lil mama 08's blog: "writings"

March 12th, 2009 My feeilings Why do I have to feel this way? Why do they come in my life again and again? With each one a different story. Tho each story ends the same. Ends with me getting heartbroken, Feeling unwanted or not worthy enough. Each persons story I understand. But why each story do, I get dragged back in, I get mixed signals, I beleave them agian. One story I cant say anything but, I understand and still feel hurt and used. The other story I fall back in his lie, I beleave him when he says he misses me And he loves me. I beleave him when he says he cant wait to have me back. And once again i get hurt, I feel worthless and feel nobody wants me. Nobody wants a single mother. Nobody cares how I feel Otherwise they wouldnt be doing this to me. They'd be honest with me and They wouldnt change anything. They wouldnt make excuses And they wouldnt duck and dodge me. If only they truly knew How I felt. If only thye truly understood. The pain and hurt I go through Nows the time I start Blaming myself. Because if I could keep my mouth shut and not say anything, They wouldnt konw how I felt for them. It wouldnt hurt as bad with the rejection that comes with me talking. If only my heart would turn to stone. If only I had no feelings for men Then it wouldnt hurt anymore. I wouldnt get my heart broken over and over. Only if I could learn how to keep my heart closed off forever. I dont need these feelings anymore Because nobody wants what I have to offer And wehn they do, they lie about it to get what they want, not caring about me. Well thats it Im done getting hurt Im locking my feelings away never coming out again until I know. Thats it, this is the time. Im tired of the games, Im tired of the lies, Its time for me to stop Giving. Its time fro me to start Recieving Its about what I want in life. Its about who will want to share that with me Its about putting my son before EVERYONE. I will no longer feel unwanted. OR worthless. Or be the one always getting hurt. I will keep this wall up and not let it down until... Its time. by: Malissa M. Watkins

March 9th, 2009 I can move on..... You stole my heart along time ago You embraced it You loved it and then You crushed it and tore it from my chamber You had a hold on me that no one else could see Because of you I couldn't date anyone, I couldnt get close to anyone, I couldnt let them have what...., I didnt have to give them. Because of you I couldnt be free I couldnt love someone else I couldnt let my wall down Now over the years Now over the months Now over the days That I've been so lonely I was able to love again As soon as I was able To love him, YOU reminded me why I couldnt love him truly He was just another you He tore my heart out too Now I sit and think Will I be able to love Someone the way I loved you? Without getting my heart crushed?!?! My answer is yes aslong as I can move on, As long as I am ME! by: Malissa M. Watkins

March 9th, 2009 All my life I've been asking my self why me being dead would be so much better, than me being alive. Why death sounds so peacefull to me. I realized its not the death I want. Its the feeling of never being hurt by anyone anymore. Its the feeling of peace Im longing for. Being alive has only brought pain and suffering. When I dream the dreams of death, Im not affraid of it. I dont run from it. Instead I welcome and embrace it. In my dreams, all I do is re-live the painful, tourcherous, days. The days the people I loved, leave me. They leave me aone in this dark abyss. Theres no one to be there for me. Eeveryone says they will stay and be there for me, but they leave and hurt me more. They say they love me and when I need them the most they up and leave me. In my time of need, I only ever have myself. Will I ever find someone who will stay? Will I ever find someone who will love me and be there for me? In my drams I never have to worry about that. Death is comforting in my mind. Death is my only savior to the pain I have. Now that I am a single mother, thats all I fear now. Death is no longer my sancuary of comfort. But my enemy for life. Who will be there for my son, if I chose death over life? Who would be the one to teach him how to make it in life the right way? Theres no male in his life, only me, his mother who has to be his father as well. If I leave him, that pain would never go away, even in death it will remain. Death is coming, this is inevitable, but now how long can I run from it? How long do I have to be the mother and father to my son? If anything were to happen to me, whos going to be able to fill the shoes I had created? Will anyone be strong enough? Will I have found someone to help me by then? The one thing Ive yearned for, is now the one thing I fear the most. How long will it take to get the dreams to be gone? How long will it be before I find somone to love me? To be there for me when Im in need? How long???? by: Malissa M. Watkins

March 1st, 2007 Life throws many problems your way everyday. Whether its through your friends, family or you companions. The struggles are just little stepping stones. Sooner or later, stepping stones can be removed. Problems or struggles will be solved. You dont have to think that things wont get better, because with time, they will. People try to contradict themselves, when problems (or as I like to call them; stepping stones) arrise. They think what ever the problem or problems may be, that its only happening to them. I used to contradict myself all the time. I thought all my problems i was facing, i was going through alone, and that nobody else knew what I felt like. I was so wrong!! I know so many people that have picked up that stepping stone in their life, and have thrown it out. I later down the path just hopped over my stepping stones, because this particular stone I never wanted to just toss away. This particular stone is the type of stepping stone you work with, and find a place were it looks like it belongs. You move it here and there, but with that comes interruptions in your path, but you work just a little bit harder and you find the perfect spot for that stone. Most stepping stones are meant to be tossed out, so that you can go on with your path in life, but most or even all people will have 1 or a few more stones placed aside where they fit, but not tossed out and forgotten. So when people are struggling with their stepping stones and feel like theres no one else out there that could possibly know what they are going through, they need to talk to someone. Explain what is going on and how you feel. Beleave me, there are a ton of people that will let you know: YES- I've been there and know exactly what your going through. I will help as much as you let me, to either toss out that stepping stone or place it on the side where it will fit, but will always be there. ~OR~ NO: I havent a clue on how you feel or what your going through. But im here if you need a shoulder to lean on. If you need help placing the stepping stone where it belongs, i konw some people or some one that might be able to help you. Always konw there is people out there that can help you with situations you need help with. If you say to yourself "ya right nobody can help me because they dont know what it feels like", and thats when others, besides myself, will tell you, " Because your not looking, you need to gou outside the little box you have created, and find new people and just talk to them." Everybody soon will be able to toss out or find the right place for any stepping stones life throws your way. Some are permant, but placed where they belong, Some are the ones you have been able to throw away. by:Malissa M. Watkins

Feburary 28th 2007 Ask yourself: 1: Each time you see them you get a rush of being wanted, a rush of love, excitement and . happyness. 2: Do you get so overwhelmed you can barley speak? 3: Do you feel the one true spot that you feel safe is while your in their arms? 4: Do you get feelings where there are no words that could explain them? 5: Do you get so weak you can barley walk? 6: Do you melt when they look at you or, hold you, or say i love you.? 7: Have you ever experienced feelings this way towards another person? 8: When you become one, does the room just dissapear, and you feel like your going to melt into eachother, without distractions and all it is, is you and them? 9: Do you feel empty or lonely when they aren't near or around you? 10: Do you feel everyday you fall in love with them all over again? by: Malissa M. Watkins

November 4, 2006 With the weight of the world off your shoulders, you have a sense of nothing can go bad, that everything in life is perefect. It only last a little while, but to some its one of the best expereiences they've ever had. Everything goes the way you hoped and planned, but soon; that thought will be gone. Then it's back to the drawing board of the evrey day life, when things dont go the way you want, or life's not going the way you planned afterwards. You do things you've always wanted to do and, you are pleased with yourself, because you got something done that you wanted. But is tomorrow or the day after that, or the months or the years after that, Is that really going to be worth it in the end? Will you still be satisfied with yourself? Will that feeling last forever? When it is gone, you feel a huge rush of reality swoosh right infront of your face. Then you're back just like that! So is it worth feeling that way everyday?, or just once in awhile? Answer that to yourself and you will be able to tell how your life will go, as far as choosing what you want or path wise. Its your decision in the end. by: Malissa M. Watkins

November 1, 2006 What do you do when you cant make up your mind? When you miss what youve shared with another person, When you long to have a set of loving, comforting arms around you once again. You start to have feelings with a few people, and cant make up your mind. One person reminds you of the love you had, but is in a relationship. You tell them you can wait because thats wat they want you to do, but you know you cant wait forever. Another person shows very little interst, but you can tell there is something about that person, and you want to know wat it is. Then theres that other indavidual that makes you think of all the funny, good times with the person that you fell in love with, and you long for that aswell. This person slowly shows how they feel, but others say its not really right. What do you do when your so confused? What do you do when you want that one you love back in your life? Because you know that person knows you, knows whats wrong with you even before you do, that konws every touch and where to touch you and makes you so relaxed. When you want all that it makes you confused and obsessed! Being dazed like that you really dont konw what to do, The only real options you have is to A: Find out what that one person really thinks of you and see if they are even interested in you at all, and option B: see if the person that you really like wants anything to do with you other than just friends. its all just so damned Confusing!!! by:Malissa M. Watkins

October 15th, 2006 You were the one who made me feel needed and loved. You made me feel like I wanted to melt inside and out. Since July and the few times with eachother after wards, I've tryed to forget everything, but catch myself at least once a day, thinking of you. There have been others that attempt to take your place in my heart, but my stuborn ass wont allow it. You have had yours, and I've had mine, You've probably replaced those feelings, we once shared. If I could turn back the wheel I would, So that neither of us would've gotten hurt. I blame myself for everything that went wrong, because when you dont give me an explanation thats how I take it, that I had done everything to make it not work so, I wish I could take back all the fights we ever had, I wish I just could have made you happier. All these other guys who try to come and take your spot, are nothing, none of them compare to how you made me feel, just being around you. I still and will always love you, and cherish the happy moments. Because you are the only one so far in my life to make me feel needed to make me feel loved that much, I was someone with you, now I'm back to being that somebody you met. Being a beleaver in second chances you will always have as many chances as you want. by: Malissa M. Watkins

Septemeber 25th 2006 You started out young, and had problems before me. Then you brought m brothers ingto this world, but had me as a still born who was able to come back to life, I made you have a difficult delivary and put you through hell. I broke promises to you I should have kept. While I grew up, you were trying to make it better for me, but all I did was kept you in that hell. We always fought and would get into eachothers faces, and we would say things we didn't mean. But I would act on everything I said I was going to do. I'm sorry mom. I'm not ready for you to go, I'm not ready at all. I've got my friends and what family I will have left, but thats not enough. We will pull through this nightmare, we will get you out of the hell i helped put you in. We will be closer than we were and will be one again. Just like we were when I was inside you mom, I will be reborn again and I will keep you on top of the world. When the time comes, you'll be with the others, that also love you and will be waiting for you. You will be shown love before and after you go. I'm sorry it took this much time to realize how much you truly mean to me. As time goes by I sit and think to myself, Why did I wait almost 20 years to become closer to you? WHY? Now I know I will be strong, I will have support for when you move on. I will always love you and cherish the time we have together, and not dwell on how soon you may be gone. We will live our lives to the fullest, we will be strong as one. All my love is to you mom, I love you. It's me and you forever and always, and that will never change. If you go through hell I will be there with you, even though it may not be long, I will be by your side forever mom. Nothing, no words, no changes, no person, will change my mind. Its me and you, remember, Me and You mom! By: Malissa M. Watkins

December 13th, 2005 Why did you have to take them away from me? Why didnt you even let them have a chance to live? Are my unborn children not good enough for this world? Are you affraid of what they could've been? Why them, why not me? I've been longing to die since I was 14, Why couldn't you take me? I'm nothing special. I'm not a fucking God, I'm just a lost soul who will never, Forgive you for what you've done. Was taking everyone I loved away, From me not good enough? You had to take my twins aswell. You want people to forgive one another, But after all this how could anyone, Forgive you? I just want to drink myself to death, To be with my children, Take me now! Strike me dow so I don't, Feel empty and worthless. Make me have the strength to take my life, It's not worth living for anyway, You've taken all that I loved dearly, Eeveryone I love you just yank from me, So now it's my turn, Yank me from this shit whole! Take my life away, Take the pain back that you've caused. Take me and leave everything be. Stop causing the pain YOU dont want to have to bare. Take my life tonight and let me be free Let me be with my children by: Malissa M. Watkins