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What are you waiting for?
it's been too long...i haven't wrote in my blog for a long time...and maybe that's why this shit is eating at my mind, my heart, my soul.......
shadows from the past keep overshadowing my days...when i least expect it another one darkens my day...the known...the unknown...all flow together anymore to tear me apart...bring the past to the present...and the ones who are closest don't understand why i keep avoiding the truth...avoiding all the ways to rid myself of those shadows for ever...
friends try to ease the pain...but to let them in means opening the filth to the light...allowing it to become who i am...and that person does not exist anymore...but the ones who appear in the light of day...the ones who shared that darkness keep it fresh in my mind when all i want to do is forget...
the human mind is a traitor...you forget those memories you wish to hold close...and the ones that torture you remain fresh...there every day to haunt the happiness you might feel...and lately it seems that happiness is nothing more than a word in the dictionary...an emotion that only exists in theory...
for every one person i meet who is happy...i meet five more who are living in a sea of pain the same as i...and i wonder some days how people continue to try when waiting around the corner is more of the same hurt they have experienced before....
i want so much to be able to open up and let all of it loose...to tell those who need to know, the truth...but the opposite of that coin is losing friends closest to me...no matter how many times someone says to me that they don't judge a person by what they've done i have yet to meet one who hasn't in the end...it destroys the image people have built in their mind...and image that is based on the bent view of a person you meet in this fake ass cyber world...a world that exists in a dimension that resembles hell most of the time....
a place where people can create the person they want to be...the person they can't be...the fantasy they want to live...or the reality they simply want to escape of a life not worth living by creating a perfect one...
and at the end of the day when the turn off their computer...go back to the real world...it is only a matter of time until they are drawn back to the satisfaction of becoming that other being...that person who may be here to hurt who they can...to use whoever allows it...to crush the life out of people who are only there to be a friend....
in the end we all make the choice of who we will be when we enter this unreal world...i made a choice a long time ago to be myself...and in the end the cyber world claimed me as its own...made me into something i would never have believed i could become...a stranger to myself...and when i tried to reclaim that person i used to be...that's when the shadows appeared...like demons waiting to pounce...and the angel of death was around the corner yesterday...bringing the fear of retribution for what i've done...not knowing if it was one that shared that darkness i have come to know...
and i sit here now knowing that it's time to let it out...to forget protecting the fragile person i used to be...and the shell i am now...and still not having the courage to do what i should...
