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Perception

It's amazing what you see when you miss it so much. Today was the first full day I've been without my family. My reception to things has been difficult. I hear children when no children are near. Everything I see everything I do reminds me of my kids. Not knowing how they are or what they are being told is driving me to the brink. I had to go to the store today and get some essentials and everywhere I turned there were families. I never noticed them before when I was with mine. I feel like a stranger. An outsider. I have no real reason to be. Why go home? There is nothing there. Why go to work? There is no reason to have money. I miss my family. I want them back. I heard a kid screaming in discontent at the store, a sound that would normally make one mad, I started to cry. When I have my kids I feel so proud. I have a purpose. They represent all that I am. I dont know how to be Rick. Im not sure I want to be Rick. I love being dad. I love to talk with my kids. I love to see them smile. To watch them deal with things. To grow and change. I dont think I canbe a part time father. I dont know if I can wait around long enough to find out. My sanity is thin. I need them more than anything else. I want my wife to know how it feels to be in my shoes. I think it would open her eyes to the gravity of her choices. The feeling of not haveing your children is unbearable to anybody who wants them. Its unbearable to not know. Not to know when you will see them. Not to know if they will be turned against you. Not to know if the hate you for not being with them. If they even know its not your choice. I would give everything to be with them. Please somebody help me.

Keeping faith

I want to have faith in my relationship with my wife. I want to believe we are strong enough to get through this. I wish I could be strong enough to allow the space to calm down. I could have in a different way. Why would you say one thing and do another. Why does it seem so easy to walk away? How do you remove the kid from school and leave town with the intention of not coming back? How do you all this without letting me know? I called tonight to find out what was going on. To know why the dog is gone and the beds are gone. I called to see why you told me you would be back on Sunday only to come home to this house in the shape it is. Why decieve me? Why not tell me the truth? Im not a bad man Ive one nothing but try to make you happy. The least you could do is be honest with me. You tell me I will email you in the morning. What kind of way is it to email someone to tell them you are taking away their life. Here I sit waiting for the email. Wondering what the answers may be. Not sure how I can function having to go through this again. Atleast last time you talked to me. You compromised on the kids and you didnt just take things. We worked together even apart. What has happened? I will keep faith in us. I miss you all already. Waiting for you........

Why

Well I need to get some stuff off my mind. It seems I have a case of dejevu in the worst form. Anyone who has read my past blogs will see the circle come to term. My wife and I have been tring to work through our issues since she came back last summer, My trust issues I had with her have made me be a bit leary of her intentions pretty much the whole time. Well she was getting a bit too frusterated lately and told me she was going to go away for the weekend. While I was at work she left. I came home to find that she has taken much more than what is required for a weekend. My kids, their beds and most of their clothes all gone. She even took the phone our dog and our camera that my dad goave us for Christmas. I dont get it. How can she say to me she is going away for a few days to chill and then take the beds with her. Not quite upfront. I just wish she would be upfront with me. Its hard to swallow this again. The same time of year as last time same circumstances in our house. At least last time it seemed more civil. Please send good thoughts my way. Feeling down and out.
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