JADED Southern Sex Symbols Group Member's blog: "About me"

I had a dream last night. It so unnerved me that I am still trying to shake it from my mind. It wasn't necessarily a bad/nightmere. Well in someways to me it was. Its hard to write down my feelings about it. The dream brought back a lot of old feelings that I had thought put to rest years ago. I am not happy to have them brought back to the surface again. I never imagined myself being faced with all these emotions of someone that I am better off without. The fear of this person over rides any other emotion I may ever have of them. I never in my life had a man lay a hand to me in anger till he came into my life. I never had to deal with the abuses I took from him in my life till he came into it. I have blocked a lot of the abuse out of my mind in order to survive right after his attempt to kill me. I am now reliving some of the abuse in my mind again. Yet now after this dream all the old feelings of love that I had for him came back. The man that I thought he was, was never there and never will be from what I have learned recently. He put the ultimate fear into me of another person. I let him into my life, married him, and had his daughter (that he almost killed the night he almost killed me). I will never be able to get rid of the fear of getting hurt when someone is angery with me and yells at me. I will never be able to stop looking over my shoulder because he stalked me afterwards. I thought I was broken over love before him. I was so wrong!! I was never whole after the first two times of a broken heart before I met him. Since him I will forever be scared and partly broken. I have learned to deal with that fact and at times it haunts me. I will forever be scared of someone till he dies!!! As I sit here writing this I am shaking and on the verge of crying my eyes out. I have so many emotions running through my head its scary. The only way I know how to deal with it is to drink and write about it. I am trying to write about it and then drink, LOL. It took over two years for me to finally go out in public for more than just pay bills and get food. It was my daughter that made me go out again and join the living. She was scared of people when we would go out that I realized that my fear of her father was being passed on to her about people. I made myself go seek help I ended up on meds and counseling. It didn't really help but I made the most of it and forced myself to over come it. I am sure after I start drinking that I will be writing poems. It usually happens that way get drunk and write about my own personal pain. I lossen up enough for the memories to come and I write them down and is my release. I know there is a lot that needs an outlet soon before I break down. So bare with me if you see a lot of poems being postes in the future. I hope all is going well for everyone. Take care and may the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all.