It's so hard for me to believe it has been 3 years since my father passed. Some days it feels like I just heard the news. And some days I still expect him to walk through my front door.
I talk to him all the time and I know it isn't believable for some but he calls my name. I hear it often and yes...often I am sober when I hear it! LOL
When I was younger, sometimes I would think about one of my parents dying...and wonder how could I live without them? I just knew I would die when my Dad did. I always thought that even as a child.
LOOK!!!
I didn't die. Imagine that!!!
I wanted to. I wouldn't have done anything to myself but there were MANY days I remained curled up in my bed and wished for it. The pain was too much (I thought at the time). The pain still haunts me at times, but I no longer wish for death. I guess the meds help that too. When you are forced to go to the doctor for happy pills, you know you are in a funk! LOL!
I have no shame in blogging this. It is what I went through (sometimes still do) and it is real.
I still miss him daily and think of him all the time. What an amazing man he was in my eyes. Of course being the baby of the family I was spoiled rotten by him and everyone else. *grins*
I still have to follow through with one of his wishes but I can't just yet. He loved my gardens and was so proud of me and them, even helped me pay for some of it. That may be why my yard has been neglected for 3 years...I had no interest. There was no reason anymore. Though only weeks before his death he asked that some of his ashes be spread in the back garden. And I shall, though not sure when. Should it be on an anniversary of his death? His birthday? Some random day?
I don't know the answer...I only know it isn't going to happen just yet. I'm not quite ready. And anyway, that part of the garden WILL be and MUST be perfect and beautiful! My brothers and sister say they do not want to be here...and that's ok. I think I would rather be alone anyway.
I found it quite curious that he would speak of his wishes....pay off all credit cards...and a few other small things while telling us, all was well. Did he? Could he possibly know weeks in advance that he would pass soon? He would bring it up often just before he died. I couldn't talk about it. I would say "Dad please don't talk about dying." he would always say "Baby, we have to." But I couldn't...I wouldn't. The thought of losing him was too painful.
I know I'm not the only person to lose a loved one and certainly not the only person saddened by my own father's death. He was adored by many! But this is how I get through it.
I know only the truest of my friends will read this.
No one really cares. But I do this for me......I have to...or this girl will go insane......wait.....TOOOOOOO LATE!!!!!!!!!!! LOL
I love and miss you my Daddio.....I always will.
