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sweet tart's blog: "Just some stuff I write..."

created on 10/22/2009  |  http://fubar.com/just-some-stuff-i-write/b315227  |  2 followers

Taking time to improve my personal life. I adore my online friends, but it is just time to focus on me and mine. Too many bad things have happened in the past few years. Time to get good KARMA back! Too many deaths in family and friends, fire in my Nikki's home and she has a new baby, health issues throughout the family...including myself. I'm not doing things right, evidently. So much has been happening, it's too much to admit and write about. So I will not. My phone is fucked...my computer is giving me trouble...so, I am giving up for while. Anyway, I have a new rescued baby to deal with. A mini dachshund pup that would have been euthanized. I hate that shit! I may end up being a crazy dog lady! 

BD, I'm so happy you are back! I love you and you know it!

I must take some time to get myself healthy and aligned. My hormones are killing me! I ask for time and patience, because I am sure I will be back.

Sweet Tart kisses and lovin,

Kelly

To my real life family who will never read this here...
I have had inspiration from a place I never expected. A Tyler Perry movie...first I've ever watched. It reminded me of the trials my own family has had, but also the strength and stubbornness WE all have. Our own mother/grandmother/great grandmother has the strength of no one I have ever known. Giving more to those in need even if some of us disagree. If we were needed as much...she would be there! I know there will be arguments....but YOU are not our mother! Giving all she can!!!
  
Maybe some of us should speak up a little more! She would be there and help as much as she possibly could. I, myself, have said..."if it was so and so....." but I also know, if it were me, she would do everything she could, but I tend to stay silent like a few others. And she has been there for me, for us, Jeffy and myself, so speak up! Even for words of encouragement, wisdom or just kindness and an ear...she is there!!!
 
I am at a point in my life that I truly do not care who I piss off! But I know my family is important to me.
 
I had an amazing time with my sister, nieces, great nephews and great nieces in Hotlanta. It was too brief and I honestly hated to leave before dinner...but, another niece was having a baby...or so we thought. And now, she is back in the hospital and I am not there. Breaks my cold heart. I love my family....sometimes it is hard for me to show.
 
 I was there for some of my older nieces...I hate that I am not more in the lives of the BEAUTIFUL children they have born. That is something that hurts me daily.
 
But we all need to accept the beauty and ugliness that WE ALL BEAR!
 
For our mother's sake...can we get together without fighting or harsh words? If that means without our "significant others", then so be it!!!! It is important to me and our mother (she thinks it will never happen again), the only woman who supports and loves us unconditionally! And she truly does! Children, grandchildren, great grandchildren. I would rather it be the entire family...but we can't seem to agree on the saints and sinners....sometimes the saints are right...but, guess what? Sometimes the sinners are as well. Let's put it  all aside and be there for the one that gave us the lives we choose. And we have chosen. Accept everyone...I think WE ALL believe in that.
 
Our mother deserves the best. I'm willing to give...are you?
 
My love to ALL of my family,
Kelly

As my status suggested, over a week ago, the niece I raised had a beautiful baby boy on May 16th. Not an easy birth, by any means. Ended up being a C-section after about 24 hrs. of induced labor.

I came home only to be sick as hell...with my insane 14 year old lab/chow mix, which anyone who knows me, knows he is the love of my life. He has scarred his beautiful face trying to escape the yard (he never did that before). It is stressing me.

Tonight, I get a call from Hotlanta...my darling niece is in the hospital from complications. I don't really know much more than that.

UGHHHHHH! Illness spreading through my house...insane elderly dog...and my sick baby girl...it does seem to happen in 3's!

I ask for positive energy sent this way. PLEASE!

I am just waiting for news. Another trip to Hotlanta may be imminent.

I appreciate any and all help for my family to be healthy and safe.

Thank you,

Kelly

Do not make me 

show that you are not much more than meat

Spent a wonderful hour and 1/2 talking with my niece that I raised for most of her life (now 24 yrs old and 7 months pregnant). We weren't always so close. She was always MY girl (most of her life was spent with me)...my daughter but not my daughter biologically.

Poor child had horrible times with parents being dysfunctional (luckily) at different times. Then moving to Florida with her Nana and Aunt Kelly. Smooth times and some trying times for ALL of us. So many mother figures that child had (grandmother, aunt, mother, father's girlfriend)...it had to be confusing for her. I admit, I was harsh at times. She went wild. I had to be harsh (not abusive) I only wanted her to better herself and be a good person. I saw a wonderful little girl turning into a hateful person...calling her own Nana a BITCH. I was devastated! My mother is a saint not a bitch. At one point she went back to her mother. A while later, she saw what Nana and Aunt Kelly did...and knew it was for her own good and admitted it.

I am proud to say, she did see the good we tried to instill in her. She is responsible, beautiful, kind yet stands up to what is good and right. I can't have my own children...but I have HER! A baby I raised into a wonderful adult with strong morals and stronger beliefs! Fight on, my darling warrior! Aunt Kelly loves you unconditionally!

I had the joy of seeing the otherside...yet again, as I have most of my life....unfortunately, I am doubted.....as fucking usual!!!!!!!!!! I'm over it!  You keep  getting beating down and everything shuts off.........BITCH IS OFF!

GUILT

 

Guilt is wishing jail for a loved one,

hoping it is for his sobriety.

Guilt is knowing you take,

much more than you can give.

Guilt is loving someone,

You are not with.

Guilt is knowing you will hurt someone.

Because, you'll never leave the one you are with.

Guilt is trying to please others,

when at the moment...

YOU just don't give a fuck!

Guilt is a daily fight.

It consumes my soul.

I should feel SOMETHING...

Yet, I do not!

 

I am numb....and yet, I feel guilty because of it. 


I have many dreams in life. Some have been fulfilled and many have not. A few WILL come true before I leave this life!!!
I think I would, myself, be surprised at some of the sexual dreams that have AND have not come true. If I truly think hard about it.
  
I have dreamed of meeting famous people. I'll never meet Einstein, Vivien Leigh...what an amazing beauty she was.
What a shame, and I know there are too many to mention. 
  
I have a few celebrity crushes that I will never meet.
*cries* Michio Kaku (it's because he is a darling nerd), Anthony Bordain...he is crass, a drinking and eating fool and just doesn't give a flying fuck what anyone says or thinks, plus he is handsome as hell! 
 
I have met some of my FAVE rock stars...KISS, Tesla...the list could go on.
 
But...because of my Daddio, who turned me on to Delbert McClinton (thank you, Daddio!) I'm not into country but Delbert is blues, rockabilly, country and just wonderful shit put together! And, from what I understand....a fuckin maniac! I must meet this man...for my own sake and a tribute to my Daddio.
 
Daddio did get to meet his hero before he passed! George Jones...that makes me happy! So, I shall strive to meet another of his heroes....and one of mine as well. DELBERT!
 
Life is good with happy memories, hard work, good whiskey...soul felt music....and good rockin SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!! JFS!
 
PEACE, LOVE and SWEET KISSES from THE TART!

I watch...

As blood flows from my fingertips.

From my nose.

I watch...

As my blood flows...from my ears.

From my soul.

I watch...

And ponder the truth of it.

Do I create it?

Or is it imposed?

I watch...

Wondering why I assume the weight

Is on MY shoulders?

When it is on OURS!

I watch...

As guilt consumes me.

Guilt, for the starving.

For those, who have not.

I watch...

As vets suffer...

and children go hungry.

I give, even when I can't give.

I watch...

As loved ones come and go.

Always wondering why?

Yet I watch silently.

I watch...

myself die slowly.

As so many others do.

In my soul, I wish for peace.

 

I watch...

The world disappear.

The world I dream of.

Peace, beauty and pure love.

I watch...

And always dream.

Of the beauty.

And right.

The right humans can do!

I must admit, I am less neurotic and much more productive being away from Fu. My work projects and home projects are exhausting but coming along with ease and I haven't killed anyone! LOL!

  I admit my life is still a bit stressful but I feel I am handling things better. My real FRIENDS have my email and a select few have my phone number. Please use them for messages and texts. I love and miss my Fu's...but, true Fu folks know how to reach me if they wish. And if I gave you my info and you failed to make note....I'm sorry....

 

I am reclaiming my life...I'm reclaiming ME! 

44 is coming soon, I have spent my entire life trying to please others...it is my turn! I'm not saying I will stop trying to please others, because that does makes me happy, but it's MY turn. My well being is top priority at the moment.

 

True friends (and I know you are there) will be here when I return. If I thought you were a TRUE friend and you are not here when I return....then shame on me for my lack of good judgement....and if you are here.....then obviously, you are meant to be in my life.

 

Until then, I send my kisses and love...

 

Kelly

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