Icarus's blog: "Augurs, Martyrs, and Agnostics"

A friend of mine suggested I set up a long term plan
I guess I thought graduating and all that WAS my long term plan.

Course, this came from a guy that has clowned my degree (zomg ur dumb for hazings the libarts dergreeee) and thinks he will overcome with his plan to get a masters of psych.

And the guy that thought I could be a Coke shelfer.

I can't lift 50 lbs without screaming in pain any more.

So I guess I can't take his advice with whole heartedness.
He means well, but

I'm at that point where I see the loop.
The loop is hopeless.
The loop is infinite.
The loop is
I don't get jobs.

I don't know why
no one will tell me

Is it my attitude, is it something I said, is there some sort of "tell" I have in interviews, am I too honest, am I too ugly, is it my criminal record?

You fucking tell me

Cuz I've abandoned all hope to be honest.

And that's part of the problem itself.
Loop
see loop.

So he gave me the "live to win" speech.
"Just work at what you hate, til you die, til you move up, til you-" etc
and "go get more education"
"but don't go into debt"
I said (and have been saying for a while)
What in the fuck for?

Work myself to death
to learn myself to death
to... ?

Anyway

The writing aspect has a plan
and its in limbo til you assholes proofread my work (you assholes is not specific to just this blog)
then I rewrite
edit
expand
cut
etc

then I pitch to guys in boardrooms.

Then I rewrite
edit
expand
cut
etc

and I pitch to guys in boardrooms

until the book sells.

Meanwhile
I think I'd like to help people
which may involve a graduate degree
and since standing up for 8 hours
or lifting anything
or bending for an extended period of time

causes me a LOT more pain than it used to

I think I'm gonna try and get a groundlevel job doing that

instead of y'know

hurting myself

Hurting myself+ bad pay+ anxiety=ew
Bad pay+ anxiety= doable?

any of above equations+ dick bag managers/bosses= bigger ew.

See loop.

So I don't have a "long term plan"
I should've been on phase 4 by now
there were setbacks.
Lots

of setbacks.

Plan... why plan when its always up to some other asshole?

like almost getting killed by unaccountable drunk assholes when all you want

is some god damn deep dish pizza.

I was full steam then.
Now... I dunno, maybe I hit my head harder than I thought.

Maybe there's no goddamn point, and I'm the only pragmatic person that sees the whole
sees the loop

the whole is bad.
You're a wage slave. Either by willfull oblivious optimism, some blissful stroke of luck, or fully aware of your dreadful predicament
I'm a walking scar.

I envy neither of us.