March 9th, 2009
All my life I've been asking my self why me being dead would be so much better, than me being alive. Why death sounds so peacefull to me. I realized its not the death I want. Its the feeling of never being hurt by anyone anymore. Its the feeling of peace Im longing for. Being alive has only brought pain and suffering.
When I dream the dreams of death, Im not affraid of it. I dont run from it. Instead I welcome and embrace it. In my dreams, all I do is re-live the painful, tourcherous, days. The days the people I loved, leave me. They leave me aone in this dark abyss.
Theres no one to be there for me. Eeveryone says they will stay and be there for me, but they leave and hurt me more.
They say they love me and when I need them the most they up and leave me. In my time of need, I only ever have myself. Will I ever find someone who will stay? Will I ever find someone who will love me and be there for me? In my drams I never have to worry about that. Death is comforting in my mind. Death is my only savior to the pain I have.
Now that I am a single mother, thats all I fear now. Death is no longer my sancuary of comfort. But my enemy for life. Who will be there for my son, if I chose death over life? Who would be the one to teach him how to make it in life the right way? Theres no male in his life, only me, his mother who has to be his father as well.
If I leave him, that pain would never go away, even in death it will remain. Death is coming, this is inevitable, but now how long can I run from it? How long do I have to be the mother and father to my son? If anything were to happen to me, whos going to be able
to fill the shoes I had created? Will anyone be strong enough? Will I have found someone to help me by then?
The one thing Ive yearned for, is now the one thing I fear the most. How long will it take to get the dreams to be gone? How long will it be before I find somone to love me? To be there for me when Im in need? How long????
by: Malissa M. Watkins
