From the Heart Blog by Buggzy A best friend is like a four leaf
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Here I sit and cry,  as I know that come this wednesday my hubby and I may have to claim bankruptcy as we just cant keep up.

Hubby doesnt make as much money as he once did due to a back injury.  And I cant work due to physical limitations.

I have applyied for disabilty and was told could take up to 4 mths to come in if I dont get turned down.  It will be a mth come the 19.

My oldest son had a job,  got laid off ,   went on UI then got another job,  got laid off ..and didnt make enough to even get UI again.

My youngest son gets disabilty and I feel so gawd dam bad cause I have to take most of it to help us.

But it hasnt ..just to much going out not enoug comming in.

We are going to see a bankruptcy dude this wednesday.  I hope he suggest doing a consummer proposal instead of losing what little we own.

We are to old to start shit over and I dont see a home in the future we will just have to rent again.

I hate this shit, seems the Staffords are cursed, the harder we try and do whats right and keep up the worst it gets and we fall in the toilet once more

Hubby is the one I feel the most for,  he trys so fffffffffffffff hard yet just isnt enough.

Not sure what way to go other then cry , pick our selfs up and just try and make the best of of the worse.

My soul cry's in pain, as I stare out through my window pane. My tears stream down my face, hitting onto my pillow case. I am a soul in pain, no love or comfort, will I gain. Love is lost never to receive again. I am a soul who' been forgotton, no one seems to share them selfs to help me out. They turn away and laugh in my face, for they think I'm just a mental case. I scream out to God in pain, why must you, put me through all this anguish, and sadness. I wonder through the roads of life, living but not living, each day is a stuggle. As I search, for comfort but its not there, pulling away from people who stare. Reaching out in the vast cosmos of space, leaving behind a life that has not lived. I cry but no one hears, my fears are as real as they shatter the sound of my own beatting heart, wish I could just rip it out. No more feelings I will bare, cause frankly who even cares My soul crys in pain, never wishing to live once again

Here I sit once more, thinking of my life and what I have made out of it ..which is nothing.

I wish I could re do it all over again and change somethings.  Like get a career,  take better care of myself.

I have no friends to speak of, because I am so anti social only cause I am sick of being judged by family and peers

Tired of people who seem to have it all ,  and here I am trying to make sure my family have food on the table and take care of the bills and pray we dont lose this shit hole of a house.

I am bitter yes you betcha, am I lonely dam right.  I may have a family but I am still alone here.

I feel like im soooooooooooo gawd dam non important, taken advantage, not respected.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooo

yeah would I if I could start my life over yes  in deed.......would first ask for a new family to grow up in......as mine was nothing but abuse and mental cruelity.

All I want is to be loved by a man who respects and appreciates what I have done for him. 

I dont want or think I need to every day ask for a hug, or some support when I am down and out.

Or have to plea to be taking to the doctors when I feel sick or just simply ask for some TLC

So ya ...im bitter and I am trying hard to change that but every day is a struggle when you have depression like me

So if you think I am just a loser and looking for something maybe I am maybe I am not .

You know what they say ,  put your self in my shoes for awhile then you might not be so smug about what I am speaking about

Life sucks and you just move on

Every other week I dread, because its time to pay the bills and get food and make sure hubby has gas for the car.

And as hard as I try to  keep up with the bills,  I just cant, hubby doesnt make enough thats the main thing and he has a bad back to boot.

I feel like a complete failer, cause I can't keep up and keep enough food in the house.

And when I speak to hubby about it..all I get is, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT...well listen would be nice and understand its hard and I just cant give him any more funds other then his gas money.

It's so hard for us, that I have to take my youngest sons disablity check and only give him 200.00 of it.  Doesnt that suck!!!

I filed for disabilty myself two weeks ago and I am just waiting to see if I get it or not.

But I feel like I have failled big time, and just want to run away and hide never looking back.

But I cant do that,  I love my family and it would just kill me.

All I want is for him to understand the stress, I am under, the stress of having collectors phone me and having to tell them I cant pay what they want and then they threaten to shut off my utilites.

I know I am not the only one who is going threw this crap,  I am sure I am not. But dammm ,  I do think I should at least get some support and understanding but I dont.

Not sure what to think or do

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

True friends are hard to find. I personally can count with the fingers of one hand the amount of true friends that I have. So what constitutes a true friend?

There are times in each of our lives when we are in need of real help. We may be in serious trouble, we may have made a huge mistake, we may be extremely depressed, we maybe very sad or we may be short of money. A true friend will be more than happy to help us in these types of situation, without reservation. They will not judge us on the predicament that we have found ourselves however much we are to blame. This true friend will not spread our gossip to other people and will be there to offer advice and support.

You will be able to trust your true friends one hundred percent. They will pick you up when you are down, they will be a shoulder to cry on when you are upset and will be somebody who you spend many an evening having spills and frills.

A true friend will make time for you when you are in need of their company. They will share your good news and bad. They are likely to be interested in all aspects of your life and will not desert you for other people.

So how many of these types of friend have you? If you have more than five then I will be very jealous, I hope you realise just how lucky you are.

In reality the unfortunate truth is that the amount of true friends that we have will reduce over the years. This is a natural occurrence as we realise that the person who we thought and classed as a true friend is in fact not deserving of that title.

 

I have yet to find such a friend

Laying in silences on my bed, tears streamming down un to my pillow case.

I think about my life and how much misery, and sorrow has consumed most of it.

I wonder what have I done to deserve so much, torment.  Was I just a evil person in my life before.

Each day I pray for something good to happen to off sent the lonely ness inside of me.

I just want to run away, and die.

But, I love my family, just wish they understood the dark side of me and how the depression consumes every part of my body

My soul crys out for release, but there is no end in site. Just bitter memorys and lose of friends and family.

Is this what life is all about.  Some are giving so much, while others have to leave each day ,  wondering how to pay the bills, feed the family and worry about their mate whos always sick.

God release me from this hell, give me the hope that things will change for the better, I pray to see that light at the end of the tunnel

Please God show me the way

Come step into my world, and feel the anguish and pain rush over you like the waves of a ocean.

I am not the person you wish I would be,  for the only one that truly knows me is me.


I try and put on a good face, while tears spill down upond my pillow case.


Look into my eyes and what do you see, but memorys  and pain of trying to do what others want of me, and doing  nothing for me.

I am no super star, but now I look down on earth from a far.


 I just wanted to be loved, not smacked in the face with my diamond covered glove.  Will someone please reach out and give me a hug.


I am just human, and have made mistakes,  only to be dammed and ridiculed and feeling like I just got punched in the face.

While people from town to town ,country to country, talk smack behind my back.  I just continue on and try not to look back.

My life has now ended, and I am at peace.  One find day I hope to come back to earth and become a better man , the man I want to be.

My music will rise again, and once more will try and be the man I wish to be this time and not the man the world expects me to be

I will be happy and in love,  but until that time comes to bare,  look up to the stars  for thats were I will be,  smiling on the ones that keep me in their hearts. One fine day you will see me again and the smiles my music will put on your face.

This is in memory of Michael Jackson a man so miss understood by all and understood by the few like me.


Depression kills ones thoughts to see things in the right concept.  And with out help and support of the right friends and family and councellors , we enter the realm of darkness.  

Meds are not the answer, they only help us focus, but understanding and love is!!


I know about depression in case any of you need to know ..been sufferring with it since I was 27 years old.

Soooooooooooo till you walk in my shoes, you have no right to judge me.  And if my dear friend  MJ had got the right attention and the doctors realized  got him the help for his depression, he might still be around now , giving the world his wonderful music and videos

Love you Michael Jackson my friend ..rest in peace
 
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