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Beer god:

The Interview transcript

A roughly hewn granite and malachite statue about 68 centimeters tall, the

"beer god's" stern, unblinking countenance belies a Bacchanalian lust for life

- and beer in particular for which I was not totally prepared.

AP: Good morning...

Beer god: SILENCE

AP: Would you prefer I conduct the interview in Sumerian?

Beer god: SILENCE

AP: What is the proper way to address you?

Beer god: I am the beer god.

AP: Very good. There are two schools of thought in regards to your origin

Beer god: I am the beer god.

AP: Ah...yes. There are two schools of thought in regards to...beer god's origins;

many scholars believe your- I mean beer god's creation coincided with the first

distillation of hops in early Mesopotamia. While others insist the timeline is more

convoluted and involves--

Beer god: Why you not drink Honey Brown Lager?

AP: Uh... I'm not really thirsty. If we could return to--

Beer god: You drink Honey Brown Lager.

AP: No. I haven't but I hear it's very--

Beer god: That not question: You drink Honey Brown Lager! Now!

AP: OK, OK...hold on...(ASIDE: Could someone get me a Honey Brown Lager?)

AP: While we're waiting, according to mythological genealogy your father was the

Alfalfa God, but paleological clues suggest--

Beer god: Honey Brown Lager is here. You drink.

AP: Very well...SIP...Yes, that's very tasty Anyway, it is commonly--

Beer god: You drink all.

AP: I'm not much of a drinker...

Beer god: You drink all!

AP: Of course...GULP GULP GULP...aah...

Beer god: You want more.

AP: Thank you, no...

Beer god: SILENCE

AP: Well, I suppose one more wouldn't hurt.

Beer god: Beer god is pleased. Your she-cow will bear many calves.

AP: That's good news. GULP GULP GULP. But perhaps beer god could clarify

the similarities to Easter Island sta...

Beer god: You know what taste good with Honey Brown Lager?

AP: No, I don't.

Beer god: More Honey Brown Lager!

AP: That's very funny. Moving on, I--

Beer god: That not joke. More Honey Brown Lager!

AP: Sure, let's have another round. GULP GULP GULP. OK, now where were we?

Beer god: You drink Honey Brown Lager.

AP: I certainly did. Didn't I?

Beer god: SILENCE

AP: You want me to drink another one don't you?

Beer god: You have great wisdom. Your mules will be strong of haunch and hoof.

AP: Strong mules? Hell, I'll drink to that...GULP GULP GULP. So you think the

interview's going well? - BUUURP I'm having fun... You know that secretary out

front? She's hot. You know if she's seein' anybody? 'Cause if she's not--

Beer god: Beer god bored. Now you go.

AP: Uh... OK. You´re just the best, and I--

Beer god: The beer god has spoken.