The Sauce's blog: "i'm trying to be serious not really but i am kinda"

I've always tried to make logical decision (when i'm not drunk) that are based from situation from my past and times that are similar to the one at hand Sometimes this thinking saves me stress for instance I like this chick and i thought she was great it turned out she was a little pomiscuous, everyone that know me from the past will say "what the hell, who are you to talk" iand i would expect that. Ive changed over the years i'm not that dirt bag anymore. I believe that love is destined to fuck you why becaused i failed at it so many times i rarely fail at anything that's why i have hose beliefs how is it i can excell in everthing else but trying to care for someone when your reputation says that you are not allowed i don't know half the things about me that others tell me it's really weird at thepoint im at now relationship wise "it like i'm afraid of oxygen, seriously" i need it so bad and also desire it but im just afraid that my lungs won't be able to tolerate the the life that the oxygen will bring to me, they have adapted to the sludge. Anotherr instance(happens all the time) I meet someone great we get along and everything but i begin to think " This is going way to good, something bad is about to happen." I begin to see into the future "She is gonna get bored of me" "She is gonna start to hate me" "She will never trust me." The all of a sudden i'm on the phone making a jackass out of myself so she will hate me and i can spare both of us the trouble. I have actually said that "i'm doing this for you." and i thought i actually was but ofcourse i wasn't iwas doing it for me because i'm afraid to maybe possibly love and loose, again. i figure i will just get myself a different job that i can submerge that way atleast i can blame my work for my enability to say how i feel without using keys..

So what I daydream a lot, that has already been proven a fact from my random rambles about nothing. I often wonder what I'm daydreaming about when I'm interrupted, I usually sit and ponder this and that for hours on end staring out a window. Usually when i recall the subject matter it always ends up blurry as hell only remembering points and pieces no connectivity. I understand that it's not outrageous to believe that I should be out enjoying my health and my youth but right now there are pressing matters I need to deal with and this is the only way, secluded from everything until I can find a resolve for this conflict that has been pestering me for the last couple months, plus I like being alone sometimes it helps get back to the basis of who i am, it's only an opinion. I like bats, horror movies, alien invaders, werewolves, vampires plus alot of other sickshit that i won't say that i like in front of my mother. I have no mental illness's and I don't hear voices or anything like that, I also seriously doubt that I'm depressed, if I am it's the best depression that I has ever been . People go around diagnosing each other based on their own experiences and their own insecurities only to validate themselves. I have been deemed bi polar and mentally strapped because I don't won't to hear the stupid shit that doesn't interest me. im not sayin that everyone around me has invalid discussion I'm saying people assume that the things that they want to say are things that everyone wants to hear. ItS NOT. I'm not a schizo because I was in a good mood yesterday and I'm in a bad one today, that's called having a personality. Its absolutely bogus that I can't just be the fucking guy that doesn't like to talk all the fucking time instead of the jerk that doesn't like anyone. I would like a lot more people if they acted like people instead of mtv wanna be Vj''s. I hate everyone of those stupid "UN"REALITY shows, I did like the real world around 7 years ago but now, oh especially the one well I can't tell the difference they are all about putting kids in adult situations, it's either the oc or laguna beach whatever. Nothing against the shows themselves, I've actually only watched maybe five minutes of whatever it was because a girlfriend made me but you don't have to taste the smelly crud on the bottom of your shoe to know it's shit. I think that everyone should say what they feel and not script according to the actions of their favorite soap star. I've never thought to myself "what would Spongebob do in this situation" but I am and E.nigma but the character batman isn't my advisory. T.v is stupid now I barely can watch anything but the judge shows and surprisingly the most idiotic show ever spongebob square pants, I love it because the intent is idiocy and not trying to depict the world through fish eye lenses when the affect doesn't compliment the footage. Dammit, I lost the point again!!!end

I was thinking of the past today Reminiscing on things he would say, him getting upset cause my reckless playing he'd take me to all his favorite spot I'd listen to him and his friends and their vulgar talks I wondered if he is watching over me And if he's upset about how I've grown to be And if his face I will ever see again in more than my dreams That old man was my bestest friends I wish our times would have never ended I'm pretty proud that I CAN SAY THAT my name wouldn't be the same If my granddad wasn't so damn rad His passing mad me so fucking mad But I won't let my anger show This message is for all to know Edward Murray was a god to me And in my heart he will always be I miss ya man