Do not make me 

show that you are not much more than meat

Spent a wonderful hour and 1/2 talking with my niece that I raised for most of her life (now 24 yrs old and 7 months pregnant). We weren't always so close. She was always MY girl (most of her life was spent with me)...my daughter but not my daughter biologically.

Poor child had horrible times with parents being dysfunctional (luckily) at different times. Then moving to Florida with her Nana and Aunt Kelly. Smooth times and some trying times for ALL of us. So many mother figures that child had (grandmother, aunt, mother, father's girlfriend)...it had to be confusing for her. I admit, I was harsh at times. She went wild. I had to be harsh (not abusive) I only wanted her to better herself and be a good person. I saw a wonderful little girl turning into a hateful person...calling her own Nana a BITCH. I was devastated! My mother is a saint not a bitch. At one point she went back to her mother. A while later, she saw what Nana and Aunt Kelly did...and knew it was for her own good and admitted it.

I am proud to say, she did see the good we tried to instill in her. She is responsible, beautiful, kind yet stands up to what is good and right. I can't have my own children...but I have HER! A baby I raised into a wonderful adult with strong morals and stronger beliefs! Fight on, my darling warrior! Aunt Kelly loves you unconditionally!

I had the joy of seeing the otherside...yet again, as I have most of my life....unfortunately, I am doubted.....as fucking usual!!!!!!!!!! I'm over it!  You keep  getting beating down and everything shuts off.........BITCH IS OFF!

GUILT

Guilt is wishing jail for a loved one,

hoping it is for his sobriety.

Guilt is knowing you take,

much more than you can give.

Guilt is loving someone,

You are not with.

Guilt is knowing you will hurt someone.

Because, you'll never leave the one you are with.

Guilt is trying to please others,

when at the moment...

YOU just don't give a fuck!

Guilt is a daily fight.

It consumes my soul.

I should feel SOMETHING...

Yet, I do not!

I am numb....and yet, I feel guilty because of it. 

I watch...

As blood flows from my fingertips.

From my nose.

I watch...

As my blood flows...from my ears.

From my soul.

I watch...

And ponder the truth of it.

Do I create it?

Or is it imposed?

I watch...

Wondering why I assume the weight

Is on MY shoulders?

When it is on OURS!

I watch...

As guilt consumes me.

Guilt, for the starving.

For those, who have not.

I watch...

As vets suffer...

and children go hungry.

I give, even when I can't give.

I watch...

As loved ones come and go.

Always wondering why?

Yet I watch silently.

I watch...

myself die slowly.

As so many others do.

In my soul, I wish for peace.

I watch...

The world disappear.

The world I dream of.

Peace, beauty and pure love.

I watch...

And always dream.

Of the beauty.

And right.

The right humans can do!

I must admit, I am less neurotic and much more productive being away from Fu. My work projects and home projects are exhausting but coming along with ease and I haven't killed anyone! LOL!

  I admit my life is still a bit stressful but I feel I am handling things better. My real FRIENDS have my email and a select few have my phone number. Please use them for messages and texts. I love and miss my Fu's...but, true Fu folks know how to reach me if they wish. And if I gave you my info and you failed to make note....I'm sorry....

I am reclaiming my life...I'm reclaiming ME! 

44 is coming soon, I have spent my entire life trying to please others...it is my turn! I'm not saying I will stop trying to please others, because that does makes me happy, but it's MY turn. My well being is top priority at the moment.

True friends (and I know you are there) will be here when I return. If I thought you were a TRUE friend and you are not here when I return....then shame on me for my lack of good judgement....and if you are here.....then obviously, you are meant to be in my life.

Until then, I send my kisses and love...

Kelly

Mother (fucking) Nature

I respect and admire HER. Don't get me wrong...but, I have a chance to be alone in a big 1900's fabulous house. Animal and house sitting for 3 nights and 4 days, thinking I may get a little partying in......SHE has other ideas....SHE decides, I should be in intense pain and pretty much unbearable to be around. SHE certainly has impeccable timing. THANK YOU MOTHER NATURE  for being so sensitive....*rolls eyes*

 A tear falls every time I think of what was...

A tear falls with each stab of the knife, into my heart...

A tear falls with every emotion...

A tear falls with every thought of you.

A tear falls knowing, I would never leave you alone...

Tears fall, because YOU left me alone...when I would NEVER leave YOU!

I'm so fucking tired of bad news. My aunt is having surgery on Thursday to have cancer removed from her breast...tonight there is news from my RL boyfriend's side of the family that his brother has a spot that is suspicious in his body....oh FFS! Enough with the whole cancer shit. Who is hiding the fucking cure? There IS one in the natural world. That's what the world is for! There is a natural cure. OR WE WOULD ALL BE DEAD ALREADY! I'm just tired of all that shit! We shouldn't have to poison our bodies to cure another poison...it's insane....JFS...and I will shut up now.

PEACE and HEALTH to my loved ones, online and offline.

I'm just frustrated as hell....