6 days from 6 months (at the present time I am in my seventh month)
Addict name Carlton, back as usual. I limited my writings, because a lot of things I don’t need any publicity possibility making certain creases with a hole famous. But I do spend a certain portion of my day analyzing stuff. I don’t complain about their antics, but I do discuss things instead of holding it in. Even a volcano can erupt eventually from being to idle. I figured if I write annually then I can’t say I am going to be forgotten about. Personally, I have a lot of other projects that I have been indulging in, because it occupies my time and limit my time to be optional for ignorance. I reckon I know confusion, worthless matters, and those possessing both those enjoying those qualities can be gotten like candy in any store or house anywhere; I don’t have to settle for any or a certain brands. If you feel I might be mimicking your life on life exercises, just enjoy my adventure, excuse me life and you might discover the keys that resemble solutions and not continuations.
You ever done things that made you say, I was supposed to have done this the first time. Yeah, like doing something important or attend a relative’s funeral. Not just some aunt or uncle, no offense, but your sister. Now for me this is some big boy stuff to admit this and I guess it might not be a comfortable situation to discuss or read to some, but it is not for anyone else healing process. This is strictly for my benefit to make an amends. Yeah, I didn’t go to my sister’s funeral and I don’t have a “because story” or a “what had happen script,” it happened and I was the cause of the result. Do I feel good, hell no, I am still grieving and not from the death of the person now, it is basically the death of my family’s respect I temporarily killed or should I say wounded. I am the cause of the isolation from my family or certain members. I don’t feel like answering questions that I have been tried and sentenced for already. So today on even more short notice then I had with my sister a friend of 19 years past and I agreed to go to the funeral. I felt like I was mourning the death of sister for the first time. See my sister been gone 1 year now and I feel just like my man’s sister, if I could only talk to her one more time I probably will or wouldn’t be satisfied, because what about the next day. I be wishing to awake up out of the dream myself, but you don’t wakeup out of reality, you wake up and realize death is final and life is on going until then. It is not like telling your parents you don’t want to go bed yet, because you haven’t finished playing with your toys. At least you have an option, if the Higher Power sees fit to wake you again or even live long enough each day to be able to lie down to go to sleep.
Anyway, it wasn’t like some gala event, but I do assume that a lot of people was caught off guard and put on notice. I guess anyone would be around his age or beyond, but mostly a friend or associate can’t ignore it could have been them being celebrated with tears and hollering. That was a shot in the ass from the doctor of reality. Reality has no signals it is the signal and it is unavoidable no matter what, who, or how you accept it. Reality don’t come with instructions or the instructor to guide you thru life, of course God is the benefactor of course, but when reality shows up, all anyone has to do is live thru it or with it, which leaves not many options.
I have never been to a funeral that singled people out the way they did here. I along with a host of this man’s friends, from his experience with trucking, football alliances, and his job, a nightclub called the Frankford Room. In this nightclub, we are like family; we did so many things together other then just work. And to this very day around the holidays when we gather we all this time will be without “Pit bull”. The part that surprised me we was honored for being real close to this man and each of us had a unique story and at the same time we each couldn’t deny he was a friend that will be missed. And it was a joy to not just be honored once, but twice. Each time we were suggested to stand to be recognized. The second time we were suggested not is strangers, but continues or develops a relationship with the family of Pit bull. I have never witnessed any of this kind of honoring. This showed that although these people might not know us all, but it was oblivious Pit bull spoke highly of us. And I am not talking about any 5 or 10 people. It must have been 25 or 30 of us that was mentioned as a whole to be acknowledged. I felt proud to be this man’s friend. It is touching to know you don’t have to talk to a person or seeing them all the time to be considered their friend.
I did have a moment that makes me blush like a school child, but I been put on noticed, I am still desirable and marketable. No more how much I believed in my mind I was damage and wasn’t worthy of another woman’s attention. But in the church at a funeral is not like being in a public place other then church. Now thru it all I wasn’t trying to act out, but why is it funeral, clubs, or Sunday morning church is when you see some of the finest women, God give your eyes the gift to be rewarded a visual present. And like myself I find it hard to choice and pick a delicate piece at one of them events, because without the application (no.), interview (next meeting opportunity possibility date), you really can’t judge no book by just any old sleeve. But I would be lying if I didn’t have some questions, but was just too afraid to investigate farther for the answers. My fear is my hungry eyes might have been feasting on the wrong dish. I won’t lie my feelings are delicate and I am mindful of just how tender they are, because I can be my own worst enemy. I might know what I like and want, but I am a stranger to figuring out if it is what I need. That is like speaking Chinese although I do speak Korean. The closest I come to speaking Chinese other then the word china is reading something off the takeout menu.
But when I look at the filthy habits having to eat what I kill I don’t have to wonder why my sagas of relationshits often star, produced and have been directed by me, but always seems to be shown on low budget screening or get bad reviews by unknown critics. I have to eat the bullshit now along with my loses. Keep it simple if you’re stupid, I am not a cooperative counterpart I figure. My point is who in his or her right mind want to hit on someone at a funeral? I could be wrong, but I am good at problem solving and 1+1 always = sex, I mean two. But it does feel good when a woman makes advances and I have the will power to say yea or nay to the opportunity. All in all the higher power knew my heart and what I haven’t done yet, so the disease was putting its offer on the table, but my Higher Power had other things in mind. See I was with the brother of a girlfriend at the time, so disrespecting him and the unseen wasn’t an option. I felt like my hands were tied. But if it is meant when the time is right I will be better prepared I gather.
Today is one of them days that command and demand I focus and know what is at stake. I am a lot less tolerant to stupidity so I remain quiet as books in the library, because I am scared and I hate my acting out process now, because I haven’t done it in a down south minute (real long or slow). So would all “the to be continued anger” I didn’t reply to the sender be dumped on the wrong person? Possibility, I must recognize this daily. So I keep my mouth shut and pet my ego, like it is some type of cat or dog, because it doesn’t need to be fed people like the plant from little shop of horrors.
For instants I have some very tender feelings people I associate with and guess what my feelings aren’t suffering from being ice cold. They are being tortured, because of me being on my goody mob tip. I must admit it makes me feel like a punk. Some of these character assassinators try their best to terminate my kindness with their ignorance, because they think I am weak now, since I don’t manipulate to get straight or enhanced. Not knowing the thoughts I have in my mind has been like an attack on their ego. And from the things they say and do to me or around me won’t get addressed with my own self. I should say it isn’t a magic trick they are still standing, unless God changed his role overnight. It isn’t in the genes or the shoes so who and what army constantly is telling me to be on guard and don’t let your heart get infected? The Highest of all powers and his angels, like I mentioned. I let him play me like a yo yo, because I know as long as I remain on that string, when he toss me out to do tricks, I don’t have to worry about being safely returned. I have faith about his control. Faith is my shield today and I won’t trade it in for nothing.
I am going to continue to eat what I kill and if people happen to be that quick snack, then as I grow stronger they won’t have to worry about, if I will spit their emotions out to spare the feelings my onslaught, because I can be brutal, but I don’t plan to have them on my menu to be served. This is one of the main reasons why I remain quiet, don’t reply unless I need to and then I do it slowly, which indicates I am thinking of the best words for my use. I couldn’t display this type of grooming before now. So I do see some growth and I appreciate what the creator has gifted me with. When shit is not going my way I don’t feed into situations to farther escalate problems, instead I lay back play video games or throw myself into my work at the shop or into my new venture, my independent music label. The bull I face and hear don’t require any feedback. If anyone thinks they are going to get it from me they will be surprise when they hear that mouse pissing on cotton.
Recently, I felt kind of stupid for being so open and letting my feelings show up around some unsuspecting assholes, who crave having their will catered to and having it chauffeured around like they the last emperor or someone important. Anyway, I have done and do some things that might not be viewed as likeable, but guess what it is nothing like the days of old. Is it a crime to care for children or should say I care more for children that aren’t mine, because mine have not yet come around or can be explained to the situations of my demographical changes due to drugs. All my fault of course. See I have what you call a spousal support for a child, but I am not married so don’t confuse yourself wondering. I am what you would call being claimed and I haven’t denied it otherwise, because I guess it feels good to be recognized for my lengthy time of service or availability. Anyway, I know for a fact some children have children and are childish thinking from the start. Some children have children and haven’t figured out how to stop acting or reacting likes children. It is a simple and confused state that I don’t like living in. But why is it I notices or I sense I am not suppose to be present around or show affection to a child. My theory is any man that displays more attention and out shines the parent’s lack of attention and parenting it might expose the fact that “They are not ON THEIR JOB”. Believe you me I don’t want to replace no one or their responsibilities. I am just teaching more about me and how to become a valuable responding individual to become a productive affiliate to my structured circle. But when I feel you are limiting me and want to overshadow my skills because of your fear and ignorance, I find it hard to not feel disgruntle. With power instill from the Higher Power I was able to avoid confrontation, which would have been like me throwing rocks in pond, which he claim is a river. And the ripples would be tiny splashes, because I have a more intelligent ways of making people realize, I have always been smart I just haven’t applied it to their acknowledgement. I guess if I really don’t associate with you how would you know if I have the ability to be more then you wonder about. Then the more I play with the situation in my foresight, I wonder if my lack of communication or stooping down to his one sided self could make him react or challenge me to a certain degree? Wouldn’t you feel slighted if someone takes their child out of your hands when you caring for them and then play with them for five seconds and then put them in the arms of someone else? The worst part of it, and then they leave and go on about their merry way smoking, lollygagging about nothing, or just occupying space in another room. When I see such immaturity I don’t even entertain challenging the situation, because plan and simple Carlton, that is not your child. If it were you would still be with shorty. Hell we wouldn’t even is baring a seed this early in her life. Me being a grown up won’t scale the legal lines of statutory rape. You get what I don’t digest and most times your attitude determines what I might not even want to share with you period. Plan and simple, I don’t like childish grown ups, who feel they on the same level as fresh out of school young adult, and I especially hate when they feel the need to put there hands on them. God have been forbidding certain men to put their hands on my relatives and having me learn about it.
I think the repulse shit is whenever these happenings are in the mist of my company and never once has it been addressed gives my feelings fuel to explode. And I must admit I defuse my detonator daily, because since I have eliminated my equation of the situation it is in fact none of my business. I don’t even push the envelope about the issues that wrecks my peace whenever this child is present. The child is not the problem, it is the grown ups who if I was blind I would still believe something is out of order. I can sense it disgusts them, but I won’t play on their feelings, but I do feel me ignoring them for having an avenue to vent their feelings is destroying them inside. But that is not my problem; they need to honestly address the grading system with the corporate that is guilty. My thinking makes me want to believe it was something said to that affect to someone intentional lack of parenting, because being a parent is when you are present to answer them 3 a.m feeding. Hell, any feeding for that matter. It doesn’t mean you goo-goo-gaa-gaa and roll out to your other home and take care of someone else seed. I been there done that. My past tells me; if you are present around another child in a relationship consider yourself guilty of neglecting your own seed. But I can’t just blame him and leave the evidences for another individual to discover, the enabler is just as guilty. One for not rectifying something is wrong. I use to address the matter to their mother in the past and my thinking tells me I was discussed telling the truth and if that is the reason I am being scrutinized like I am. I got something to say about this whole situation, if someone would just MAN THE FUCK and become Parent, they won’t ever have to worry about how I feel. And it is no secret they care or they wouldn’t go out their way to make sure I am absent around their seed.
I am recovering and I am not trying to be Martin, Mandela, Gandhi, or Evers, so like Mellie Mel said, “Don’t push me, because I am too close to the Edge. I am trying not to lose my freedom, clean time and beginning phases of recovery.
Quick update, I apologize to my loyal followers, but this was a month late update. Today I am still surrendering and have applied yet another month on to the process. I have also stepped up my game and name I am part owner of a growing independent record label, called Black Cloke Entertainment. I have yet to establish my name of my group of artist, but I am leaning towards “Hoods to Boardrooms Records”. I wish anyone with desires to be successful to never stop moving towards waking up from just dreaming to just accomplish what you might hear or believe is impossible. Nothing is impossible if it is important to you.
Most of the situations I have written about have been addressed or just totally move on and not upon. Since people see my process is not incorporate hood with Hollywood they know no which to infect my spirits, so they just watch and just like my reads they look for something to enjoy. In their case they would prefer fresh road kill, but we all know I am not going to be the prey or hunter in that situation, so move on.
