Slee's blog: "Oooh goodie, I finally found it"

hi Current mood: enthralled Category: Dreams and the Supernatural It's night time. I figured I'd post something, since that's what I do at night. I probably write about this a lot, but I really wish I could solve everyone's or atleast most people's problems. Other than semi-minimall mental and sleeping stuff, my life is pretty damn good. I wish I could somehow share that with everyone. The girl in sandy is becoming annoying. She acted like she really wanted to meet me and stuff, and then is always busy or whatever. So, it's just like whatever, I guess. There's lots of stuff that might be happening this weekend. Lots of different options I guess. Ofcourse, what I want to do, is the same thing as always, spend my weekend in bountiful. I have homework and stuff to do with school too. Even when I plann on just spending a few hrs there, I never want to leave. I just leave when I almost have to, or whatever. My ex wants to hangout, I think I'll be over at my brother's house sometime on saturday night, there's another person that I was going to try to hangout with sometime around the weekend. Maybe I can combine some of them? Hangout with someone and my ex, or bring my ex, or the girl in bountiful to my brother's house or something. I guess I just see what happens. People are still afraid of me getting hurt. There's no real use of me being afraid, it's not like it will stop it from happening, or change what I'm going to do. I have to follow my feelings and stuff. Sometimes it's better to be hurt after knowing I tried, than being hurt when I didn't try, and/or out of regret from not trying at all. I think I'm "in love". Maybe with more than one person. It's hard to see either of them working out though. So basically intense pain is inevitable. I'll live probably though. I guess I'm just a masochist for getting myself invlolved in these situations. I don't think I'm really trying to. It's just a coincadense? However as people might say, " the common factor is me ". ( someone elses words, that's why they are in quotes. ) Life is strange sometimes. I have an appointment tomarrow, then I have to take a test. It shouldn't be that bad. Then I need to call a bunch of people to see where I can get the fastest appointment with a psychatrist and get a sleep study done. It's going to be a busy emotional weekend. fun fun....

All my pictures in my default album were deleted. I don't know if I did it on accident, or what. Maybe they didn't like some of the pictures in there, and deleted it. But it seems like they would have said something, or sent me an angry message warning me not to do it again or something. I don't know, whatever. They were just pictures I suppose, that and a bunch of comments. It's just really strange. Whatever, it just means uplaoding some more or something. It still seems strange. My default picture show's up as being rated, but the folder is empty, and it says I only have 69 photos.

sunday night What's there to write about? Not much really, so you have probably just wasted your time reading this. lol So, I got this tracker thing. It says there's some guy that visited 6 times today. Probably more by now.. I guess I'm glad I'm so interesting? Hey, buddy, what's up? I should write some crazy stuff just to see what kind of reaction it might bring about. Maybe I'll do that after more time goes by and people forget about this blog. I'm so evil sometimes, that's atleast the way my mind works. Lifes busy, I get overwhelmed. I should be working on school stuff. I went out to eat with my family and a friend yesterday. That was cool. Yesterday was interesting I guess. It gives a variety to life. Sometimes there seems to be a weird line between careing, too caring, and obsessive. It's understandable how people can be obsessive sometimes. I do my best not to be. I have other things I need to do anyway, so I don't really have the time or the energy to be that way. I just hope it doesn't seem like I don't care, simply because I'm trying not to be obbsessive. I still haven't met the girl in saltlake yet. I guess she actually lives way south, in sandy. That's a lot further than I ever feel like driving. So I can meet her somewhere in the middle if, or whenever she has the time and motivation and stuff to do so. I can go to saltlake sometimes, but mid saltlake is as far south as I go unless I have to, or mostly have to for some reason. Eventually I have to go to draper to get furnature. Maybe I'll see if I can hangout with her on the way there or something. People kept bothering me about smiling the other night. That's annoying. Then when I tried to exlplain it to them, they said they didn't care. Well,, if you don't really care, don't fucking bother me!!!!! Just because I'm not smiling, doesn't mean I'm not happy. My face just doesn't usually naturally go into a smile, and it certainly doesn't stay that way for very long. I also get told I'm quiet a lot. Like maybe I didn't realize after all these years that I am quiet. I kinda feel unwanted right now, atleast by the girls around here. It's easy to act like you want someone when they are far away. And maybe they do, but they are far away. I'm not saying they are acting, it just gives me someone to miss that can't see. So sometimes that's happy, and othertimes sad. I want someone around I can just hold and feel better about life. Orion was that for me. I haven't talked to her in forever, and she's far far away, and I'm in all liklyhood not ever going to see or hear from her again. It's something I guess I need deleted from my memeory? I don't know. There's someone else like that now. Every once in a while, magical sorts of people just come around. She's just not close by. I always want to whisk people away, and fix all their problems. Maybe one day I'll be able to do that. Thanks for reading, have a nice week and stuff.

I don't know. I'm just a mess, and "there" for the taking. The doctors at school won't help me. They think I'm crazy or something, and I'm not really as crazy as they think I am. People won't listen to me, It's like my thoughts don't mean shit because I don't have those pieces of paper. I'm a smart guy, I know things, I can put things together, and I know myself fairly well. But I don't really matter, it's like if I had a cut or a headache or something and I told somone that I did, they wouldn't believe me until they heard it from a doctor. I'm just sick of everything. I'm sick of having a consicence, and having self control. I'm sick of falling for people that I either can't have, or are in other states, or are "bad" for me. I'm sick of people being so fucking nice to me. I never know when people are being "nice" or being honest, or what. I'm not saying people should go out of their way to be mean, just fucking be honest. If I'm ever bothering you, and you don't like it, say something. Everything is frustrating right now. Sleep is like my standby solace. Now my sleep is fucked up. I either have nightmares, and or wake up a lot all through the night. I want someone to sleep with. Someone that I love. Not just someone to have sex with and/or to keep me warm. Someone that I feel good just being in their vicinity. Someone that I have a secure feeling that I love them, and they love me. Yah, it sounds sappy and girly. But whatever. I had a good day, and a weird night, and a depressing morning. I'll probably sleep most of the day. Someone should call me and wake me up so I don't do that. School is scary. Lots of people there. I think I'm also afraid of failure, it's highly stressfull. New drink idea? = orangejuice, absolute peach, and 99 bannas, about the same of each. and some ice. I haven't tried that exact thing, but I bet it would be good. They wouldn't put 99 banannas with it, with the peach vodka, so they put bannana liquer in it instread. It was good. I guess I'll just end this thing with the drink. I feel like shit anyway. Hope ya'll had a good weekend.

pics and other stuff Current mood: contemplative So, first thing on my mind. Tv is evil. I know you have heard this before, but ohwell. It bothers me when people seem to always associate beuty with sex. Go fuck a flower or something. Preferably a rose bush. Yup, I put up more pictures. I've been doing new things with my hair. There's people who bother me about how many pictures I have up, and how many pictures I take of myself. I think on some unconcious, or maybe even concious level, it's sort of a golden rule sort of thing. There have been several times in the past when I wished certain people had more pictures of themselves up. I would have been happy if they had hundreds of pics of themselves up. I guess it's me " being the change I wish to see in the world " ??? lol. I figure if there are any people who like my pictures, then they should be happy I have so many. If they don't, then they don't have to look at them. Am I obsessed with myself? No, just my hair. lol. Maybe it's partly because I didn't have any or much for so long. Go 5 years without really being able to have your hair you can do stuff with, and then grow it back. See how happy you are about your hair. I have an abnormal psyche test tomarrow. I think have to take it before 2pm. That kinda sux. I should be studying right now. But whatever. I think I probably know more about abnormal psyche than most of the class just from personal experience... lol. I don't need to read some book, just look in the mirror!!! LOL. Yah, so beginning on anger, ending on humor. I don't have drastic mood swings....

hi Current mood: intimidated How was everyone's weekend? Mine was ok. I spent a lot of it cleaning. I didn't get much school stuff accomplished, but atleast my house is cleaner. My roomate had a friend over for dinner saturday. He seemed pretty cool. The food was excellent. I drank too much. It didn't seem to be an excessive amount, but I haven't drank much recently with school and all. I didn't throw up, or try to make out with anyone though. Or atleast not that I can remember. I just passed out in my chair in my living room. My back doesn't feel real great now. I had a headache when I woke up. But whatever. I was drinking apple smirnoff vodka. It was good. I almost got blueberry, but I was in more of an apple mood. I also bought Absolute Pear. I haven't tried any of it yet. Maybe next weekend or something. There's another girl that seems to like me now. She liked my profile on one of the various pages that I'm on. The numbers thing kinda works. I don't know how effectivly, but it works. If I talk to a thousand people on the internet, one of them will probably kinda like me? lol. I haven't met her in person, just talked to her on the phone, and online and stuff. I guess I'll see where that goes. She asked what kind of relationship I was looking for. I basically said I don't know. I'm just busy with school, and I figure I'll hangout with whoever wants me around and see what happens. Next week is going to be busy with all my tests. I'm kinda panicky, and I hope it doesn't affect me when I'm taking the tests. Stats show that it will. But whatever.. lol. There's also a lot I want to do nextweek besides school stuff. I really want to hangout with Chrissa again soon.I haven't been around her for a week. I guess I just have to be patient. There's plenty of time for everything, and school should be my main prioraty right now with all the tests coming up. Some people might be thinking they don't really want to hear about all the stuff mentioned. Or that they don't want others to hear it. I'm just writing about my life right now. It's a blog, it's not a letter being sent out to any individual to " rub things in their face". Sometimes I don't write some of the things that are on my mind because I know people read these, and I don't want them to feel weird, or upset. For example, sometimes people don't like me mentioning them in my blog. People sometimes get worried about whether I'll blog about event a, b, or c. I usually just write about how things relate to me here. So yah, maybe it seems conceited. Like with the pictures, other people don't like me talking about them though. So I'm either conceited talking about myself all the time, or I'm sharing stuff that people don't consider other people's buisness.. It's a catch 22 sort of thing. I just can't win. Anyway, I care about lots of people, and sometimes it's hard not to write about the stuff that's on my mind. Those people are on my mind all the time. So sorry if you ever feel uncomfortable because I mention you or whatever. I uste to write my thoughts and feelings out about everyone and everything. There was a nice theraputic aspect to it. It was ok, no one ever read them anyway. Now enough people read them, that I can't really do that. I make some of them private, or only readable to certain people. I guess I could just write private stuff more often and write about everything. It makes it seem like there is something wrong with my thoughts if I can't share them with people though. I guess if you get upset by anything, let me know. And/or don't read my blogs. I can't assure you anything positive will happen if you do let me know, but I can assure you nothing will happen if you don't.

What do you think about pet names? Some people have, or have had them for me. I'm not really in the habbit of using them. I think maybe I should. I don't know. It's one of those things that's been brought up in the past that I haven't corrected. Any input would be appreciated. I was laying in bed thismorning thinking about stuff. That was one of the things I was thinking about. There was other stuff, but I don't remember it right now. I think I'm going to take my laptop downstairs to my room so I can write my thoughts, or dreams out when I wake up.

I guess I've basically severed my ties with my ex. It seems weird. It was something that was probably going to happen eventually. The stupid grieving thing is going to mildly affect me. Just because it's a change, and a loss. Even though I decieded it on my own. Too bad we can't just tell the natural cycles of things not to affect us when we made our own decision about it. It's weird to think about the beginning of the end. I think the end really began near the beginning. It all just slowly erroded from there over time. Somtimes 4 steps forward, 5 steps backwards. A long slow procces. Major events were her asking about something she didn't want to hear about, and leaving a comment on my page. I got pissed off, ( maybe overly pissed ) and it was like ok, fuck you... It's one of those things that's good in ways, and not so good in other ways. Like most things, there's always the up and down. Well, I guess not the up and down anymore, but the good and bad..lol But whatever. I have other stuff to focous my attention on, and spend my time on. LIke school and stuff. I'm sure I'll probably be writing my feelings an shit out in my blogs to help deal with it all. So don't read them if you think it's just me whining about something I caused myself.

Don't tell me you want to be mine forever. Tell me you want to be mine for a month, or until I find someone better. That may be soon, or that may be never...