Beaver's blog: "Beaver's Damn"

Squanto was an Injun... A Redskin... He didn't know what the term Native American meant. Things like that did not bother ole Squanto. He was worried about his next meal. Where to find a good leaf to wipe his ass on. And how many white-eyes was he spozed to scalp to get his daily quota. Squanto was a normal Injun warrior who made some bad movies. They suck! I think Squanto should return to being a modern day Injun or, Native American. That way he can bitch how the white man stole his land. Kicked his ass. And stuck him on a reservation, where he drinks beer all day and thinks of Wounded Knee. I don't care what Squanto does... But please... Do not star in anymore movies!

You know what... My brain don't always work right. I'll be the first to admit that. Thar are times in my life I has done some amazing and stupid things. My brain seems to go south. I once woke up thinking I was the Pope... Pope Willy. I put on a white bedsheet. Made a hat out of tinfoil and got a tobacco stick. I was Pope Willy. I then walked around the Holler speaking in tongues and blessing everyone I encountered. I was making the sign of the Cross and actually believed I was Pope Willy. I went to the local Catholic Church and drank some of the wine. I commenced to preaching to no one from the altar. Shortly, I was met by Sheriff Earl and his deputies. I blessed them. They thanked me and took me directly to Hotel Nuts. The following day I awoke and was back to my old, normal self. You reckon that might have been an act of Divine Intervention..? Or, just a crazy saga from my sordid past..?

Before I was under house arrest, Nora and me went to Shanghai Charlie's Seafood Inn located next to Lake Ohmigosh. It's a fancy eating place. I usually steer clear of them type of places. Costs too much and they don't give you enuff to eat. Besides, Nora makes me wear a tie. I go ahead and do it. Nora wears a short skirt and black fishnet stockings which drive me wild. Nora is built real good with long pretty legs. You know what I mean? That's why I agree to wear a tie. We went in thar and it was dark. Candles were lit on the tables. Nora thought it was romantic. I thought it was cheap. Save on the electric bill. We finally get a seat after waiting fifteen minutes. And we was spozed to have had a reservation! Well, we go to our table. I wasn't drinking that night. I was driving. Nora got to drink her favorite wine. It is expensive, too. But I didn't care. Nora was paying the tab. We sat thar and listened to some jerk playing a fiddle. He was wearing a tux and playing some sissy music. He came to our table and wanted me to make a request. I tole him I wanted to be waited on fer food. He frowned. So did Nora. I then asked him to play the Charlie Daniels' Classic, "The Devil Went Down To Georgia." He didn't know it. What kind of fiddle player is that? Nora requested something. She explained the fiddle player only plays classical music. I reminded her Charlie Daniels is a classic! Finally, a waiter comes and take the orders. He is flirting with Nora. She is eating it up since she thinks the male waiter looks like Brad Pitt. I know better. The ole boy is trying to butter her up fer a good tip. After thirty minutes, the food arrives. Small portions! Not enuff to fill my hollow tooth. Well, we eat and then prepare to leave. Nora gives me $75 bucks to pay the bill and tip Brad Pitt. Nora excused herself to go to the bathroom. Man, that food cost sixty dollars! Highway robbery! Brad came back to the table and I gave him five bucks and this tip. "Don't eat here... It costs too much!" Brad frowned and left. Nora asked me if I tipped him. I assured her I took care of him. On the way home, I stopped by the burger palace and got Nora and me a carry-out order with the ten bucks I had kept. We ate that when we got home. Now you know why I don't like to eat out. I also got tartar sauce on my tie! Yuk, Yuk!

I do have a dislike fer hitch-hikers who transform into vampires. I picked up a gal during a blizzard a few years ago. She turned into a bloodsucker and attacked me inside my truck cab. I reckon she didn't like the taste of my blood. She spit it out and cried, "It tastes like posion!" Must be the half Moron in me. The vampire caused me to crash my truck into a tree. When the police arrived they only found me in the wreck. The vampire gal had gone. You can't hurt a vampire in a wreck. They is already dead. I was in the hospital fer three weeks. My throat was injured. The doctors thought it was caused by the crash. They did not believe the vampire story. But it is the truth. I survived but I still have a low opinion of vampire hitch-hikers. I cannot help it. I just don't like them!

I have tole this story before but must retell it agin...It popped in my head and I need to put it down fer the official record. One day the blogs of Willy Beaver Moon will become historical papers. I must stop deleting them. I'm half moron and half earthling. Mama is from the planet Moron. She came to earth seeking some strange. She met pappy. It didn't get any stranger than that. Morons is super horny people. Pappy and mama did the buttboogie and I was born on the planet Moron. I could not live thar. Moron has a law banning all half breeds. Yea, it is a stupid law but what do you expect from Morons? I was returned to earth to be raised by Pappy and the entire Moon family. Pappy tole me the story when I was in my teens about my being half moron. I found out later he spoke the truth. I met my mama. She is now the ruling queen of moron. Pappy died while in bed with two hookers. He was shot to death by a jealous girlfriend. It's okay... Pappy died with a smile on his face. He went out with a bang. The only way he would have wanted to go out. As fer me, this entire story makes it easy to understand why I was always different from the other kids. I is half moron. Just a couple of years ago, I learned I have a twin brother who was raised in England by another family. Mama really got around the planet.

We got that thar Military Base hidden on the far side of the mountain. I is convinced the Military is experimenting on the locals in Hoopee Holler. Have been every since the feds dumped toxic wastes here. They built the base right after that. Thar must be a group of mad scientists working fer the Military. Last year, we had sharkbass appear in Lake Ohmigosh. The mad scientists crossed a shark with a largemouth bass and got a sharkbass. Then the sharkbass was cloned and dumped into the local lake. The Sharkbass grew to large sizes and commenced to eating people who ventured into the water. Well, I understand now the sharkbass are gone. They were trapped and sent to the east coast ocean to help with Homeland Security. This is based on my theory. I put some thought into it as you can see. I dunno if the Military can control the sharkbass. Perhaps they can. But if not... Don't go swimming in the Atlantic Ocean! But I reckon you can return to swimming in Lake Ohmigosh. Fishing, too. The lake has been restocked with gamefish by the military.

People ask me, "Beaver. How can you devote so much time to the computer?" I cannot do much of anything else. I had to retire from my beer delivery truck after I was placed inside the mental institution. I was put on social security benefits from Uncle Sam. I was written off as being mentally incompetent. Or something along those lines. No one will hire a recovering mental patient. Plus... I am under house arrest. I cannot go but a few feet outside my cave-home or I will go to jail. Thar are two bracelets attached to my ankles that will sound a silent alarm if I go past my boundry. The computer is about the only contact I have with the world besides my friends and the TV sets.

March 23, 2007 - Friday Albert Einstien ..> Albert Einstien is a feller I met while we were both guests at Hotel Nuts. Albert was a pleasant guy but no one could understand what he was saying most of the time. He used them ten dollar words and was always reading the books. Albert and me became pals. After I was released from Hotel Nuts I came across an article about Albert. The article claimed Al was a bona fide genius. Gosh! I never would have thought that. I always thought Albert was a true dumass like me. Even worse! Al could not tie shoes. He admitted that to me. Simple tasks were beyond his realm. He could not do anything. The man did not have enuff common sense to comb his hair. The article claims Al came up with a Theory of Relativity. Big deal! I have my own theory about relatives. I won't loan my relatives money. They never repay me. I figure whoever wrote this article must have been paid by Albert. I mean... If Albert was a true genius... Why didn't he wear boots? You don't have to tie most boots! And Al could have gotten a burr haircut. He would never have to worry about combing his hair. I would think a true genius would have figured these things out. I figured 'em out and no one has ever called me a genius!

March 23, 2007 - Friday Albert Einstien ..> Albert Einstien is a feller I met while we were both guests at Hotel Nuts. Albert was a pleasant guy but no one could understand what he was saying most of the time. He used them ten dollar words and was always reading the books. Albert and me became pals. After I was released from Hotel Nuts I came across an article about Albert. The article claimed Al was a bona fide genius. Gosh! I never would have thought that. I always thought Albert was a true dumass like me. Even worse! Al could not tie shoes. He admitted that to me. Simple tasks were beyond his realm. He could not do anything. The man did not have enuff common sense to comb his hair. The article claims Al came up with a Theory of Relativity. Big deal! I have my own theory about relatives. I won't loan my relatives money. They never repay me. I figure whoever wrote this article must have been paid by Albert. I mean... If Albert was a true genius... Why didn't he wear boots? You don't have to tie most boots! And Al could have gotten a burr haircut. He would never have to worry about combing his hair. I would think a true genius would have figured these things out. I figured 'em out and no one has ever called me a genius!

I have a fondness fer Nymphomaniacs. Thar is something about a gal who loves to put out fer free that attracts me. "No" is a word that is not in the vocabulary of a Nympho. That is another attraction fer me. Fer those of y'all who have been living beneath a rock a Nympho is addicted to sex. A Nympho has got to have it! I have much in common with the Nymphos. I wanted to join the Nymphos. But I was turned away. The Nymphos tole me their club was a Girls' Only club. Cricketshit! That's the same thing the Lesbians tole me when I tired to joint their club!