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Amazing how life changes

Well I lost my job.  I finally decided it was time to move home.  So I have been going crazy trying to get things set in motion to leave. 

Well tonight I finally got a call that I was expecting but dreading as well.  I wasn't sure how it would turn out.  But so far its going well.  Lets just say its something I have been dying to hear from someone that I know and now he has said what I have so desperatly wanted to hear Im not sure what to think of right now.  I was put through so much from him that I learned to fear men when they get too mad. 

So far old wounds are ripped open again and not sure how to deal with them.  So many diffrent emotions are running through me right now.  I do know is that we have a child together and no matter what happend between us I will not let that affect her.  In time I will let them talk and then met each other. 

I have learned caution from past failed relationships and not to mention I do not want my daughter hurt by him.  So after we get to know each other and I feel its ok then they will get to know each other. 

I have always just jumped into everything with both feet and moved very fast.  I have slowly learned that being careful is a good thing.  That being careful will minimize my pain. But nothing comes without risk that I do know. 

So now if things do go well I may get a part of me healed and can move a very big step forward in my life.  If they don't it may very well set me very far backward.  But I also learned never expect too much or hope too much.  I am a very simple woman and have very simple needs. 

I always knew we would met again one day but never knew how it would turn out.  After everything I have been through all my life I will suvive whatever is thrown at me.  What don't kill you only makes you stronger.  I am living proof of that.

Well if the fates deal me a good hand this time I will take it.  I just don't know what to think and feel right now I'm so confused at this point.  Wish me luck because I will need it and any prayers.

I hope all is well for everyone and may the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all.

I may have cancer!!

Well on Tue. morning I finally got my tests results back from my OB doc and it wasn't good. With what my aunt brenda is going through it down right scares the hell out of me. I found out I have the virus that causes cancer and other abnormalities. Right now my aunt has had one ovary removed and in two weeks will have the other one removed as well and maybe her uterus as well. They still don't have all the results back but so far can not tell if there is cancer. Now with that said I am scared to death with why my pap came back the way it did. I go back in a month for more tests. I know it could be just about anything minor wrong but the scarriest is cancer. I also know freaking out about this now won't help but its hard not to when dealing with a posiblity of having cancer. I have some of the best friends ever here that have helped a ton already and I so love them all for being here for me!! I can never thank them enough for being here when I broke down and cried after finding all this out!!! I hope to make this next month fly by. I have decied not to try and get involved with anyone at this point. I know that if it comes along I will go for it but it will be a very hard battle to over come the fact that I may not be around long with anyone. I don't think its fair to get with someone and know that you have so short of time to live. I hope all is well for everyone else and know that all can be worse and things do get better!! I of all people know this first hand. May the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all!!

My life !!!

Ok so in the last few days I have found out a few things!! How much my family hates me!! Up to including my own mother!!! I have always been the black sheep. Well shit the outcast of the outcast in my family!!! Yet the way I was raised was matrilocal. That I was in line after my mother was gone. I have been raised almost the same way but for one major factor like my mother and her mother! They were never abused like I was!!!! Which has lead to a major diffrence between me and my family!! And also trying to break the cycle of abuse from mother to their children!!! I am the last to know anything in my family now. When I shouldn't be. Oh well I have never really wanted my so called birthright!!! But it still hurts to be sunded!!! I have just lost my great aunt to malpractice. And top of all that no one told me of my grandmother!!! Yes, I may not call or keep in contact with my family as often as most people do, but I have learned since they do not want me in the family to keep my distance!!! Two major things happened within close timing and no one told me. That was beyond what I thought was of my family!!! I knew that any major harm to a family member I would know about ASAP!!! I didn't know for over a month this time!!!!! Now I am left with the aftermath that everyone else already dealt with. I was told it shouldn't have happened if doctors did their job! Now all I want to do is fly back and harm those that killed my great aunt!!! NO ONE ELSE WILL!! There is so much going through my mind right now. All the memories that I have of my great aunt. The things she told me about how to make seaweed the traditional way. The fights my mom and I would have over the seaweed that she would send to us for christmas, LOL. Some of our legend's she past down to me. Maybe this is why my family wouldn't tell me sooner!!! That I would do anything to go up there and harm those that killed her!!! Is this why my family didn't tell me sooner? I also know this is the start of the long road to many deaths in my family!! The sad part of being in a large family to begin with!! I knew this day would come but have always dreaded it coming!! My great aunt is the first of my family that has died that I was close to in a way. I hope you all are doing way better than I am at this point!! May the Goddess watch over and protect you all!!

Update!!

Oh boy where do I start, LOL. Well after months of searching I finally got a job. I am back at my old casino but this time as a security guard, HA HA HA!! Me, what were they thinking!?! Oh well at least its a job for now. Well in about two weeks my younger brother will be done with Navy boot and as much as I would love to go see him graduate I don't have the money to go, GGGRRRR. I am so proud of him. He so far has done very well. He even made it on the color guard. I think 4 yrs of marching band helped a lot with that, HA HA HA!!! I am so happy still being single. I am proud to be still single at this point. I had a rough couple months getting used to it again but am happy things have turned out this way. I have spent time looking deep into myself and hopefully fixed what I believe needed to be fixed before I get involved again! I still miss the closeness of having someone that knows me or thinks they know me. Right now my room mates fill that void a little. The funny thing is I have never been the one for continued close personal contact after the whole NRE has wore off. But I do miss the contact with someone at times. In the end I hope that this time alone to figure things out will be worth it. My mother goes in a few days for day surgery to see if she has any sign of colon cancer. I guess its becoming a health issue among my family. Great just another thing to add to my long list of worries for my health. I believe that is everything at this point. Im sure I may have left out other things. If I remember them I will let ya all know. I hope everyone is doing well. May the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all.

My perfect man

Ok so over the last few months I have been doing a lot of thinking of what I want in a man. What will make me happy in a relationship. Well here is what I have come up with so far. I want a MAN!! Not a boy!! I want a confident, trustworthy, loyal and non abusive man. A man strong enough in who he is to handle me. Someone strong enough to be a bad boy when need to be but wise enough to know its not always required. To be strong enough to handle my strong feelings. To allow me to break down and be a weak female once in a while. Granted I am a very strong woman, but I was raised to be this way. I want to know that me and my children will be safe. I want to feel like a woman next to her man. I want the freedom to be strong and the safe harbor to go to when I need to break down and be weak. Most importantly to have a man that won't abuse me. I want someone that will listen to me when I talk, just like I will listen to them. Someone that will allow me to make my mistakes and be there to help me straighten up from them. I will allow all that so long as its given to me. To be loyal to me. If the agreement is made to be only mono or to have an open one. So long as he stays to the agreed arrangement. To be honest and forth right about what he does, as I will always do. I have learned that lying is only prolonging the worst actually it makes it even worse. The truth always comes out. I want a man that is confident in who he is as a man. I want a man to be able to handle my strong emotions. I feel things stronger than anyone you will ever know. I love stronger and harder than anyone you will ever know and if you make me hate, stronger than anyone you will ever know. My main problem has been my ability to love so strongly. I understand that it scares people away. My intensity is what it is and to find someone that will understand that and not be afraid of that will be with me forever. I want a man that can both be dominate and a little submissive in bed. To be a gentle dom to understand that I do like a little pleasurable pain in bed, but not all the time. That I do need my time to be dom in bed. That prolonging his release only improves things dramatically for the both of us. I am a very talented woman in bed but I need someone to match me or out match me in bed. That I crave sensation play more than anything else. WOW, I guess that is too much to ask for from a man!!
Racism in our children's schools Well on Thursday March 27 th my daughter supposedly fell off a swing at school backwards. She ended up with only scraps on the top of her forehead with no other marks on her. This is a cover up story, that she made up. She has been bullied viciously at her school since the moment she started. We only moved here a little over a year and half ago. I found that she has been shoved into the gravel and when she told her teacher she was told, "Oh well." Then another time she was choked and when she told the recess supervising adult about it, nothing was done. It wasn't until the child that has done all that finally had to do this kind of behavior to several other kids did the school finally do something. Direct quote from the principal, "He was segregated from the general population and now is being slowly re-introduced to everyone again." She tried to laugh it off!! This is the same principal that took my daughter and two other kids out of the bus line to the gym to scream at them for their supposed behavior on the bus. The principal also had the nerve to try and turn this whole ordeal of the swing around on my daughter. That she must have lied to her twice then about how she got hurt. I said, "Sbhe won't even open up to tell me!! That she is embarrassed about what is happening. And that all the adults here have proven to her that when she says something that nothing gets done and the abuse gets worse!! And now I have to try and fix her trust in the school!!" It was amazing how the principals attitude about all this changed when she was informed that a call was already placed to the school board about this. I suggested a meeting with the her, the teacher and a social worker to figure out what to do. She said she would "Launch an investigation." Before I left I told the principal that if this kind of behavior continues that my daughter will snap and harm someone!! That is why I am here to try and prevent her from snapping and harming another child!! All this physical abuse started from so called harmless joking about her being white. Granted my daughter is mainly white but she has been brought up to be very proud of her Tlinget heritage (Alaskan Indian). My daughter informed the children she isn't white she is Alaskan Indian. They then proceeded to harass her for being even more different from them. My daughter is the minority of the minority here. It more than likely progressed because the boys may have liked her. The typical pick on a cute girl to get her attention. I have a feeling since she did not respond how they thought she should, they escalated the abuse. From the way things have gone it seems she did not return their feelings, they are retaliating. If these boys behave like this now just imagine what they will be like when they are older and stronger!! Since when did respect, discipline, honor, and common decency become values of the past? When did those values turn into vicious bulling, abuse, and racism? Granted racism has always been around and will always be around!! It saddens me to know this happens to our children and will continue to happen to our children until we teach them otherwise!! I have tried to teach my daughter to stand up for the bullied child and not be the one to bully!! I hoped that things had changed more than when I was a child. I was put through hell growing up in a small redneck town. I had hoped that moving across country the racism would be less here than on Oregon coast. When did we start running our schools like a jail house? When did teachers and principals stop caring about the children's safety? People wonder why school shootings happen. Well I can say that you can only bully a person so far before they snap and when they do it can be very ugly. I am scared now for my daughters safety at this school!! Who wouldn't be scared for their child when this kind of abuse has happened? Why does someone like me have to stand up and fight for what is wrong? Why does it have to come to calling and writing the school board, media and government officials to try and stop this behavior?
Photobucketbb Ok to give a quick over view of my daughter moving here. Since we moved out here she has been picked on and bullied for her heritage, for having a BISEXUAL PAGAN MOM, and for being a Poly family. Now that my Ex's and their kids left she has no one to help back her up and protect her. So now the abuse has gotten worse. Every time she has told teachers at her school she is over looked and told oh well. Now this year its gotten very physical. She has been pushed, hit, chocked and now apparently was pushed into the ground so hard that she has scrapes on her fore head. Yet I told her teacher at the last parent teacher conference about the racism she was facing. At that time my daughter still hadn't confided what else was going on. I told her teacher and she lied to me about my daughter never saying anything. My daughter actually told her teacher that she was pushed into the gravel and was told, "Oh well". You tell me what a 7 yrs old girl is to make of that!!! She now can't trust adults to help her out with all of this mess!! I have to now try and fix the damage that racist school has done to her. I talked to the principal of her school and the bitch actually had the never to say the my daughter lied to her and tried to turn all this around on my daughter. I said yes she lied because she can't trust anyone there at that school after telling several people there from the beginning and the abuse is getting worse. Let alone the damn principal had the never to take my daughter and two other kids out of the bus line and take them into the gym to scream at them for their supposed behavior on the bus. Right now the principal is lucky to still have her job. At this point I am seriously considering talking to a lawyer about all this. At this point I will let them try to fix it and if it gets worse then I will seek legal help if not before hand to figure out what to do. So right now I am writing a letter to the school board, the local media and appropriate government officials. One way or another this matter will be solved. I have already warned the principal that if this continues that she will snap and harm another child and that is why I was there to try and prevent that. All this stress added to the fact I am still looking for work and just now healed up from my Lupus flare up!! I just hope that I don't have a relapse!!!! Ok enough for now a lot to do today. I hope all is going well for everyone. May the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all.

Why I hate my Birthday!!

Ok for those who keep asking me this is why!! The main reason is the fact 8 years ago I almost died on my birthday from my first ex-husband on my birthday. And if you read my poems you have a clearer picture of why I hate my birthday. If not well I have had a very shitty life. I have lived through more shit than anyone should before I was 16. I may have many reasons to hate life, but I have two reasons why I need to go on(my daughters). My daughter is the rock I rely on to get me up in the morning to continue with this shit hole life. I may one day fine the love I want and need. I don't hold my breath for it. I thought I had it once, but as it turned out it wasn't. I have for many years believed that I am cursed when it comes to love!! Hence the reasons why I have the tattoo of a lone wolf on my chest close to my heart. I am not sure if I will have the future I dream about. I hope that I will find someone that will understand me and accept me. So far haven't found that with anyone, they all try to change me or they themselves change. There has been many times that I have thought of myself as a succubus. So far whoever I get involved with turns into a monster after a time. I suck the good out of them!! Whatever I touch turns to shit!! I learned along time ago that!! I have a big fear that the future I dream about is just that a dream, that I will never find anyone to endure the intense feelings I have. I feel things way too much compared to the average person!!! That No One will survive my intense emotions. I have always had this problem and finding someone that can survive them is my problem. I can not be any other way. I have tried and made things worse. One day I will find peace and happiness. But that may not be this lifetime. I accept it but the hope is that my soul mate is out there somewhere!! I don't think the Gods and Goddess are that mean. But then again they can be, especially after the life I have lived so far. Ok I am done ranting for now. May the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all!
When they walk in the room you know You don’t have to see them walk in When you see them They take your breath away They are always on your mind In your thoughts during the day In your dreams at night You can not imagine your life without them You know they listen when you talk Just as you listen to them They respect you You respect them You can talk about anything Disagreements are talked calmly There is no angry yelling Walk away when your angry to calm down You know each others fears You help to calm any that come up You support each other You stand together to over come life’s challenges This is loving and being loved

Poem~What is pain

What is pain When your parent hits you Or when they call you names Or when one touches you sexually Is the pain physical or emotional When the life that started to grow Is so cruelly torn from your womb Is the pain physical or emotional When your love says they love you Only to turn into a monster The yelling, fighting, rape His threat of killing himself If you leave him Then only to have him almost kill you The stalking, the calls, the fear Is the pain physical or emotional When you realize that you getting old That you haven’t done anything But survive for years To be stuck in survival mode The relearning to live To overcome your past Is the pain physical or emotional
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