This was me venting about a two months ago....
Im over it now....but it may help some of you out there that are going through something similar...
I was thinking (as I often do, probably too much these days) about my life thus far, and in all honesty as much bullshit as I have been through..... my life is so.....empty...
I mean....I've messed up my life in more ways than one believe me....and I can totally identify with peeps that feel like it would be better if they could somehow end it all......and what they are going through......
Sometimes I amaze myself at how I was able to bounce back everytime.
I mean.... I have a handfull of friends who I love dearly and perhaps too much drama for one person in this bullshit assed city....but beyond that its just a vast expanse of gray, foggy nothingness....
But....with the exception of very VERY few of you....... most of the people I know or thought I knew can kiss it.....talkin' shit......bein shady......for whatever reason or another......I seemed to have come to a place where I realize that most of you fuckers are full of shit........and I'd be waaaay better off alone....
But Ive noticed....the difference between me and 98% of the haters ive befriended or encountered is....even if I dont RESPECT you......I would never DISRESPECT you....and its too bad the converse isn't true....
Yet......I graduated High School, College, and Graduate School.....and always knew somewhere in the back of my mind that I was destined for fame and fortune....but dont we all think that at one time or another?.....looks like I'm headed more down the path of infamy instead...
Hell, the one talent I actually possessed at one time I have ruined by smoking weed like a goddamn freight train....Thank God those days are over.....and relationships.... hahahaha......thats a BIG one for me....I've failed at every relationship I have ever even started......even moreso miserably at the ones I managed to get up offa the ground....Love has always eluded me...... while I've sat by and watched women fall at the feet of cats who are not conducive at all to their well being.....
I was talking earlier today to this young tender that I care very much about.....we had some minor beef that I wont go into (totally her fault)....and I stopped talking to her.....well after a month or two of ignoring her....I hear how shes slamming my name and disrespecting me....not to mention the fabricated lies from her and her on again and off again lover (who is so much of a bitch to me that its preposterous)....the fact that a damn near 35 year old man can sit back and gossip like this with an under-20-year-old that he concocted a sick and twisted psuedo relationship with is beyond me.....but come to think of it....every chick hes fucked with since Ive known him has been just shy of 21 for the most part.....so maybe its a problem that lies deep within his persona....and only little girls can deal with it.....
whatever though.....it is what it is.....Im not one to gossip like a female.....even moreso...... Im not gonna act like I dont have a pair..... and implore the mindless drugged out humps in this scene to ostracize someone because I wasnt man enough to bring the beef too his face....that is tantamount to kids on the playground telling each other not to play with this one kid.....because his parents are poor.....
I guess I've become the Memphis party crowd's version of the Pee Pee Kid. LOL
Anyway.....I was totally pissed at this girl....but ultimately I was wrong because I only tried to hook up with her to spite her sister who I definitely adored and was talking to frequently at the time.....(my beef with her sister's shady ass is a whole other can of worms, so don't ask)...
I shouldnt have done that....She didnt deserve it....and maybe thats why it backfired in my face......but I was trying to hurt her sister....I guess I can be pretty vindictive....and an asshole sometimes.....but whatever.....
I dont have either in my life now....which is good for the most part.....but.....you can only be alone for so long before it becomes a part of your psyche and you essentially forget how to function in a relationship.....
I'm so tired........I feel twice my actual age most days......is this what life is all about?...... where's all the glitter and glamour?...... where's MY Princess Ariel?......Where's the sense of accomplishment and fullfillment? *sigh*
The holidays are closing in also........and that is always a hard time for me, because its so focused on family and I really don't have a sense for what that is (not even gonna BEGIN to explain that one).......
However...I'll continue to have faith and keep my head up high no matter how daunting things get at times....... I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.......Life is a slow process at times...... but things will look up!......I will think positive and hopefully I will that attract same kind of energy.....
okay, I am quite sure that I am babbling on nonsensically at this point, so ima just shut up like I always do and forget that I posted this....
say word...n shyt....
and you betta get the mixtape when it drops....*wink*
