Why is it so hard to see someone you once loved so happy with someone else? You no longer want that person yet you find yourself aching when you know how happy they are without you. Why does that hurt so badly? Is it just a human emotion, is it normal?
A few months ago there was a man I would have given anything to be with. I let myself open up to him only for him to decide that I was not what he wanted, that I could not make him happy, that I could not change enough to suit him. I took all that in stride; I sucked it up and moved on. I am still friends with him because I do care about him and want to see him happy . . . But now that he is I am finding it a little more difficult than I imagined. How childish is that huh? Am I that horrible really? I swear I am happy for him it just stings that he is so happy with someone else, that he is actually doing all the things with her that he was going to do with me . . . Stupidity sheer stupidity in my part I know.
It’s like I know that what I am feeling is not jealousy because I have been jealous and this is not it . . . This is more an emptiness I think. I guess because he moved on to someone, who he apparently had before I gave him the excuse to walk away from me and I moved on to nothing. I am alone in this hell of a life I am living right now and he is happy as he can be starting a new life with the woman of his dreams . . . His epitome of perfection. I sound bitter . . . I’m not bitter though, like I said just empty and maybe feeling a little self pity which makes me feel even worse . . . Oh good lord.
Maybe it is just the fact that he so easily found someone else who he could not only love but could love him in return and I can’t find someone to fulfill both for me. Maybe I am just feeling pathetic at the moment. Maybe it is just the lack of sleep and increase in stress making me act and think in ways that I normally does not think. Oh anyway I need to stop thinking about it and just finish painting my nails and go to fucking bed. Yeah that is what I will do . . .
