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What are you waiting for?
What do you do when the tears just keep coming? They stop as long as I am not thinking but I haven't figured out how to shut my brain off. I don't drink (much). I don't do drugs. I don't even smoke cigarettes anymore. I have no artificial distractions left. No quick easy feel-goods. I actually went to a party last night. Why? Because I just wanted to be around other people. When it came time to leave for the party I decided I didn't want to go but I went anyway. I'm glad I did. Today I went out with an old friend. At least I am not just sitting around my place waiting for things to happen. That's a lie...for the most part I am just sitting around dwelling on what I can't have anymore. All I have to do is think about him and my heart breaks and the tears fall out of my eyes.
Am I an awful person because as much as I want him to be happy, I want him to be happy with me. How long is it going to take for him to realize that him and I belong together?
I told him today on the phone that he had to respect the fact that I never gave up on us even though I know he would like me to. I told him I can't give up because the day that I give up is the day I have no reason to keep hoping. And what is life worth without hope?
