96 if you are keeping track
Addict name Carlton. I am proud to be an addict, because if I wasn’t addict in recovery I would still be obsessed with my thinking. My core of self obsession would still be unwilling, un-honest, closed minded to becoming clean. I am really exposing myself to letting someone out there know it is ok to surrender. God is still around he hasn’t turned his back on you, no matter what or how you feel. It is always someone, like myself out here who know where you are at or been, but it is definitely not something that should keep the suffering ones trapped. I know I been there. I was comparing out more then in. It starts with how you present things, what you say represent your thinking. My thinking didn’t come till after I thought I did something slick and found out better. One of the main excuses or ways I compared out was when I used to say I only! That word only will get your ass killed by your own omission. KISS: keep it simple stupid, if you don’t and constantly look for files in cakes to break yourself out of your own jail, then your will die, if you don’t give yourself that break. Remember the times after you cry “God help me this one last time. I will do anything.” and didn’t realize what you was saying at the moment? I talking about myself, but how many times you relapsed the minute the pain was subsided or I got the money buy the material to make the mask I could happily wear just for that moment. I know I can no longer substitute money for help from God.
I think about all those soldiers my comrades, who followed what those in that corrupted twisted thinking society considered the right way, just get one. It is the only way to be accepted by us. We that in crowd you are curious about and we do this and that. You can handle it. You got any money? If you don’t, come back when you got enough for ME and you. The only requirement for membership is USING. They as a resulted aren’t able to breathe and witness someone saying to them “keep coming back”. They believe what laws the disease displayed. They got caught in the hood’s limelight, which was a trapped the disease had waiting for them. Unfortunately, they won’t ever able to receive a one day key. No one is ever going to believe they had the desire to stop using. There are many who won’t have that option again to recover from their relapse. This disease is dangerous, because it targets our thinking first and make surrendering to something pulling you out yourself sound wonderful, so you of course I answered when it called.
If them dopes and cokes are worth millions then think about how they got that valuable, thru us; the addicts of yesteryear, yesterday and today, fuck tomorrow because plans of tomorrow aren’t promised to me or anyone. Just for today I know I don’t have to be headed in the direction I came from 96 days ago. I look back often to see if it is someone looking for someone that have that attraction they believe who was similar to their story. Thru this process I choice to use this way to help them break the tissue walls box open they trapped in. I don’t just write this shit for my health, but then and again, I do because this helps me to realize my health does depend on staying clean and recovery behind making the high power my Spiritual Sponsor, is my priority.
I refuse to not enjoy another Christmas day, which is today or any day I am able to be blessed to awaken. When I see the biggest smiles on people faces it reminds me of those on them Christmas morning after seeing you have a present under the tree. So if I picture today as Christmas you know what I am trying to achieve, making someone smile from the gift I was able to give them. This is the only way I can get something out of what I have and constantly being taught to give it away make me feel obligated to do so. I have to help anyway I see fit. My attraction is also a way of giving it away. When I was getting high people would asked me where I get that from. So if I am looking better they comment about getting themselves clean for once or again, because they remember or want to know how better life is on the other side of the fence. Not hanging in the balance in the middle of the fence fighting for equal ground.
I remember as if it was yesterday a few of my friends, associates, and now that I think about it I was hanging with pack breakers (use at each other houses, trap girls together, team up on hook and crook capers, to get them pack and share it together) they aren’t here today and never had the chance to see how glory felt. It was a many of them that remembered me never wanting to touch the hard stuff. I told them I wouldn’t ever touch that shit. I was stronger then that. My I’s was too close together, if you ask me. I really was saying I was stronger then them. If that wasn’t a bitch, I justified what was hard, what wasn’t, thought I was better and didn’t pay attention I had them oars that was helping me slowly rowing my ass into them shark infested waters. Thank God, I didn’t keep my hands at my side and didn’t fight for that life preserver or to get to raft. And as long as I continue this recovery process I am going to hold on to this life preserver. Call me Linus (from the peanuts). But what I am saying is I remember preaching to them about how they have to give that shit up. I really didn’t have anyone taking my hand and telling me anything after I realized I was hooked. Hell I even ran with my imagination of I was beyond help, I was going to die using and pray for it. I guess I had to feel some of that shit I was preaching and thought it could never be me. Today, as I sit down and look at yesterdays, I admit they had to be my teachers, because I wasn’t listening or trying to hear a soul about NA. It didn’t matter if this mother fucker had a megaphone and showed me change on a movie screen. To be truthful I wasn’t thinking I was supposed to stop using at all. I even told the judge I wasn’t going to stop using. He said you’re Free to Go. Case Dismissed. I guess he said to himself, when you get enough pain, I hope you make back. Like a man at the meeting said, take an alarm clock to the grave yard, set it and see who wake up. I am grateful I haven’t made it that far. I want to be granted the blessings to wake up and enjoy my serene and clean time I am constantly praying for
I remember when I thought I was in love with the drugs, I had to look at the idea and change the thought, because I don’t want that bitch to feel ever it is a chance to reconcile, fuck that. A few women till this day give me the willies’. In my mind, I see myself running; I keep it short and very sweet, because I can’t unpause that pain button. No matter how good the head and below the shoulders shit was, I won’t sentence myself to Life in prison. I would be a fool to make a U-turn after I asked God to help me. Of course when it stopped I thanked God and moved on. I do the same shit with them baggy pants boys. I keep it moving, because they like Jehovah Witnesses, but they promoting that pain I am accustomed to. In the beginning I would flitch like a rat ran across my foot. Hell when I said NO, my voice would sound so shaky and unstable; I had to wonder did they believe me. Now with some time under my belt my experiences with just for today have helped to mature my confidence to deal with my reality. I never needed it so why would I want it today? Still can’t think of a reason to use today. I also don’t think too long on the subject, because my obsessive destructive thinking would develop an idea, I’m alright. I can handle this thing and no one will know. Only you and God will know. How about the eyes I don’t see, who see me auditioning the 12-step program. What about that baggy boy, his runners, or the person I get to run for me. How the hell won’t someone know? It is too many people to kill just to keep my secret. I won’t force myself to be sick as my secrets again. I know how hard it is to live with the mask on I did it for decades. Of course the disease tried to convince me I could do it and hide many times in 96 day. Thank God I realized from the previous times that in order for me to survive this trip, I had to detour my thinking. My best thinking got me in trouble and surrendering daily got me this far.
I and those that use to occupy my playpen that can’t share this recovery and never will be able showed me I’m not disease proof. This motherfucker scarred me for life. I don’t doubt it is uncanny with non-refundable pain waiting for my bails bondmen to post its bail. I am definitely glad it is no return options available and I am especially glad it has to require that I give it permission to be activated. Now think if you never activate shit then it won’t do any damage. I rather not play tennis in recovery. If I am going to get a turn in anything let it be something haven’t experience, because my past haunts me enough. But I bet you one thing I won’t hide like some rat in a hole. The same shit I am reporting, I won’t hesitate to admit I want help with this shit here. Too many of us let our I’s run too close together, so I refuse to be a part of that society, no I don’t know everything. No I can’t know everything, if I wasn’t taught it. Hell I am just learning about what is happening today, so who ever got a lesson that has some insight for bettering not speeding up my recovery, because recovery is a life long commitment, share that shit.
I am glad I am living the example the program suggested, because what could I do better then promotion? Make my life look like a billboard. I know people can see, so let them remember my story and then look at the outcome. Hell I am like a movie, I had many sagas and epics running concurrent and now people see the main attraction that is promoting without a word it is a silver lining in the skies. That lining doesn’t have anything to do with money like I craved back in the day. My lining is open mindedness, honestly, and willingness. Those are the keys that are opening up many doors that have many people waiting, who are willing to help me continue my journey.
Just for today if I haven’t helped anyone yet, I will keep coming back, because maybe my attraction will do it eventually. Like they told me a person using will have me using before I get them clean. I am willing to challenge that this way. If they keep reading they might become convinced maybe they do need to give themselves a break.
