In another life, I get hit for advice on the daily. I always hear the same problem, too. 'My husband isn't romantic.' 'My wife doesn't fuck me.' Well, do you have sex regularly? 'Yes, twice a week.' What kind of sex is it? 'Um, well, he...uh...goes down there, and um, kisses it, and then I assume the missionary position and we climax together.' How long does it take when he gets in the missionary? 'Um, a couple minutes.' Okay, how long did it take when he was giving you oral sex? '...ten or fifteen minutes, I guess' Sometimes I hear this without the oral sex, too. At least 70% of the time, it's women receiving and not giving as much. And before anybody gets big nipples and says 'I'm the exception', if you're the exception, then obviously this does not apply to you, so ignore this portion and give me some examples of dicks and pussy that would be insulting. For the ladies it does apply to (and you know who you are) stop being selfish in the Felatio region; branch out, but branch out in a way that benefits your partner, instead of just you.
Let me put it this way-even if you try something new, like one-batter bukkake, if you end up doing it EVERY time you have sex, it gets boring. You need a little Teriyaki in your one-man Bukkake. You also need to pay attention to your partner instead of thinking about what YOU aren't getting.
Men and women have two very different ideas of romance. Women want Harlequin, men want Hustler. They are two sides of the same coin, though. Women, if you want your man to be romantic, you've got to do stuff for him that he loves, too. It can't always be candle light, wine, petals on the bed, dancing to no music, and looking tenderly into your eyes as he whispers, "You're the reason I breathe." Remember this, when you get the above outlined romance, he's not doing it because HE finds it romantic, he's doing it because YOU find it romantic. He wants to sleep with you for the rest of his life, to him there's NOTHING more romantic than that.
Sometimes it's gotta be about him,-be dirty talking, ass-spanking, primitive, growling, sopranic sex-so quit being selfish and give your man what he deserves, already. He will be stunned, and later, he will be spontaneously romantic. Don't believe me? Tonight, when he's on the computer or reading or watching TV, walk up-out of the blue-with a coquettish smile on your face, hands behind your back, shoulders twisting slowly, eyes wide and ask, "Can I give you a blowjob?"
He will stop whatever he is doing, stare for a couple of minutes in stunned silence, stand up, and SKIP INTO THE BEDROOM with the biggest popsicle smile on his face that you've ever seen. Half way through the blow job, offer up some doggystyle, and ignore his hysterical giggles of disbelief. Tomorrow he will be far more loving than he's been in days, which in turn will make you horny and the cycle will repeat itself, YAY!!
It's a bit funny, really. In high school, men would be romantic until they got the booty, and then they'd disappear. Once your married, though, it's the opposite. Men aren't romantic unless they get the booty on the regular.
So Ladies, blow your men, and blow them regularly, and they will do the loving thing you're annoyed is missing. And to think, all you had to do was fuck/suck him like you should have been doing all this damn time, anyways. Spread the word! By noon tomorrow I want twenty men telling me their wives walked up and spontaneously gave them some sort of surprise sex, and then I want their wives telling me what their husbands did in response. *Cuddling? Shower together? Cook you breakfast in bed? Let you go play with his credit card at the mall? What?*
You have your homework, ladies!
Now, for the rest of you having fabulous sex six times a week, I have an assignment for you, as well.
I was thinking about dick and pussy earlier, how it's insulting to call somebody a dick or a pussy, dick-of course-meaning chauvinistic and pussy-of course-meaning bitchy/weak. But...I'm just not satisfied with those as insults. Call somebody a pussy or dick, but without a little creativity...it's just, well, bland.
How do I know you're not calling me some of the Ambrosia Pussy that keeps you Godlike and going for 18 hours with a thirty minute rest between hours 11 and 12? Ya know, the kind of unrequited fuckjoy that makes you drop ten pounds and sleep for twenty four hours?
Or calling somebody that Energizer Battery Dick (EBD), ya know, the kind you plug in and it keeps going and going and going...I would take that as a compliment.
But, if you'd said Arby's Pussy and I'd know you meant loose discoloured meat, shriveled & soon-to-be-moldy bun, and dry without the addition of sauce. Never a compliment! You just called me rotten and used. Bastard!
Or you could call somebody a Grub Dick, and I'd know you meant small, misshapen, and fat-possibly uncircumcised, as well. In other words, nothing that gets the job done...ever. Obviously not a compliment.
You described a specific, undesirable type of pussy or dick, and I knew you meant it as an insult.
So, let's remodel dick/pussy insults. Your homework is coming up with at least four new ways to insult people by saying dick/pussy. Make it work!
And lastly, the Announcement: Emo is the new Gay
We've all heard (and probably said) 'BLAH BLAH is so gay', but I say nay. Fuckin' NAY.
BLAH BLAH is so EMO! Emo is the new gay! So sayeth the Midget. Same meaning as people intend the word gay to have, but nobody can be accused of being homophobic by saying it. Emophobic? Yeah, but not homophobic. So, now if you grace my blog and want to call something gay, it is forbidden. 'That shit's so Emo' is the insult of choice here, okay Pimpkin? Same goes for 'no homo', it is now 'no emo'. Covers a wider range than 'gay' does anyways.
