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On June 18, I mark the occasion of two of the worst moments in my life...The day I said I was done with 16 yrs of pain...And the day my brother in law was taken in a tragic accident...
And now...almost a year later...I'm still asking myself why God chose to destroy my life twice in one day?
Many people say there can't be a God for if there were...He wouldn't allow such human suffering...And being a Christian doesn't stop me from asking the same question...It just makes life that much harder to bear at times...Because you know that even after the pain of one tragedy finally eases...There will be more to come to tear it open and let it hurt all over again...
Reflecting on the past year, I find that I haven't really moved a single step forward...If I'm honest, I would admit that I have fallen back several steps...And I don't know if I will ever start walking forward again...
Because everytime in the past year when I thought I was back in step...Getting my life together...Something or someone else decided to get in the way of my parade...I actually feel like sometimes the only purpose I have is to be used as someone else's emotional punching bag...If I feel worse than they do, then they feel better about their own lives...And I'm stupid enough to sit here and let it happen...
Instead of standing up and fighting back...It's that old pounded into my head bible verse..."Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"...I do my damndest to treat people right...Bend over backwards to do everything I can...And get sh*t on in return...And does that stop me? No...Because I want to be able to look back and know that I did the best I could...Did what I thought was right...I don't want to live in a world of regret...
Unfortunately, I do...A world of regret that I can't seem find happiness in just being me...I look to others for validation that who I am is someone worthwhile...And that is a pathetic way to be...But when I try to see the person that others say I am...It seems as if their talking about a stranger...Someone I've never known...And I have no clue how to see that person in me...Maybe because I'm not meant to...
