Reeka's blog: "Whatever"

Not that anyone will probably see this, or read it when they see the holy wall of words, but i need to vent.  

Since only one or a few of you know my recent past: I had an implant placed after the mastectomy that started giving me major problems about a year ago.  It had extensive capsular contracture, and my plastic surgeon kept the "wait and see" attitude until July, when pockets of infection were bursting through my skin trying to get out.  I had a deep abscess and the implant was removed (Friday the 13th, kinda funny).  A month later I was still having issues so they removed the capsule (the body naturally surrounds any foreign body with scar and other tissues in order to "seal off" the invader from the rest of the body) in August.  I spent the next 6 weeks recovering while on disability from work, until my doc finally said I could go back at reduced lifting.  My job description calls for 50 pounds of lifting, but I'd never had to lift more than 20 in my 9 months there, and was given clearance for 20.  Work decided they needed someone at full strength, so they put me back on medical leave and terminated my employment.  A snafu at the doctor's office meant that the disability company held payment starting in october, and now my former employer refuses to go to bat for me so I'm out the last 2 months of pay on that.  

A few days ago I saw my surgeon again, only to find out that the open wound I've had since August needs to finish closing on its own, hopefully in the next couple of months, and that the area of skin that had radiation treatments needs to soften significantly before they'll consider attempting reconstruction again.  This time reconstruction will be a TRAM or DIEP flap from my tummy, so my roll will disappear with the rest of the flab I lost after the last surgery when I couldn't eat for weeks.  I want it to happen soon, not only because I want a second boob (I'm not even allowed to stuff my bra, let alone use a prosthetic), but because I don't want to pursue another full time job only to get fired AGAIN months down the road when I can have reconstruction and need time off for recovery from major "elective" surgery.

Meanwhile, my niece showed up on thanksgiving at my sister's with her left eye closed.  She'd woken up and it just didn't want to focus - it was behaving like a lazy eye but sudden onset.  She'd had a prior episode last July where they figured it was Bell's Palsy, sent her home with steroids and did no further testing when they found out she had no insurance.  She's 26 years old and a full time student and has no money for insurance or to pay doctors and hospital bills, but she's now been diagnosed with MS.  I gave her $150 just to see the neurologist to find that out, after having given her mom (my sister) $100 the week before to get prescriptions and whatever else she needed.  When our mom died last year, we'd each gotten a decent amount from insurance policies and her retirement account - but she seems to have blown through it all.  I got a panicked message Saturday that her car is going to be turned off via a device she'd had to have installed to get it, if she didn't reinstate her car insurance by today.  After 2 days of waiting for info because she was too scared her husband would find out, she tells me at noon that she needs $250 on a green dot card to pay it.  I had to spend over an hour driving all over town to find a place that sold them, and then go back out to an ATM to get cash because they won't take debit cards.  It's a fucked up system.  I'm not working, and I have a shitload of medical bills and NO christmas shopping done yet and she wants me to bail her out yet again.  It's creating more tension between my husband and I as he's the one working now, and I'm stressed to the max.  Now she's sending me all kinds of messages saying thank you and she loves me, and I don't even want to talk to her after putting me through this crap.  She's my sister and I love her, but I don't like her very much.

Oh, and I booked us tickets to go to Tucson for 12/23-12/31 (hubby's sister lives there, and his mom has a condo there too) so I wouldn't be in town with anything extra to remind me of mom since she died 12/24/11.  Then I got subpoenaed for federal jury duty for the entire month, and they're not letting me postpone, so I have to call each week to see if I'm going to be able to go.  It would just be the perfect end to the shittiest year ever to have to be home alone on christmas again, like last year when he took the kids to wisconsin the day after mom died.