call me tater Dirty South Crew's blog: "lost"

Well its been awhile since I have been on just thought Id ubdate this blog on my drama. My wife came back. Things were very good few weeks. Of course I always held doubt of her true intentions. I want my wife and I to be happy together in the worst way but part of me remains nervous. Its like I am just waiting fotr it all to end again. I dont want to have to go through that pain again. When she came back she seemed very regretful of her decision to leave in the first place and seemed very sorry she had cause such pain. But Its been a little while now and I think she is going back to her old ways. She is beginning to distance herself from me. I just wonder if it is my doubts that is pushing her away or what. It seems normal for me to be apprehensive of her motives. But on the other hand I should just let things be and see what pans out. I dont know its weird because I am happy as hell that she is back but I am scared as hell that she'll leave again. There are times when I know she wants me but on the other side there are times where I know she doesn't. Its so back and forth it only makes me more nervous. I just wish there were gurantees on things like this. Ok well thats all for know. If you're reading this please wish us luck.

Is there such thing as endless love. Are there people who are blissfully happy together all the time. With life there are struggles which need to be overcame. Does that mean love has ended and all is gone? If there is such thing as endless love when do you know you have found such a thing? Is it possible that you may never see it when it presents itself? I just want to be an old man walking hand in hand with an old woman both smiling like the day we met. I have so much to give and I long to share myself with someone equally as responisive. Im not a cold person but I dont want to be a sucker either. We put up walls to protect ourselves from pain but it is those walls that block us from expereincing things. I dont want to miss a thing but I dont want to hurt anymore. Ive been looking at people blogs woman stay at home moms who feel that them and their men are growin apart. Maybe there man works alot maybe the stress from having a family and having it young is too much to overcome. I never though it would work out like this. Why is it that out generation is so quick to leave thnigs behind? Do you think one ever finds what they are in search of? I can understand people divorcing because one has been doged in some way,cheating or being abused. But to leave it all over life seems a bit too hasty. If our vows mean nothing why do we say them? There is more to sharing a life than bliss and lust...there is so much one gives to another to appreciate. All things n life are wonderful why dont we see that. It is a blessing to wake up every day to have problemms that need to be solved. The mystery of life that we fret over every day. No matter how bad things get in out lives there is always someone else that has it worse. I see it every day at work. People give there sob stories to tell why there life sucks so much. I try to tell them that its not as bad as it seems. Things work out in the end. Ok I feel Ive ranted to log I lost touch of my subject. I just want to be loved by someone who wants to love me like I want to love them. Through it all. Good and bad. Even if it may be hard sometimes.

For those who have been following my drama I thought Id take a moment to update y'all. On Easter I got the blessing of my oldest child. My wife agreed to let her live with me. So finally I feel a little better about things. My life as I knew it with my wife are over but it is good that she seems to want things peaceful as I do. I dont want to go through all the drama. I think she knows that I am the type to take care of things as a man should and not play any games. There is nothing in life I love more than my family. And for the last couple of weeks my daughter and I have been sharing some great times together. Its going to be an expereince for me but all the sacrafice I have to make is worth it to be able to share time with my daughter. Life is good. I can hold by baby again.

Today I as late for work...A coworker came over to see if I was still alive. The pain that tears my heart affects me in so many other ways. My body hurt, my stomach hurts, its impossible to fall asleep. Once my body shuts down it doesnt want to restart. I appreciate the people around me who support me. I am sorry I let them down. For now I have to heal me. To Find a spot where I can be. Im not normally the kind of person to let people down. Always on track always responsible. I do whats right becasue it makes me happy. It hurts that I cant maintain even the simplist of life. I fail to maintain stability. Im not good at being weak. I need to put my life together. Before it ends.

AS anyone who has been following this blog know things for me haven't been going so well lately. Its hard when love comes to an end. For me just coping seems to be a near impossibility. Its real hard to function. I dont hate my wife for falling out of love I guess its just one of those unavoidable things. Someday I hope to understand the reason behind it. Dont know if I ever will. I try to be the best man I can. Now that its gone I dont want to lose faith in myself. I hear it gets better. I keep waiting fo that to happen. To me it just makes me question everything moreso than I already do by nature. How do I know what is real what is pretend. Maybe life for me is not meant to have love maybe I am just one of those unlovable people. I know I always say I like to be alone. I think I am wrong. Its nice to be alone by choice but when your alone this way it sucks. I guess I should quit believeing and just know this is what it is I am powerless to change it. Hopefully things will even out in the end. Life as I know it is forever changed it will never be the same.

The anticipation is over. She really left. She took the kids, she took the phone. Here I sit as I have all day surrounded by photos of our past with no positive thoughts of the future. Was our life a lie? The smiles and happiness I see are they fake? How I miss you. How I want you here. Man I am pathetic. When did I get this way? Will it ever go away. Can either of us really move on without running into failure. Can we enter a relationship and really believe it will work. Did we not think we would work? We would last forever? I did. I thought we would be old one day. You and I. I dont want to be bitter. I dont want to be mad. I hurt so bad it is hard not to be. I thought you might atleast let me know somehow you made it safe. I hope you did. I just need to vent and let it out. THis whirlwind of emotion that I am swimming in. If your reading this and thinking poorly of me cut me some slack. Today I lost what to me is everything. Over eight years of life pissed away. Was it really that bad? IT wasnt for me. Not till now. Now the pain is immense the end unimaginable. It seems this day has no end. It couldnt happen on a worse day. The moon is full and when I see it in its glorious wonder I think of her as I always have. Soaking in the light taking its strength. I wish I could find some strength to be a man. I hope someday I can write a blog that isn't so blue. Someday I would like to smile again.

Tonight is gonig to be the first night that I will not be able to say goodnight to my kids. To hold them tight and kiss them. In the morning I will wake up alone. I will come home for work and I wont be recieved with the sounds of my kids running arms open screaming daddy daddy. I dont know how people do it. How do you get by without the joy of life. Please if you have insight help me. My entire life I have waited for the opportunity to be a loving father and husband. I had it, now I fear it is gone. This is not me I am not this weak, Why now am I being a fool. I will miss it all, good and bad. I missed out on enough already. I'm sorry kids for failing you. I hope and pray that your mom will return and we can return to being the happy loving family I know we are. Your the best and I will miss you every day your gone. Zoe, Madison, dad loves you...sleep tight...*kisses*

I just came to a realization. If you are sitting alone wondering if your marriage is over, wondering if your wife will realize she loves you, you shouldn't listen to Chicago. Man I need a good laugh.

When I was married I never dreamed that it would end. I thought it would be till the end for better for worse. Apparantly she feels differently. She says she needs time to sort out her thoughts to detemine what she wants, what she needs. Well tomorrow she leaves. She dont know if she'll be back. I hope that she will. There is something very scary about the thought of never being together again in the same way. She says she dont know if she loves me. She say she dont know if this is what she wants. I guess only time will tell. Regardless of the outcome I hope somewhere we will find happiness. But I love my wife for all the right reasons her not being here wont change that. I wont get used to a life without her. I wont get used to being a part time dad. I dont want to be replaced. I dont want to miss out on all the small things in life we all take for granted. We worked hard to get what we have. WE shouldn't just throw it away. I just wish she could be strong and overcome this sadness this need she feels to be away. To be apart and be independent. I know that I was a part of making her sad. I tried to be the right kind of man. I worked hard to support us in the capacity I did. We obtaied all the material things we wanted. Unfortunately it was at the cost of our love apparently that it happened. I just hope that she will take the time and realize what we share is unique and good and hopefully next week I will be estatic and write happy thoughts instead of sad. Only time will tell. Till then I wait in hope.

Whats a guy to do when he is so sad he cant even cry? When motivation to succeed with life and love dies. I just want you to love me again like you once had. I hope you shall find the strength and determinatin to set things right. Before your gone. I fear I will disappear into a haze. Where getting out of bed is a chore. I dont want to cry when I look at our kids. I dont want to cry as you drive away. As I look through photos of memories we share I wonder what will be when your gone.