So my grandmother's friend Stella is staying over her house. This is bad. Why do you ask?
1. I fucking hate her
2. She's my grandmother's negativity towards life and everything in the middle multiplied by the thousands
3. She's ultra conservative, she might as well be goose stepping in a tan uniform.
At my aunt's funeral ( the first time I met the woman.) I had to sit in a car with her for hours as she provoked the "This world is going to hell in a hand basket" conversation with the grand parents chiming in. If you want to share this experience with me, put your head in a vice and tighten it every minute of the hour. I never saw her smile. Not once.
When I was little my grand mom made me write thank you letters every time she would send me a useless piece of shit. My grand mom would proof read these and then I'd have to write it all over. Pretty sad when you're 10 years old trying to think of ways to break your own hand.
She constantly sends my grandmother these conservative articles and catholic newsletters about this person said this, this person supports this politician (that they don't like), and basically any moral value that any celebrity has failed to uphold. Then my family and I are subjected to it in rant form via in person or over the phone for 3 hours. I guess I should be thankful they don't have computers and it takes at least 2-3 days for these to reach her. If they had computers the efficiency of these rants would be devastating.
Stella moved out of Pennsylvania several months ago. My grandmother didn't even have to tell me, I knew because I saw a beautiful rainbow that day. She moved into the home of a doctor and his wife in Virginia. She decided to pay a visit to my grandparents which triggered the immediate attention of me and my dad's home improvement skills to paint and fix everything for her grand appearance. The reason for the visit wasn't to see them, the reason is because the good doctor's wife was going away and she didn't want to be alone with a man.... go back and read that again and let that stick in your brain for a sec. Ok, she's old enough to have dated Adam and he's old enough to have dated Eve. I don't think he's gonna make a move anytime soon. Hmmm, do I risk losing my marriage or do I have a 2 minute thrill ride with the most miserable virgin on earth. Tough one.
And get this, she's making my grand mom drive all the way to New Jersey to see her niece. Can you say, sponge? Mooch?
Today dad dropped of a painting that my grandmother wanted reframed. He said I'll be right back, you don't have to come because I know how much you hate her ( I love my dad). Then my grandmother pulls him aside and says, " you know, Stella met Joey but she hasn't met Katelynn yet. Wouldn't that be so nice?" So now we're going to be expecting a visit from her in the near future. It's almost like the cliffhanger of a sci fi film where everyone thought the alien was dead then after the credits roll his hand twitches and you're like, " God dammit! Not again!!"
Me and Kate were thinking of ways to offend her. Kate suggested wearing a fake nose ring and having me draw a tattoo on her and she would sit with her legs spread open. I thought of drawing a face tattoo like Mike Tyson and stumbling upstairs with a bottle of vodka in my hand. Dad suggested smacking her on the ass and saying hey bitch! and giving her a wink.
Will we do these things? Will Stella ever her groove back? We'll just have to wait and see friends. We more than likely won't be doing such things but I sleep better at night dreaming of them.
*Oh and forni wanted her name randomly placed on the blog.
Fornicates <- it's off centered how random is that! :D
