about the dangers I was presenting to the baby I told my daughter how thankful I was to have had my first child decades ago as i would surely not have made it in this time. With all the "must not do's" my kids would surely have perished.
So I was packed and heading home within 20 minutes of returning to their house. I made it out of sight before the torential downpour of tears fell. I cried for the first 30 miles of my drive. I was so frustrated with the whole situation. I had hours to think while I drove. I knew it was not right but I didn't have much of a choice.
I received an email message on fb from my daughters fiancee telling me he's already got my cough and a fever and i should hope and pray the baby stays healthy and safe.
He sent it 3 hours after I left. And I never had a fever as I am not ill. SIGH!!
My daughter isn't communicating with me and I have to rely on fb to get any pictures they might post to see my little Cloey. It all makes me so very sad.
I just don't know what to do and I have been crying for the last two days. Cancelled the remainder of my vacation as i don't need to chill in my apartment til the end of the month.
What should be a super happy time in my life has become one of the saddest. I don't know what to do. I don't want them to know they have hurt me. I just wish it was a happier time.
If I could count the people I have met and thought enough of to befriend, I wouldn't. The reason for this is simple. Just because I think a lot of them as people..doesn't mean they feel the same about me. Regardless of words typed or spoken..it is what it is. So when I sit back and wonder how someone is doing? I should really just purge my mind of any short term friendships. I understand better than anyone that life isn't always simple or that time isn't always bountiful. However; I also know a damn brush off when I receive it. I don't take the time to talk to everyone who wishes to talk to me. I don't have the time for it. But when I make time for the people I care about it would be awesome if I could get 5 minutes of genuine conversation. I am thankful for the friends I do have. The ones who stand by me through all of my silent modes. As well as my not so silent modes. I decided to not bother meeting anyone else to befriend, it's just not good for me to get that attached to people.
It's been on my mind for a while now...but now it's in text.
So I am thinking I must smell bad! Not that anyone could verify this :P I am being ignored! I know it is a tragedy!!! So um..now what? Should I beg? I think I would for you ;) maybe if you stop ignoring me I can :P
*those who have no clue what this is regarding ignore itLOL*
You may tell me one thing but you show me another. I see what I see. You may say anything or nothing and I will see that as well. I have thoughts in my head and words waiting to be released. I do what I say and I say what I mean, I do not feel the need to be evasive or elusive. If I wish to be kind I may not be abrupt, but take the easier route to soften the blow. I feel rage and sadness and wish to feel nothing at all.
So I have had a couple nights of little to no sleep. With many thoughts clawing at the back of my head. A few shed tears. My feelings...silly damn things...are so easily hurt. I have something to say. It may require a moment of your time to read, but that moment is worth it, I believe. I have never set out to intentionally harm anyone. I have never deliberately stolen the affection of anyone from another. I have not willingly seduced another to my bed, who did not ask to be invited. Or belonged to someone else. I have loved and loved deeply, a total of 4 men in my lifetime. I have lusted more than my share. Not that anyone has a limit you know...but my point is this, I am not after anything that belongs to anyone. I am incorrigible..I am flirtatious...I am impetuous...I am kind, gentle, and caring. I am sensitive and extremely passionate. I have issues, most odd...in an OCD type of way...others very personal. I don't betray confidences...as I fully expect my confidences be kept by whomever I choose to share them with. I am very mindful of others feelings as well...because I myself have them and don't appreciate them being stepped upon. What I have realised is that the person I am matters very little to some that I think the most of. Some believe me to be capable of maliciousness and of being underhanded , or scheming. That really stings actually. I have considered the possibility that I am the easiest target for rage, as I am extremely forgiving. This might be something that is known...or evident. I also consider it could be that I don't make my intentions known. Could be anything really...but what I feel is that those who should know me best are the ones thinking the very worst of me. I come here to laugh. Here where it is absolutely acceptable to be myself. No boundaries no rules...the freedom to express myself as a woman and an adult. To defy convention and say..."haha kiss my ass!" The person I am...cannot seperate feelings because its an internet based friendship. The person I am doesn't like worrying that having laughter and fun conversation has to be limited to those who aren't involved in some sort of emotional entanglement. I am who I am..and I am not willing to change my behavior in order to please those around me. I don't care to be accepted for who I am not!!!! Accept me for who I am, as you should if you consider yourself my friend. If you feel as though you can't approach me with any issue you might have with me, then perhaps the issue is within your own mind, or heart. You don't have to love me or even like me, but you are expected to be as honest wth me as I am with you. If that's too much for you...then let's part ways.
