Things about my Dad... Blog by sweet tart
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I never thought I would be alive 5 years after my father's death. I truly didn't...but I am. I just knew I would die of heartbreak.....BUT I DIDN'T!

 

Why didn't I? I had longed and wished for it, for so long.

It couldn't be that I am stronger than I believe....JFC! That would mean I have some sort of backbone. WTF? I guess he taught me more than to make people laugh.

Cheers! My Daddio....you are sooooooo missed and loved more than ANYTHING.


OMG!

I allowed the wonderful image of my father slip from me.

I am sorry my precious Daddio!

I still mourn and miss you so terribly.

I love you with all that I am.

Always Daddy's little girl......

Happy Father's Day!

I suppose I will do this every year I am on the Fu...

I miss you Daddio!

Been 4 years and I find it funny that it seems more like forever and yet feels like it was yesterday when I heard the news.

*sighs*

Not quite as sad as I was before....I still cry! But I do laugh more thinking of funny things.

Forever Daddio's baby girl!


3

It's so hard for me to believe it has been 3 years since my father passed. Some days it feels like I just heard the news. And some days I still expect him to walk through my front door.
I talk to him all the time and I know it isn't believable for some but he calls my name. I hear it often and yes...often I am sober when I hear it! LOL
When I was younger, sometimes I would think about one of my parents dying...and wonder how could I live without them? I just knew I would die when my Dad did. I always thought that even as a child.
 LOOK!!!
I didn't die. Imagine that!!!
I wanted to. I wouldn't have done anything to myself but there were MANY days I remained curled up in my bed and wished for it. The pain was too much (I thought at the time). The pain still haunts me at times, but I no longer wish for death. I guess the meds help that too. When you are forced to go to the doctor for happy pills, you know you are in a funk! LOL! 
I have no shame in blogging this. It is what I went through (sometimes still do) and it is real.
I still miss him daily and think of him all the time. What an amazing man he was in my eyes. Of course being the baby of the family I was spoiled rotten by him and everyone else. *grins*
I still have to follow through with one of his wishes but I can't just yet. He loved my gardens and was so proud of me and them, even helped me pay for some of it. That may be why my yard has been neglected for 3 years...I had no interest. There was no reason anymore. Though only weeks before his death he asked that some of his ashes be spread in the back garden. And I shall, though not sure when. Should it be on an anniversary of his death? His birthday? Some random day?
I don't know the answer...I only know it isn't going to happen just yet. I'm not quite ready. And anyway, that part of the garden WILL be and MUST be perfect and beautiful! My brothers and sister say they do not want to be here...and that's ok. I think I would rather be alone anyway.
I found it quite curious that he would speak of his wishes....pay off all credit cards...and a few other small things while telling us, all was well. Did he? Could he possibly know weeks in advance that he would pass soon? He would bring it up often just before he died. I couldn't talk about it. I would say "Dad please don't talk about dying." he would always say "Baby, we have to." But I couldn't...I wouldn't. The thought of losing him was too painful.
I know I'm not the only person to lose a loved one and certainly not the only person saddened by my own father's death.  He was adored by many! But this is how I get through it.
 
I know only the truest of my friends will read this.
No one really cares. But I do this for me......I have to...or this girl will go insane......wait.....TOOOOOOO LATE!!!!!!!!!!! LOL
 
I love and miss you my Daddio.....I always will.
 

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My goodbyes

Saliva

 

 

Hey precious daddy can you hear me now? From the lost and found although your six feet underground. In the mirror, I can see your face just another trace of all the tragedy you passed down. There are times when I can hear your voice, it’s just like my voice and it still haunts me when you come around. I feel like I wasted time when I didn’t have you on my mind. I feel like I’m all alone, how could I have known you would leave me here alive. Oh my God, how did I make it this far? Why can’t I be where your are? My God I think I’m dying. Precious daddy can you hold my hand like you did back then? Can you forgive me of all my sins? Come to me and take this pain away cause its all I see. It would be heavenly to see you again. I feel like I wasted time when I didn’t have you on my mind. I feel like I’m all alone. How could I have known you would leave my side. It all was so simple then when it all began, and I was your smile. And now you’re just words in stone, you’re just dust and bones and I’ll join you there in time. Oh my God, how did I make it this far? Why can’t I be where you are? My God I think I’m dying. Oh my God why can’t you take it away or give me just one more day of just apologizing. How could you take him from me? Its like you spit in my face. I’ve got his grandson to raise, with no grandfather to say. Don’t let him end up like me cause he’ll be down on his knees, asking you where could I be. I wonder what you would say? I feel like I wasted time when I didn’t have you on my mind. I feel like I’m all alone. How could I have known you would leave my side. It all was so simple then when it all began, and I was your smile. And now you’re just words in stone, you’re just dust and bones, and I’ll join you there in time. Oh my God, how did I make it this far? Why can’t I be where you are? Oh my God I think I’m dying. Oh my God why can’t you take it away or give me just one more day of just apologizing.

Good lord...does it ever go away?

Missing my Dad....things reminding me all the time. Funny shit that none of you care about...that's ok, this helps me, the writing does....I really don't care if anyone ever reads this...I will read it, I will remember and it helps me heal if that is truly possible.

My brother and I were talking of one particular thing many many years ago at a funeral...small town in Ga. We were talking to an elderly woman, (at the time, she was in her 70's. Shit! 20 years ago!) my Dad told her she looked wonderful and mentioned something about her hair (my father the charmer!)....the wind was blowing hard that day. She said "Well it's getting a good blow job!" OMG!!!!!! I thought me and my brother would lose it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We had to walk away we were laughing so hard....not my Dad...he was so fucking cool! After he was through talking to her, he walked over to us and said, quite calmly but we knew he wanted to laugh with us, "What are y'all laughing about? The woman and the blow job?"

Which of course made us lose it again!!!! My Dad was so funny and so cool!!! I miss him terribly!

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