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Idols
Beer god:
The Interview transcript
A roughly hewn granite and malachite statue about 68 centimeters tall, the
"beer god's" stern, unblinking countenance belies a Bacchanalian lust for life
- and beer in particular for which I was not totally prepared.
AP: Good morning...
Beer god: SILENCE
AP: Would you prefer I conduct the interview in Sumerian?
Beer god: SILENCE
AP: What is the proper way to address you?
Beer god: I am the beer god.
AP: Very good. There are two schools of thought in regards to your origin
Beer god: I am the beer god.
AP: Ah...yes. There are two schools of thought in regards to...beer god's origins;
many scholars believe your- I mean beer god's creation coincided with the first
distillation of hops in early Mesopotamia. While others insist the timeline is more
convoluted and involves--
Beer god: Why you not drink Honey Brown Lager?
AP: Uh... I'm not really thirsty. If we could return to--
Beer god: You drink Honey Brown Lager.
AP: No. I haven't but I hear it's very--
Beer god: That not question: You drink Honey Brown Lager! Now!
AP: OK, OK...hold on...(ASIDE: Could someone get me a Honey Brown Lager?)
AP: While we're waiting, according to mythological genealogy your father was the
Alfalfa God, but paleological clues suggest--
Beer god: Honey Brown Lager is here. You drink.
AP: Very well...SIP...Yes, that's very tasty Anyway, it is commonly--
Beer god: You drink all.
AP: I'm not much of a drinker...
Beer god: You drink all!
AP: Of course...GULP GULP GULP...aah...
Beer god: You want more.
AP: Thank you, no...
Beer god: SILENCE
AP: Well, I suppose one more wouldn't hurt.
Beer god: Beer god is pleased. Your she-cow will bear many calves.
AP: That's good news. GULP GULP GULP. But perhaps beer god could clarify
the similarities to Easter Island sta...
Beer god: You know what taste good with Honey Brown Lager?
AP: No, I don't.
Beer god: More Honey Brown Lager!
AP: That's very funny. Moving on, I--
Beer god: That not joke. More Honey Brown Lager!
AP: Sure, let's have another round. GULP GULP GULP. OK, now where were we?
Beer god: You drink Honey Brown Lager.
AP: I certainly did. Didn't I?
Beer god: SILENCE
AP: You want me to drink another one don't you?
Beer god: You have great wisdom. Your mules will be strong of haunch and hoof.
AP: Strong mules? Hell, I'll drink to that...GULP GULP GULP. So you think the
interview's going well? - BUUURP I'm having fun... You know that secretary out
front? She's hot. You know if she's seein' anybody? 'Cause if she's not--
Beer god: Beer god bored. Now you go.
AP: Uh... OK. You´re just the best, and I--
Beer god: The beer god has spoken.
Thur