sweet tart's blog: "never ending pain"

i never realized how much a death could affect you. i am a different person since the death of my dad. in some ways good and in some ways bad. it's funny though, i can't think of one good thing right this second. maybe i just can't see it myself. the last time i saw him, may 1, 2007. i came home from work. he was sitting on my couch. we always touched hands as i walked by him. this time i wouldn't let him touch me because i was so filthy from work. i didn't hug him when he left. dammit!!! why didn't i hug him? at about 3 am may 2, fl. highway patrol knocked on my door to tell me there had been an accident and my father didn't make it. he had a heart attack while driving. they say all wounds heal with time. who the hell are they anyway? lol i'm not sure this wound will heal. it's been almost 9 months and i'm still a basketcase!!! sometimes i feel so lost, walking around in circles, not sure what to do. and i am angry a lot of the time. then there are the times i find myself sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing, not real sure how i ended up there anyway. i wanted isolation, so i pushed my loved ones away. i apologize for that, and beg for your forgiveness. but i do have those days i can think of my father and laugh or smile. he was a funny man! and i love him with all of my heart and i will always miss him terribly. the pain is there...always...lurking...never ending. but the pain is something i must live with. i wrote this for myself, hoping to ease some of the pain. i'm very private with my emotions and maybe it's time to get over that! so i put this out for all to see.