Wicked Lil Girl's blog: "Wicked Softness"

So, apparently people notice what goes on with my page more than I ever thought they did. I decided to use my “crush” feature again today on here for the first time in over a month and many of you noticed right away. I appreciate that kind of attention for what it is, attention, but the questions about it have gotten a bit out of hand. I was asked no less than probably 80 times today who my crush was on or if it was on them. Let me explain here that I have my crush on someone right now that I do have an actual “crush” on and he knows who he is. Now let me explain why I chose him, ok follow me here it’ll make sense eventually I promise. I chose someone that I actually do like, not someone I just find attractive, or just want to fuck. I chose someone who can carry on an intelligent conversation with me without it being all sexual. I chose someone who I felt an instant connection with the first time we spoke. I chose someone who understands me on a different level, who sees things in many of the same ways that I do. I chose someone who accepts me for who I am and not how he thinks I will be in a few weeks. I chose someone who likes me for me and not what I may do to him. I chose someone that I am interested in on many various levels. I chose someone that I am not only smitten with but also enraptured with. He accused me tonight of being too bashful to tell him over the phone that I like him, but fear is not what it boils down to. In the end it comes down to the fact that I do not know how to explain it to him without making myself sound like some sort of crazed lunatic. I’m not sure it is possible to explain a connection such as I feel without sounding like I’m in love with him and all that crazy shit. That’s not it at all. I guess I could try to express myself more articulately to him . . . Yeah maybe tomorrow I will do that. I owe him that huh? I owe him honesty at any rate. So, please quit asking me who my crush is or I will be forced to send you to talk with him and trust me that isn’t something that you’d enjoy . . . Hehehe.

I was sitting here after a long night at work tonight and thinking about the people I have met since I acquired my account on here. I thought the most I guess about one guy in general and what happened between the two of us . . . it was my closure I think. I met this guy and I let myself open up to him more than I should have. I talked to him every night for months on end. I believed every word he told me. I felt for him when I had no real business doing so. Then, I lost him, I really never speak to him any more. He will say hello once in a while and that is it, not sure what the problem is. Here is what I was thinking though, since I need to let it go to move on . . . that is what I am doing for good now. I would have done anything for this man honestly, there were strong emotions involved and I have no idea how in the hell that happened honestly, but it did. This went on for months on end, talking all the time, endless thoughts of him, and listening to him tell me the same things . . . and I wanted so badly to hear them that I believed them. I would have done anything in my power to get to him or get him here to me . . . but as I said I lost him. I am not sure exactly what happened btween the two of us, it just happened. He found someone else to tell all of the things that he once told me. He now tells her how he dreams of her and can't wait until he is with her holding her, how she is the most beautiful girl he has ever seen, how she is absolute perfection to him, and she is who he was meant to be with, how he loves her. IT was a very short time ago though that he was telling me those exact same things and I loved to hear them and wanted to believe them. I wanted to believe that I was that special to someone, that someone could see me that way . . . but I do know better, not only now, then as well but I just wanted to live in the moment and see thigns how I waned htem to be. So, anyhow, he moved on and has found s new woman to make him happy and I am here resigning myself to the fact that I let myelf feel when I never should have. I was hurt by the things he said to me for a little while. I was hurt the way he just dropped talking to me once he found her after all I tried to do for him. I did anything he asked of me, not because he asked but because I wanted him to be happy, him being happy made me happy. I Let myself get hurt by the words and actions of someone that I never should have even had any feelings for whatsoever. I take the blame compeltely and always have, don't blame him for a thing . . . all he did was tell me what I wanted to hear and that is no crime. Anyway, I've let it all go now. It doesn't bother me at all to know he is loving someone else. In all complete honesty I am happy that he found someone that he thinks can make him happy. I'm not real sure I believe that she will make him happy because he has many many things in his life that need to be addressed before any woman can make him happy; but I sure hope they are at the very least content with one another. He knows I will be here as a friend for him if he ever needs me for anything and I can only hope that the woman that he loves understands that. So, now I am moving on and ready to find someone else I guess . . . ok not really. I wasn't looking for anyone when I found him, but I am not looking now at all. I am letting things in life occur as they will and take life one day and one person at a time. I have met many people on here as I said, and met a few that mean a great deal to me and they know who they are. There are a few men on here that I would not trade anything in life for, I Love them very much. I can tell them anything wihtout fear of judegment or alienation . . . I have a great deal of respect for them and feel teh same from them. These are the people I want now . . . I would give 10 relationships like I had for a few of the ones that I treasure - if that makes any sense. Damn, ok done rambling since my pain medication is kicking in - it was a logn rough and painful night at work tonight so I need to back away from the keyboard . . . good night all

** Ok folks I wrote this a year ago, it was my carthesis really, the epitome of all I was feeling at that time, and well many other times as well . . . I wanted to put it on here becasue it is a part of who I am and what I am working through - so please I am not looking for pity, sympathy, nothing, I only wish to share this with those who care about me and they know who they are ** Dear Daddy, Do you know where you are? Do you know what youve done? Does it bother you to know how much pain you have caused? Did you cry when I couldnt? Did you cry when I finally could? Did you even think about me? Do you know how I feel? How I hurt? How I long to have you here? How my memories are lost and cant be found? How I cry and cant be consoled? How I hate and cant be calmed? How I cant trust and suffer? Do you care? When was the last time you saw me? Twenty long years ago as I walked out the door expecting to see you again in a couple of hours. You knew that was a lie, you knew youd never see me again and still you did it. You sat there in that house alone with only thoughts of what you wanted, nothing in your mind about what your actions would do to me. You pulled out that gun and squeezed the trigger with no remorse what-so-ever. No looking back. No love for anyone else. Only the selfish thought that you would be better, that your pain would end. No thought as to the beginning of my pain. You lived a life of twenty-eight years, how many were really filled with pain and sadness? I too have lived twenty-eight years, twenty of mine filled with endless pain, sadness, and longing. Who caused your pain, your sadness, the thoughts that haunted you at night? You! You caused your own hell, then turned and walked away from it all leaving it for me. You left everything you wanted to get away from for me to suffer with the rest of my life. You ruined my life with one bullet that ended yours. Does that seem fair to you? I did learn from you though. I learned that I am not the coward that you were. I learned that I can survive through things worse than you ever dreamed that you went through. I have learned that there is nothing in this life that I cant overcome, or at least make it through. I learned that there is nothing in the world more precious to me than my child and nothing on earth would ever make me even consider leaving him to suffer through his life alone. Did you ever think about that? Did you care what or who cared for us after you were gone? Did you really think that our mother would do it? You knew damn good and well that she was not capable of caring fro children, but you just didnt care that much. You didnt care that we would live a life of pain, poverty, and unexplained evils. It never occurred to you that we would live a life no child should ever have to live. Or maybe it did, maybe you just figured you wouldnt have to suffer so it didnt matter if we did. How fatherly of you. There are no words, no real words to describe to you the horrors that you caused in my life. No words strong enough to express the blame and guilt that you should bear. Does it bother you to know that I can never have the happily ever after that everyone deserves to have? More than that does it bother you to know that you are to blame for that? That I cant have that endless love from another person, or that I cant give that type of love to another person all because of one selfish moment you experienced twenty years ago? What do I have? Nothing. No memories. No happiness. No hope of either. No father. No you. I hope that you are happy with all that you have created for me . . . Dear daddy.

** This is again unfinshed ** The river of tears that pours through my heart Was cried for only you The looks you used to give me The words youd call me to say Painful memories of another time Another place Another me Another you The you that made the promises The me that believed your lies The hurt that will never go away The wounds that will never heal The tears that will never stop The you that I cant help but love The me that loves to hate The tears that no longer bind The tears that scar The heart That can no longer care

** This is unfinshed and all that so eh whatever ** How I want to kill you Just to get you of my mind The suffering you have put me through I want to end it all The words Ive heard a thousand times Ill never hurt you again Force fed to me as if through a straw My heart no longer beats for you My eyes no longer cry for you My mind screams out against you FUCK YOU I just want to kill you Get you off my mind

To Whom It May Concern There are so many things left unsaid between us. So many things ignored. I cant keep doing this to myself. I cant keep doing this. I need to clear my heart and my mind. I need to confess. I know you think I lied and hurt you on purpose, devised some evil plan. You think I wanted to keep you. Honey I never had you, you were never mine to keep. How could I have ever lost something that wasnt mine to lose? So here is my confession. I did lie to you. Yet, more than lying to you I lied to myself. I hurt you yes, but I hurt me more. I told you that you couldnt hurt me when in the end you did. I never expected to care what you thought or said. I never expected to care about you at all. I never planned it that way. I felt myself being drawn to you. I found myself thinking about you more and more and I didnt know how to make it stop. I didnt want it to stop. It was comforting to think of you. I had found myself in a position that I couldnt handle. I was falling for someone that I shouldnt, couldnt fall for. There was no hope for the two of us, things were too complex . . . Too unknown. I fought the feeling, I kept it hidden . . . Even from myself. I saw no reason to fight and make things worse. I just told myself that my mind was preoccupied and there were no feelings for you. I never mentioned it to you, how could I? I lied to myself and hurt myself much more than I did you. I knew things were over between us, yet I still kept my silence. I never came clean, I never let you know, I never confessed. There was no trust there, nothing to base anything upon, no foundation for anything . . . It was just a lesson learned. I opened my eyes, I suffered, I moved on. So, that is my confession to you whoever you are.

Broken (the formatting of this would not show up correctly, so here are the words at least just not the way they are meant to look) The Pain And Sorrow Flows As Freely Through My Life As Tears From My Eyes Drowning All Hopes And Dreams As If They Are So Easily Replaced Once Theyre Gone Leaving Nothing Only The Shattered And Broken Remains Of What Was Once Known As Me

Look my last blog was abotu my life ok - no one else's life - someone elses's problem brought me to a point where I needed to let out some shit about my life. MINE - those are my experiences no one elses, my thoughts no one elses, my words no one elses. I did not write it to offend people I wrote it to feel better in my own mind and try to give someone a look into the mind of someone who has been hurt in life . . . someone who hasn't been sheltered away by the love of family and all that. These blogs are mine and arenot meant to upset anyone. I talk about what affects me - I do not try to make myself a part of something I am not I do try to help people - which I am now seeing must fucking stop. I can't help those who do not want to be helped and I am tired of being used in situations that I am not a part of but only try to give my opinions on. I never get the entire truth so therefore I am done with helping others . . . If you continue to read the blogs that puts you at fault then . . . not me. If you read them you do so of your won free will and I will not listen to you complain to me about what youread or thought you read. I hope that is now understood.

Do you ever wonder about the people that never seem to care about others? Yeah I didn’t either until here recently, then today I started on some sort of tirade while talking to someone for this very thing. I promised a blog which addressed what I was talking about since I was getting more and more angry the more I talked about it earlier. So here are my thoughts on the subject, which I freely admit before you begin reading this is unorganized and rambling - I have decided to just write it as it flows not to worry about anything else. Rejoice people now you can see my wicked little thought process - lol. I have noticed that the more I talk to people the more that I see the true lack of compassion that individuals have for one another.. They will trample and stomp upon anyone to get what they think that they deserve, what they feel they have earned so to speak. I am not saying that I do not do this because I do to an extent but not the way that I have observed here as of late. I will go after what I want and not let anyone stop me, of course I also do not go out of my way to make someone suffer. I do honestly think about the person I am hurting or whatever as I am making my way toward what I desire. That is the big difference I think, the people I have talked to recently just do not even care to stop and think about what they are doing or who they are hurting - unfortunately I seem to actually have a heart. Most of these people are hurting the ones that they claim to love and cherish, I think that is a bunch of bullshit personally. Yeah, I am aware that we always hurt the ones we love, but it is usually done intentionally and without malice. The people I have spoken to lately don’t seem to honestly care for the people that they claim to care for or else they would not be talking to me about what they have done, they would be talking to the one that they hurt. Yes, I know that we always hurt the ones we love blah blah blah. Which yes I know but that only applies when you really do love the person and not only what you can get from that person. Yeah love is not about taking what you can get and then walking away, or about seeing how far you can push someone, or about trying to make them do this or that. These people need to realize that when you love someone you do so because of that person - not what they can or can not do for you or how far they are willing to push things for you . . . You love them for who they are and nothing more. The people who learn the secrets of others then use that knowledge to their own advantage make me sick honestly. When someone trusts you with some piece of knowledge about them you should cherish that for what it is, a piece of that person. They have felt something for you and in turn shared a part of their life with you, usually a painful part even . . . And when you take that knowledge and capitalize upon it for your own personal gain it disgusts me. You love that person yet you take advantage of their weaknesses? Doesn’t sound like love to me does it to you? I know many things about many people and things that I could easily expose and torment with at that - but even though I don’t even necessarily care for the people I do have plain human compassion and chose to keep that trust. The fact is that if I use that information then I would feel horrible about myself - I don’t care to capitalize upon the pain of others. The people that do truly disturb me. How can you take a painful event in someone’s life, a life altering event, which you know shaped that entire person’s life and then recreate those emotions in that person? That would be like someone learning all of my deepest secrets and then setting up scenarios in life that recreated those moments . . . I could never forgive anyone who would purposefully do that to me. I could never imagine even being able to face that person again. I’m sure there are people that could forgive something like that - but why would you want to? Why would you want to give that person the chance to do the same thing again? I know this boils down to my own trust issues in the end but the truth is there is no way that it can’t. Once you’ve given such a large part of you and had that trust shattered there is no getting that back - In my mind at least. It boils down to in the end that you never know how your actions are going to truly affect another. That small reminder of something or other that you have done may be enough to push that person beyond their threshold. That may be the one thing that breaks them completely. Would you want to be the one responsible for that? I wouldn’t. So why do people do that? Why do they take information entrusted to them in full confidence and use it to their advantage? I guess I just will never understand that, I will never be that heartless I guess. I admit that I am unfeeling most times and can be quite calculating when I want to be, but I am not heartless. I do not enjoy hurting those I care for, I would rather take the pain myself. . . Come to think of it that is the way I see love in a way I guess. You don’t want to hurt people, you want to take away the pain, you suffer so that person doesn’t have to. When given the chance to either hurt someone and get what you want if you love them then you keep quiet and accept the pain yourself. What is so hard to understand about that? If you love them you do not intentionally hurt them, especially for some cheap physical pleasure. That to me is the ultimate disrespect to a woman who has been hurt in her life - you gain her trust - then when the moment is right for you to get what you want - you move in and make her relive all the pain of the past - and why? Because you can’t be so close to her, comforting her without having to fuck her . . . Very sad indeed isn’t it? I lose all respect for people really when I hear they have done such things. Let me tell you something ok, I have been in what I consider to be true love once in my life - other forms of love more often - but true I would do anything for that person love once. I never wanted to hurt him, I wanted to do everything I could to take away his pain. I sat many many nights with his head on my lap running my fingers through his hair while he confessed his pains to me. I never once thought about hurting him, or taking advantage of him - I felt bad that he felt bad. Rather than make some cheap move toward physical satisfaction I sat and felt his pain with him - I never could have ever dreamed of hurting him more. Then as much as I loved him when he chose to leave rather than go with him and hold him back I let him go. I said my goodbye and wished him well and told him to let me know how everything turned out for him. Yes it killed me inside to let him go - to encourage him to go - but the fact was his dreams couldn’t be achieved here and he needed to go away to get there. No, his dream never came to fruition but he is happy doing what he is doing. He is no longer miserable and staying that way. I loved him enough to let him be who he wanted to be, do what he felt he had to do . . . I still love him and always will I am sure - but never will I ever hurt him. Are you seeing the difference there? The striking difference between what you do when you really love someone as compared to what you do when you are merely infatuated with someone? Yeah infatuation is confusing and can feel like love - but in the end once you get what you want it is all over - love never ends. Think about it, it’ll make sense in time. I wrote this as a way to let someone see the way that his actions can affect someone else and to open up his mind about when he is really do versus what he thinks he is doing. I’m hoping that he will now see that he has convinced himself that he is the one that is being hurt in the situation when in fact it is just his mind blocking out the other side of the story. He has convinced himself of something and can’t seem to be swayed, hopefully this will at least give him pause. Perhaps he won’t open his eyes completely but maybe he will open one and see the partial truth to what I say. To the rest of you who read this - sorry but there was a point hidden in there and sorry that you had to endure my rambling - maybe you got more insight into the mind of this wicked lil girl though.

**** This was written fro my Myspace blog but thought I may as well post it here as well **** So if I can get over this fucking constant pain that I have been in for what 2 weeks now I would be so damn happy. But I am not here to complain about my pain and discomfort because all in all I am dealing with that pretty well. I am still going to work, just not doing anything extra. I am not bitching as much as I could by a long shit, yeah I am a little more bitchy than usual to the guys at work and I kinda (very little) feel bad for it but I could be much much worse all things considered. Anyway, I want to just ramble cause I am on Vicodin and my mind is racing since I can’t sleep and all that. So, what is it about blondes? Why are men so fucking attracted to blondes? I make fun of the guys at work about this all the time, but I am aware of the fact that it is not just them. It is like some fucking epidemic. I am not picking on blondes since some of my greatest friends are blondes I just don’t understand what it is. Here is my theory and oh yes this is going to be on and on so either stop now or be prepared: We are taught from very very early on in life that beauty is set in stone - that you have to be this to be considered beautiful. Now this is generally blonde and tall and very thin with little curve to your body or if there is curve then it better only be your chest and nothing else. This is shoved down our throats from the time we can see beyond our own hands. Take a look at the things that we seen on television from the time we were very small. This is where I could bitch about things such as Barbie and how she perpetuates this unreal idea. But, I am not even going to do that, it has been done to death. I’m just going to ask you to think about why we buy into that idea just because Mattel tells us to. When did we become so weak minded that we became so easy for these large corporations to just say “alright here is what beauty is and here is what you will strive to be” ? Why do we allow that? Why do we strive for that? Why do we want to be that? Why do we want to be what someone else considers beautiful? Why do we not want to be what we consider beautiful? Do any of you remember watching the Miss America contest when you were younger and thinking that the prettiest girls never seemed to win? It was always some blonde haired woman that had a fake smile, an even faker voice, and yet if possible an even more fake personality. There was the occasional brunette that one I’m not saying they were all blonde, but how many were? Yeah I am not looking up statistics but I’m sure more were blonde than any other hair color. Do you remember seeing celebrities get thinner and more plastic than flesh as you grew up? Do you remember when people were content with the way they looked . . . Yeah me either. But what is nagging me is why is that? Why can we not see ourselves as beautiful as we are? Why do we think that we have to be the same as the Playboy centerfold to be beautiful? Ya know what - I’d rather look like a Suicide Girl than a Playboy model any day. These are gorgeous women who love their bodies as they are, embrace their differences and enhance them. They have tattoos and piercing and look amazing with them. I would rather be real and beautiful than fake and lusted after, how about you? You guys want to know the truth? Of all the friends I have and all the women I know, it isn’t the thin blondes that are the most beautiful. I’m not saying they aren’t because they are - I can find beauty in almost anyone - but based upon looks alone they are not the most beautiful. This one is simple, ask any of the men I work with and they will tell you the prettiest girls who work for Morrow County are Lindi, who yes is a blonde and Judy, who is far from a blonde. I hear all the time how gorgeous Judy is, and I know this. She knows I think she is beautiful (she also knows it’s not just the physical that makes me think this though). However, these people do not know her as I do so they are only judging on the physical and yes she does have the physical beauty to get that attention - generally well proportioned body, big dark brown eyes, and pretty olive colored skin. She is not stick thin and has not been since I have known her, she is not afraid to eat let me tell you - and she is not afraid to get out there an look stupid. She is real, that is why I am talking about her - she breaks that societal mold and others can see that. I have one friend who all of her life has tried and tried to be what society considers beautiful and trendy. She is a blonde so she thought she had to be stick thin and was always complaining that she is too short and too fat - never once seeing that she was always beautiful and just never tried to find that beauty. I haven’t spoken to her in a while but I hear that she has finally settled into a life where she is herself, not what others want her to be and I am sure that she is more beautiful now than she has ever been. Here is the way I see it, we are all, every one of us beautiful in some way. It’s up to each of us to find that beauty though. I used to hate my appearance, hate my height, hate my weight, hate everything about me . . . But I am not longer uncomfortable with myself. I have come to terms with who I am and what potential I have. I will never be that size 7 again, and I am not sure that I want to be. Yes, I do wish to lose the weight I have put on the last few months, but it will come off. I am no longer uncomfortable with my appearance in general . . . I don’t look at myself and see an ugly face staring back at me anymore. As a matter of fact I have looked at myself when made up to go out and thought, yes Jess, you look pretty good tonight. I realize that there are people who have never and more than likely will never see me like that. There are people who only see me when I go to work and no I do not try to look good when I go to work - I wear navy blue all day and my hair is pulled up and I have no makeup on . . . I look 100% different when I go out. I think the people who only see me at work would look at me when dressed up and think - damn can’t be the same person - because I do look that much different and that much better! But it’s all about comfort with yourself, letting go of what society pushes you to be and being what you want to be. I am no longer pushing myself to be what someone else wants me to be and I am happy. I am confident in myself and everything I do - and see no reason why I shouldn’t be. I no longer care what others think of me, what I do, or the decisions I make - they are mine and they affect me - not them. If they want to feel bad about themselves because they will never be six foot tall, or weigh 110 pounds then they can do that - I just never will be that again. I am a big girl, gonna stay that way and tell those who don’t like it to fuck off - I am happy! I wish you all the strength and positivity to find that within yourselves as well. Say fuck society and their only thin blondes can be beautiful attitude - be who you are and be proud of it. Someone will find that alone beautiful and if you can’t find something beautiful about yourself come find me and I will help you.