* Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.
* Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
* Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
* The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
* When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
* Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
* Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
* Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.
* The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
* Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
* Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.
* Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
* Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
* They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
* A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
* Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
* In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
* Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
* "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
* Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
* Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
* In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
* Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
* When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
* Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".
* Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
* Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
* Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
* Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
* Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
* Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
* Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
* Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
* Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
* For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
* Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.
* Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.
* Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.
* Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
* For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.
* There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.
* During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
* Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.
* Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
* Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.
* Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.
* Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.
* The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
* Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.
* Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.
* Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
* Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.
* Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
* Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.
* If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.
* Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
* He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
* Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
* Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
* Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.
* Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
