jEnNiE MaY's blog: "therapy"

I don't even know why I'm crying right now. I don't want to deal with the sh*t I have to face. The stupid shit I deal with on a daily basis. I put myself in such deep denial so long ago about so many things that I think it actually f*cked my head up. Wow, maybe I am crazy. Everyone gets divorced these days. No biggie. Everyone's husbands are complete horrifying shitheads to them. Nothing new. Everyone's, every last relationship, hookup and even friendships never work out. What's new? Everyone, sooner or later, eventually leaves. I guess that is why they started saying "suck it up and drive on." I don't try hard to find the perfect man or the ever lasting love. IT's not even about that sh*t. Ha, yea ok. But hell, companionship with someone who does not drive me up the wall, is always a nice thing. Everyone has bullshit they have to face in life. I never try to make myself anyone's pity story or anything like that. I too, like everyone else, has some issues and bullsh*t to deal with. Ugh! I think I'm just venting. My best friend is in Iraq right now and he is the perfect person who is always there for me to just vent about the stupid sh*t. I'm going to bed lol. Good night

I take it if someone stops talking to you one day, for no apparent reason, then you were officially erased from their memory. You could have experienced such beautiful memories together, and for whatever unknown reasons, they just stop talking to you. He likes her, she likes him, it was magic. They understood each other and for once in her life she was actually attracted to him. Nuts right? It was sweet chemestry. Maybe a sweet little summer romance that should have extended into fall. He needed someone to believe in him, and she was there. She cared so deeply that it was mentally exhausting how much she did cared for him. No other man measured up like he had. He never saw the beauty he presented in her eyes. A simple kiss from him was the greatest feeling she had ever felt. He never believed in himself, so why would he think anyone else would? This blinded man never realized how much he hurt her. The months went by and she was holding on. What exactly was she holding on to? what was she waiting for? He had no clue at all. She loved him. He claimed he felt the same. Weeks of disappointment droned on and on. I will never forget that one cold night when I last saw him. He drove off after he made sure I was in my house. Things were weird after that last glance into each others' eyes. That noisy truck of his drove off into the night. It was days until we spoke again. Those words were hateful. I cried myself to sleep that night. That was the last night I heard his voice... I always wondered what had happend to the man who made me care. I always hoped he was okay. What made me call him out of no where tonight? What drove me to pick up that phone and call him? Ring ring, of course no answer... One hour later my phone rang. It was him. He had no clue who I was and didn't have my number in his phone. Sweet right? He loved me once, not too long ago at all, but strange he didn't recognize my voice. Out with some chick tonight lol. Enjoy the date! Hope you get some :-) Nutty unforgettable people like myself become strangers to the ones who we once cared for. It's a nice feeling to love and be love, should it be even nicer to be forgotten?

Everyone knows that there is good and bad. People aren't bad, they just to bad things. Well, i should say that they do stupid things that turn out to be bad. I don't get a lot of things. One thing especially is this site. Yea it's a cooler version of myspace, i get that. The more anyone talks to me, the more I feel they are all the same. I can't tell you how many men call me sexy or this and that. I don't believe it has anything to do with my looks. Maybe they are lonely, or horny who knows? The more i hear it, the more i want to scream! There was a guy who i started talking to. I really wanted to get to know him and be his friend. He is a bit of a distance from me but nothing to serious a road trip can't fix. Apparently I've hurt him somehow. I do believe he read into a written piece of mine and instead of coming to me and asking me about it, he took the typical male way out and insulted me before he stopped talking to me. I want to let everyone know, as if my profile doesnt painfully explain it: i am not a whore. I do not have random sex with strange men. I dont know how i would make that anymore clearer. I have done a lot of soul searching this past week. I've cried myself to sleep every night. I just don't understand why I'm overly sensitive now of all times. I try so hard in my life and it feels like the more that I do try, the more I get put down. Especially by strangers. You may be talking into your computer but yes, there is a real person on the other end of it. I am 26 years old, 5'6 brown hair and eyes. Flesh and blood i am real. No, I am not perfect. I don't believe anyone really is. This society has been too f**cked up lately that there is no such thing as perfection. I figured out last night what i truly want. I want my heart to be happy! My body is getting better and i love my job. Everything else about me is happy but my heart isnt. I push men away from me. I'm not scared of being alone i am scared of being with anyone. I dont really want to get into it right now but if you want to know why, just ask. :) Anyway, I feel this blog for tonight is getting a bit long so i am going to end it now. I may have hurt someone whom i've never met and i am sorry for that but in return he hurt me as well. One huge misunderstanding that lead to us not talking. It is a shame too because he is a good person. His tendencies may steer him toward player actions but hell this is the internet, who doesnt appear to be a player online? lol I just cant believe he thinks i run around and sleep with any guy who will have me. IF he had taken the time to get to know me, he would never have said anything like that. But i do forgive him because all he had to really judge me by was some poem i wrote in a blog. But anyway... This weekend is my first weekend off in three months. I do have to work on sunday but i think it is a big deal that i have a saturday off AND a friday... but oh well to that LOL ... good luck with life everyone. Be cautious of others, you never really know if anything you say is hurting another ...

you have to stay on track, in order for things to make sense, you can't stray to the unkown keep your ship afloat and all will be unharmed but, sometimes it is the unknown that scares us why walk through the dark shadowy forrest when a paved road is infront of you is it the mystery? the wonders that make us curious as to what could be out there? people walk the line of the safe road to ensure a stable path what would ever happen to us if we stepped off course? will we sink into the quick sands of misery and kill ourselves of hope and brightness? or if we take that great chance and take that first step into that unknown, could it possibly alter our lives somehow ... for the great?? a really good and trusted friend just told me: "if we dont take chances we may never know what life may bring" this is how i replied to him ... "even a small thing can be a chance, like... deciding to go to a different store for your last second purchase, or buying a soda from a different machine on a break at work" You take a sleeping pill to go to sleep, and use coffee to keep you from falling asleep. But what do we use to wake us up, open our eyes? Most people think bad things that happen to us do the trick. Good thing can too! After a really rough time or breakup, a good thing can happen to us. We deserve it! Happiness is deserved by all!! ok sleeping pill kicking in ... better use up my 11's before i get knocked out LOL thanks for stopping by

I wear a ring on my left ring finger. A silver band. You can sort of see it peeping through in a couple of my pictures. No, I am not married. I've been divorced for 7 months and ten days. As for the previous blogs that I've written, I would like to explain a few things (especially to one specific person). I do not sleep around! In fact, the one night stand blog I wrote mainly expressed how I felt after the only two loves of my life (thus far) left me. I am a stronger woman now. The saturday that had just passed, I wrote another blog expressing my mood at that moment. I was just sick of that day in general. It's been over for three days now... Done! On paper I seem like such a catch. So why you ask am I still single? Yea I think I'm going to want to be with the man who wants my heart as well as everything else. Makes sense doesn't it? Yes I do deserve it and so will he. He deserves happiness as well. He is out there waiting for me to be ready. I am single now because he is not ready for me either. I give my heart out too easily. Generally speaking, not just in the lovers term. Friends are my biggest downfall. I respect people enough to the point where I give trust first. Not in all cases, but in many. I don't want to give my body to anyone anymore. Sex is just sex. Of course it feels great, but I surely can wait for it. I hate that beginning feeling where I like a person and get close to them. Even if he is a friend of mine it still stays on my mind. I miss being held. I miss holding someone. Doing nothing with someone feels better than doing everything alone. I miss the touch of his skin and the feel of his hairs. Soft little kisses anywhere and everywhere. I especially love the feel of his finger tips on my breast and his kiss on my neck. Maybe I am just going on and on and pointlessly heading in a direction that is worthless. With every new person who enters my life, my life feels more empty. Each new stranger that I get close to, makes me want to push them away. I don't really have a good conclusion to end this blog. No wise words or great quote to sum it up. Life is always unexpected. I do thank you if you read the whole thing. That was really sweet of you. I wear a promise ring around my left ring finger. Although that generally symbolizes a promise made to another soul, in this case; it is a promise that I had made to myself. I am no longer a virgin, but I have something in me that I will save for that one soul who is seeking me. Until then, who knows? ...

Sometimes in life we all have to do the things we hate the most. Some of those things could lead us to get hurt. Broken bones will heal. Cool looking scars tell a story. But sometimes it's the broken things that give us scars no one can see that hurt us the most. People come and go in our lives. Even the ones who stay the shortest while can still leave a lasting memory in our minds. You just don't know who's heart you could be leaving that footprint on. Sometimes, the smallest sh*t can and does mean the biggest in ways you never thought of. I'm going to get personal and bare my heart a little. I've been used my whole entire life. By friends, family, lovers and even strangers. It's a subtle abuse that goes unrecognized. I am a people pleaser. This has nothing to do with me wanting people to like me. It's just my natural way of being. I feel for people, so i take them on my shoulders. Put my last dime out just to make them feel more than okay. I guess this all caught up to me tonight. I mean, I'm a smart girl, and my eyes were never shut to this abuse. I went almost 7 years with an abusive husband and my divorce is the best thing to ever happen to me. Not because he cant harm me anymore but because i am a new woman now. Maybe i am just rambling on and on, maybe if i had a clearer mind frame this would make more sense. Who knows, maybe i just need to vent and i have not a soul to vent out to. I am a good person but i hide what's really going on inside. If people are going to see my flaws and imperfections i would rather them see the fat or blemishes. I dont want them to know why i cry or that i cry. I am human, like everyone else. Hell if anyone actually is reading this and got this far wow i am impressed!! I'll stop for now. This ramble typing that i am doing. Thanks for taking time out to read a piece of my heart. there is a couple that i recently have been blessed to get to know, and take into my heart. i feel like i love them and i barely know them. i look at them and hear them in my ear and i wish that i had that again. ive even cried a bit but never told them about it. i do miss being the other half of a couple and knowing them, hearing them and seeing them just makes me want it even more so. i have gone my days thinking about those two and well, whatever does happen in the future just know i love you guys and i am sorry.... i've developed feelings for the two of them and i honestly do not know what to do.... life is life... one must live life to experience it and you just cant experience something it if you dont live ....

I meant nothing to you. You played around, tickled and teased me. Gave me soft kisses here and there. Held my hand when we walked and pulled me close to you. I aroused you so easily. You whispered those sweet lies in my ear. Told me you liked me and that you love looking into my eyes. Such beautiful eyes I have you said. Three weeks later what ever did happen to what's his name? I meant nothing to you. Four men later, hell I meant nothing to them either. Where is that guy who said he liked me? I was just a f**k to him. An easy lay he knew he'd get. So easy from the stupid girl that I am. I did mean nothing to you, and you and even you. But that one that I mean the world to gets hurt in the process. All he ever wanted was for me to be in his arms every night. To lay with him in bed, and live forever with. Why haven't I done that yet you ask? Because I'm scared that when I give in, I will mean nothing to him...

There is a man who has been in love with me for over a year now. Until recently, only one other person has known about him. He is a little older than I am. On paper, many would think he is the perfect guy. Now in general terms I do not believe in perfection. Like the "perfect man." He doesnt exist lol. Blah blah. So, for over a year he has been asking me to marry him. Lol my divorce was finalized February. I haven't acted upon dating the man, because I have been enjoying my freedom. (single for the first time since 19 pretty much) he asked me to marry him again and this time he was 1000000 percent serious... yea since then my mind has been else where.. he will be here tomorrow... i just dont know what to do