** Ok folks I wrote this a year ago, it was my carthesis really, the epitome of all I was feeling at that time, and well many other times as well . . . I wanted to put it on here becasue it is a part of who I am and what I am working through - so please I am not looking for pity, sympathy, nothing, I only wish to share this with those who care about me and they know who they are **
Dear Daddy,
Do you know where you are? Do you know what youve done? Does it bother you to know how much pain you have caused? Did you cry when I couldnt? Did you cry when I finally could? Did you even think about me?
Do you know how I feel? How I hurt? How I long to have you here? How my memories are lost and cant be found? How I cry and cant be consoled? How I hate and cant be calmed? How I cant trust and suffer? Do you care?
When was the last time you saw me? Twenty long years ago as I walked out the door expecting to see you again in a couple of hours. You knew that was a lie, you knew youd never see me again and still you did it. You sat there in that house alone with only thoughts of what you wanted, nothing in your mind about what your actions would do to me. You pulled out that gun and squeezed the trigger with no remorse what-so-ever. No looking back. No love for anyone else. Only the selfish thought that you would be better, that your pain would end. No thought as to the beginning of my pain.
You lived a life of twenty-eight years, how many were really filled with pain and sadness? I too have lived twenty-eight years, twenty of mine filled with endless pain, sadness, and longing. Who caused your pain, your sadness, the thoughts that haunted you at night? You! You caused your own hell, then turned and walked away from it all leaving it for me. You left everything you wanted to get away from for me to suffer with the rest of my life. You ruined my life with one bullet that ended yours. Does that seem fair to you?
I did learn from you though. I learned that I am not the coward that you were. I learned that I can survive through things worse than you ever dreamed that you went through. I have learned that there is nothing in this life that I cant overcome, or at least make it through. I learned that there is nothing in the world more precious to me than my child and nothing on earth would ever make me even consider leaving him to suffer through his life alone. Did you ever think about that? Did you care what or who cared for us after you were gone?
Did you really think that our mother would do it? You knew damn good and well that she was not capable of caring fro children, but you just didnt care that much. You didnt care that we would live a life of pain, poverty, and unexplained evils. It never occurred to you that we would live a life no child should ever have to live. Or maybe it did, maybe you just figured you wouldnt have to suffer so it didnt matter if we did. How fatherly of you.
There are no words, no real words to describe to you the horrors that you caused in my life. No words strong enough to express the blame and guilt that you should bear. Does it bother you to know that I can never have the happily ever after that everyone deserves to have? More than that does it bother you to know that you are to blame for that? That I cant have that endless love from another person, or that I cant give that type of love to another person all because of one selfish moment you experienced twenty years ago?
What do I have? Nothing. No memories. No happiness. No hope of either. No father. No you. I hope that you are happy with all that you have created for me . . . Dear daddy.
