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What are you waiting for?
I keep waiting for things to get better. And waiting, and waiting, and waiting... I keep waiting for these feelings to fade away. 44 years. I've lived with myself for 44 years and can't ever remember feeling this emotionally and physically torn down. I have been through so much in my time on this earth and yet this is what I am going to let finally break me down.
I've have just now had a thought while writing this. When I was 21 I met a guy named Robert in a bar. I know, big surprise there. I guess the surprise is that he didn't buy me a beer, he bought me a hot chocolate. :) This guy was everything I didn't like in a guy. He was tall and skinny (don't mind tall being 5'9" myself), had a beard and drove a pickup truck. Plus he was 32 at the time. He was so totally not my type at all and yet him and I were just drawn to each other. No one wanted us together and that was fine by us. Oh my God did we fight. We were both so stubborn and hard headed that everything was a challenge. We couldn't stay together but we couldn't stay apart either. About a year into our relationship he was diagnosed with diabetes and had to take insulin. We lived in a townhouse where we also had custody of his two children. His ex-wife who didn't like me (she considered me bleach blonde bimbo, which she proceeded to write on my car) decided to make things difficult and take him to court so that I couldn't be around his kids. There was an easy solution to that problem that she probably hadn't even bothered to consider. We got married. Can't say we did it for the right reason but I do not regret it. I loved him, he loved me...I had no doubt about that. But being stubborn we butted heads and ended up separating. I moved in with a lady friend of mine from work. Robert and I were still going to see each other but when he stood me up to go to the circus I got mad and went out. I met a nice guy and him and I started going out. Robert was nice enough to have divorce papers served to me on my birthday. We ended up divorced only to find out later that all I would have had to do was tell him that I didn't want a divorce and he wouldn't have gone through with it. Pride gets in the way of a lot of things. 3 years later him and I are back together for a little while. It's weird how that happened. I had just gotten back from a birthday party at which I had gotten quite drunk. I still can't drink Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum because of that night. The guy that I was living with was really freaking me out and scaring me. Violence was not unfamilar in our relationship and he was in some kind of strange mood that left me feeling uneasy. I drove up to the grocery store at the end of the street (and no I shouldn't have been driving), called information and got Robert's new phone number. I hadn't spoken to him in years. He answers the phone and tells me that he will send a cab for me but I proceed to drive myself over. I got there and it was like we were never apart. I never went back to my old place. What I didn't know was that he had been seeing a girl named Shelby for a few years. She called him while I was there and he ended things with her right then. When she asked why he put me on the phone. All I had to do is tell her my name and she understood. This was a man who made no secret of his feelings for me. For 10+ years Robert and I did the off and on relationship. I always knew that no matter what happened in my life there was one person who would always have my back and be there for me....until...I got a phone call from my step-daughter to let me know that he was in the hospital. Complications from his diabetes. He was in a coma. I was remarried at this point but I still went to the hospital to see him. My husband understood. He ended up being taken off life support and passing away. My heart broke and I felt so guilty. If I had been with him he would have taken care of himself. That was my thinking. It is believed by his family that he committed suicide.
I understand this now. When I was 40 I was diagnosed with diabetes. I know that I will have to take insulin shots every day for the rest of my life. I also fell in love again in 2012. I spent 2+ years living with him. It was a strange relationship in that it was really one-sided for the most part. There were times when he told me he loved me but that was lies. Even though it wasn't a two-sided love affair he was great to me. He became my best friend and someone who believed in me. He is such a major part of my life that now that he is no longer in it my life seems empty and hollow. He is still my friend but now I am like a dirty little secret from his girlfriend. Thats where he went by the way...back to his ex. I was alone when I met him but I wasn't lonely. Now that I am alone again I feel like the lonliest person in the world. This is where I finally understand Robert. What reason do I have to take care of myself. So I can just feel this pain day after miserable day? Why not just let nature takes its course? I can sit back and do nothing. Then I can just be another statistic...another complication of diabetes. My family won't feel like they've failed me because they definitately haven't. And I don't have to continue on with this miserable exsistance of mine. I keep telling myself that he will be back. That what he thought he wanted isn't what he wants and he will realize it now that he has it. I know that's not true. He feels about her like I feel about him, not that I think either of them deserve it. He's not coming back.
There's a poem by Sid Vicious in a book written by Nancy Spungen's mother that Sid wrote for Nancy after her death...all though it's written by a guy for a girl the sentiment sums up my feelings right now.
