Sketchy At Best's blog: "Season of the Man"

I admit it, I am addicted to Project Runway. If you've never seen the show, they match up seven gay guys, two moms, two heterosexual "edgy"(mental problems) girls, and two lesbians,and the token heterosexual guy, room them together, and the create "fashion" Take one out of work supermodel (Heidi Klum), various guest judges you've never heard of, and two celebrities per season that you have, and they think they know fashion. Those are the ones that get the queers all a twitter. They have a bunch of episodes, and everyone on there tells you what a piece of shit everyone else is, and why their clothes are the best. They live in tiny condo's, and you occasionally see them eat, but mostly you see them drink. This helps fuel the cattiness. Like they need help. Tim Gunn is the fashion "expert". who seems to wear the same variety of suit week after week. Granted, he's dressed very nattily in his tailored suit, but for being on the cutting edge of fashion, its pretty boring. So to get to my point, there is a conspiracy going on. And it's in my Season of the Man for a reason. Every season, right about the same episode, the straight guy gets voted off. The only season out of 6 they didn't, he ended up winning it. But not this year. He lost on a challenge for coming up with interview appropriate clothes for a young lady, that their mother would approve of. So they all talked to their model, got what they thought she wanted, and set to work. Halfway thru, Tim Gunn goes through and tells them whats wrong with it. The queers hang on his ever year, the mom's listen carefully, and one of the "edgy" girls ends up saying she doesn't give a fuck what he thinks, she knows more than him. So it gets down to it, they pull the three best, and the eventualy winner (super gay black guy) wins, and talks shit about how great he is. Then they pull the bottom three, and one is excused to move on. And its between Suede (super gay white guy with a faux hawk), and heterosexual man. Of the two outfits, the hetereosexual guy's was the best. Not even close. It was tasteful, colorful, fit the girl, and had a removeable jacket that the girl didn't like anyway, but the dress was good. Suede made something I like to call ugly. But the experts voted Suede the cream of the Crap, and heterosexual man got sent home. And I don't like it. He did what they wanted. She looked good, and it didn't age her 20 years like they said. She wanted to be a photographer, so it was plenty edgy, with some professionalism to it. Suede's outfit would get her hired on 53rd and 3rd, as a tranny hooker. So once again, us straight guys are booted off. Every friggin year. He gets treated like a non person for a few episodes, then booted, and I don't like it. I know who'll win because he follows the formula. Gay male, personally dresses like a clown, and is extra queeny. He'll talk shit the whole season, and win most the challenges, no matter what he does. As an added bonus, he's black, and will be the first black winner. The final three will be him, the "artsy" girl with attitude, and someone else who won't matter. I'm hoping its the black lady with the great hair and a 4 year old, who calls herself a "cool" mom. Despite that, I like her, and what she does. But I'm disgusted. I know he didn't have the winning talent, but he had more than what's left in the field. I really think I need a hobby!

I know, food is shared by all. But some foods, you have to be a little bit braver than the average Joe to try. Unless you live where the food is common, then you need to suspend belief for this blog to work. What brought me to this is tripe taco's. They had a different name for it, but that's what it comes down to. We ate with friends over the weekend, and they had them on the menu, and I just had to try. I also tried tongue taco's. The tongue taco's were awesome. I had tongue, steak, and tripe, and the tongue was my favorite. Very savory, tender, and quite delicious. We had them mexican style, with corn shells, onion and cilantro. The tripe was okay. It had a smoky flavor to it, and not unpleasant in any way. My biggest hang up with it, other than the thought that it was intestine, was the consistancy of it. Very soft, and it didn't have the fiberous feel of the steak, or tongue, which is understandable. I wouldn't want a steady diet of it, but I would have it again. I had pickled turkey gizzareds a few weeks ago. Some farmer offered me one, and quite tasty. He got them in Wisconsin, and says he guards them with his life, because they aren't common around here. He then informed me that he was disappointed that they didnt have the pickled turkey testicles that he likes. He saays that they have a gamey, but good taste to them. I'm intrigued. He then told me that there is a Turkey Testicle Festival in he believes Hinckley IL. I need to research this, because if they do, I am so there. If not for the testicles, which I'd try, for the T shirt. But now there are other things I'd like to try. I watch Andrew Zimmern. I watch Anthony Bourdain. I wanna try pigs feet. I want to put some brain on a cracker, and give it a try. Insert your jokes here, but I want to try some bull penis. I don't know if I want to try the little birds they deep fry in Asia, but you never know. If given the opportunity, I might. I've come to realize that I've missed some things by not trying them. And I'm not gonna miss some more. I figure somebody is eating the stuff, might as well be me...minus the insects.

Duet to boredom, I got to thinking. I was a TV kid, obviously I watched alot of it, and got to thinking of the babes that fulfilled my dreams and fantasies. After much thought, here are my top 10 TV babes of all time 10) Mrs. Livingston...She was the Japanese maid on Courtship of Eddie's Father. The show was god awful, but I always wondered why Bill Bixby didn't tag that ass. Now it dawned on me, that she was married, but I blame her for my penchant for asian girls. 9) Janet...Three's Company...I like dark haired girls, and the blondes on there acted like morons. Janet was wacky, and cute, and brunette. And the smartest one on the show. 8) June Cleaver...hot, tiny, and with kids like the Beav, she had to be a secret drinker or had some lil helpers to get her thru. 7) Laura Tetrie/Mary Tyler Moore...before all her plastic surgeries that make her look like the Joker, she was one hot piece of woman. Even as a kid I wondered why they slept in separate beds. 6) Ellie Mae Clampet...Hot, buxom, blonde...with the tight jeans...wow. I believe she's the reason people associate hillbillys with incest...If I was Jethro, I'd have wanted to hit that also 5) Mary Ann...Gilligans Island...she was the hottest thing going on that show, screw Ginger. She just got busted for DUI a few months ago, and is still hot. 4) Carol Brady...Almost hot enough for Robert Reed not to be gay! Kudo's to Barry for having the insight to ask his TV mom out. 3) Mrs Partridge...She had enough kids to start a band, so you know she loved the cock! What the hell was Reuben thinking, not at least trying? 2) Marcia Marcia Marcia...Brady Bunch...It's just a little bit better, when you see her now, knowing she's 50ish, so you don't feel bad drooling over her. She was on Celibrity Fit Club, and still looked spectacular. 1) Jennifer...WKRP in Cincinatti...I swear they kept the set at 50 degrees, her nipples were always standing at attention. And I'd like to personally hug the set director. It was a great, funny, well written show, and looking at her made it all that much better! Thats my list. They are some great old shows,and I still try to catch them on TV Land, or Nick at Nite. I'm sure there were others. Im sure if I did the list in a month, a few would change (not Loni Anderson)

Phil Collins, drummer of the band Genesis, so artist extraordinaire, lost $47000000 in his divorce settlement. This is a third of his estate. He lost $2 million more than Paul McCartney, while married close to the same amount of time. I realize that they have two small children. I am sure Mr Collins will take more than good care of them. But why does she deserve $47 million. Because in 7 years, she got accustomed to a lifestyle? I totally disagree with this. I know that Orainne Cevey is not the only one at fault. Mr Collins has paid nearly a third of his estimated $250 million estate to ex wifes, Mrs. Cevey being number 3. But lets face it, he's produced some, did one big tour with Genesis, how does $47 million seem fair? That has to be more than half of what he made since they were married. I don't get it. So Mr Collins, here is a plea from all other men...STAY SINGLE! Bond with your kids. Pay hookers. Do Puzzles. Do NOT get married again. And Mrs. Cevay, a word of advice. Don't be like Heather Mills, date, rob, and defame a Beatle, then wonder, in public, why everyone hates you. Take your money, and retire to the countryside. Besides, it's Phil Collins...who cares?

The hostage situation is over, Brett Favre is now a New York Jet! Traded for what should eventually be a second round pick, the Green Bay Packers ahve been released by Brett Favre. Since a week after he's retired, we've heard that he has had trepidation about retiring. Earlier in the year, he went so far as to talk to the Packers, then changed his mind about coming back. He then changed his mind, and cancelled the announcement that he wasn't retiring. So then he decided to come back. After the draft. AFter the Packers had their season plan in place. For his own selfish reasons. So Brett Favre, for putting so many men in turmoil, I am forced to suspend your man card. Thats right. I understand that you felt that you feel you still have skills to offer to the NFL, but your attempt at sabotaging the NFL season, for making me listen to endless reports about how you may go here, you may do this, you may go there...suspended. I realize that the NFL is a business. I also understand selfishness. You are guilty of the latter, they were forced by you to make it a business. Shame on you for what you put Packer nation through. Wait till the booing starts.

To start this blog, I must explain a little bit about my manly daschaund, named after the two biggest icon's of the 70's. My dog's name is Elvis Knieval. Wasn't Elvis' main fan base women? Didn't women love him? Wasn't he a karaoke singing pedophile? The answer to all these question's is yes. But despite all that, he is a male icon. How? Think about it men. Here is a guy who started off by singing "the black man's music", thus thumbing his nose at conventional thinking. He then shook his hips, dampened many a pantie, and got more ass than a toilet seat. In the height of his popularity, he dated a 14 year old girl, served our country to escape scrutiny, came back, and went back to his old ways. He hired an incredible band, forced people to sign over their songs to him, made bazillions of dollars, gave away extravagant gifts, and got more ass than a toilet seat. He got married, had Lisa Marie, became a junkie, got an honorary badge from the DEA, spied on the Beatles, and got more ass than a toilet seat. He then said screw it, signed contracts with Vegas, bought a belt buckle the size of a hub cap, put on a jump suit, and ate peanut butter and bananna sandwichs, deep fried. All the while, getting more ass than a toilet seat. He then died, while on the toilet. Ironically, a toilet seat involved in his death. Evel Knieval was a hillbilly, who liked to ride motorcycles, and jump things. A daredevil if you may. Evel Knieval was a man, not the brightest man, but a man with the biggest set of balls ever recorded. I'm not talking Ill of the dead. He took regular motorcycles, did very little to them, and would jump over things that most people wouldn't dream of even trying. He was successful at first, thus boosting his confidence. But as a man's man, and an entertainer, he wasn't satisfied, so he tried for more. This is where it proves that he wasn't the brightest bulb on the xmas tree. When you think of Evel Knievel, you don't think of his successes, you think of his failures. Because they were many, and spectacular. And yet he kept at it. Did he listen when it was explained to him that by the laws of physics, what he wanted to do was impossible? Hell No! Did he listen when they told him that mechanically, it was impossible? Hell No! Did he listen when they told him all the coke, booze, and painkillers would put him in an early grave? Hell No! Because no matter what, these two men realized, that the show must go on. And as men, when we wake up, and our backs are aching, our head is throbbing, and there is a dead hooker in the bed besides us...do we call off work? Hell No! The show must go on. And why waste a sick day on being sick? God Bless America Mr 7000000

As you've figured by now, I am a reality TV junkie. I don't waste my time with Survivor, Big Brother, crap like that. No sir...or ma'am...I love the shows showing crappier jobs than mine. So in keeping with the upcoming "Season of the Man" theme, I'm gonna review a few, and then offer a few more jobs I'd like to see shows on. My favorite is "Deadliest Catch". 4 to 10 men, on a fishing boat, on the Bering Sea, in the winter, for months at a time, what could be better? Well, porn of course, but action wise, absolutely nothing. These guys fight 30 feet waves, ice, bitchiness, the captain, each other, and whatever else comes their way, just so we can go to Red Lobster and enjoy an Admiral's Feast. Then you get the drama of these men iin close quarters, getting very little sleep, doing back breaking labor, living on energy drinks and cigarettes. Bitchiness ensues. The sacrifices they make are just out of this world, and even I wonder if the $20000-$60000 for a few months work is worth it. Next is the truckers who drive on the ice. I couldn't do it. You couldn't fit a pin in my ass it would be so puckered if I had this job. I have a healthy fear of drowning, and I'd rather be on a crab boat than in one of thos rigs any day. Then there is the show where they're roughnecks on an oil well. The most disturbing part of the show is the missing fingers. There isn't alot, but they are there...well, not there, but missing fingers are present...well, not present...you know what I mean. The bonus is that they get to work where it is warm. The non bonus is they get to work where it is scorching hot. But on their off time, they can go swimming, and hit on bikini clad girls. On the boat, they sleep. Then the logging show. Now if you are into people not having appendages, this is the show for you. They're missing fingers, forearms, parts of feet, you name it, its gone. And yet, they all handle the tools just fine. To get in the parking lot, they have the non handicap spots speciallly marked. Next is the Exterminator show. Friggin nasty. Not only do you have to deal with bugs, but these houses are absolutely filthy. And these poor bastards have to crawl around it, killing the armies of roach's and whatever else they find. Cops of course is my favorite. They have since come up with a S.W.A.T show. And a bunch of other show's about Police. I think that they show the extreme situations, but sort of gloss over the everyday dangers they face. Of the bunch of jobs mentioned, it may be the safest of the bunch. I like to play armchair TV mogul, so I have a few ideas that I'd like to see. Some may have been done, but I haven't seen them yet. So here are a few ideas that I have, some real, some whimsical. I'm waiting for the show that follows firefighters. Since 9-11, the fascination with this profession is still running high. I think that there is a fine balance between sense of duty, the will to help others, and adreneline junkie, and thats what makes these fine men. I think that cameramen would just get in the way, and the heat would make the prospect of portable cameras very hard to pull off. I'm sure if they wanted to bad enough, they'd figure it out. My next idea is following EMT's, just like they do cops. I think that it's very underappreciated just what they do. I live in the sticks, so the danger that these underpaid people go thru is less than one in Chicago does, but the danger is always there. Car accidents, gunshots, stabbings...and so much more, yet right in the middle of it. I think that the show would have everything, especially in the cities. Next I want to see the show Roadie. Each season, they can follow a different road crew for a different band. The band gets their name out there, and you KNOW that there will be plenty of entertainment to fill out a season. They could even follow a few bands at a time, to fill out the season. What small label, to mid major band wouldn't want this type of exposure. And with the obsession with becoming a star, why not allow cameras in for a casting agency, or perhaps an agent. The fledgling actors get the exposure by showing their talents to the agents, trying to get signed. The agency gets their name out, and their clients, because they're on tv, and we get to see the freaks and no talents that they do. Everybody wins. And finally, why not follow me around. I'm pretty boring, but I need the money. Have a superb day Mr 7000000

It is officially official, all the camps have opened, so the Season is in full swing! A few of the manly men out there need some positive energy sent their way, so if you could spare a few, could you send some good thoughts their way? Brett Favre---He retired, then unretired...again. The poor guy just wants to work, make an honest living, and support his family. You may have heard about it, there was a news blurb! Brad Pitt---The poor guy just had twins, and is stuck in a Chateau in the South of France with his ol' lady, and 6 kids. Only two nannies, two personal assistants, 3 cooks, and a staff of four to help support him. But he's still stuck with a post partum mama, and 6 kids...send them out guys. Danny Bonnaduce---I haven't heard from Danny lately, but this guy ALWAYS needs some positive energy. He's been to rehab, he's abused steroids, he's beaten up a transvestite because in his drunken state he didn't realize he was paying for one more body part...the list goes on. He's made millions, he's lost millions, and whatever he has, he's gonna lose half to his no talent ex wife. I guess that's what happens when you marry a woman after 3 hours, so you can sleep with her. They did make it into double digits though. Andy Dick---This poor youth was recently arrested for possession, and sexual battery, for pulling the top down on a teen girl. He's signed on for a sober living reality show, so this poor guy may get on the straight and narrow...well...the straight part maybe never. Paul Reubans---Poor Pee Wee, caught spanking it years ago, in an adult theatre, and people never let you forget. Really, what else do you do in an adult theatre. So he starts to get his career on track, and POW, your house is raided, and they pop you for child pornography. His claim of it being antique porn must have held water, because I see him in things, and haven't heard of any prison sentence. Kevin Federline---Poor little K Fed, he's just a boy who fell head over heels in love for the wrong girl. And what does he have to show for it? Custody of the kids, child support checks for at least another 16 years, and just enough celebrity that he could get on The Surreal Life, or something of that ilk. Ed McMahon---This poor bastard broke his neck in 3 places, lost most his money financing his ex wife's poor business skills, and is looked at like he is an ambulance chaser because he's suing about his neck...he really needs some positive thoughts. So you see, there are some less fortunates out there men, and ladies, so please, spare a positive thought for these poor souls today

It started ladies! That's right! Season of the Man has started. If you are unfamiliar, I have officially declared the first day of training camp for the NFL, to the last tick of the Super Bowl clock, as the season of the man. We've planted those flowers. We've started the home projects. We've gone to all the stupid spring weddings of people we've hardly knew, but had to go. Now it is time for our projects. We're not putting flowers as trim...hell no, we're putting a pond in, because they're cool. We're not going to a reception for Frieda, the frumpy lady who finally got married, from work...Hell No, we're going to the titty bar. Is it polo shirt and wine season? Hell no, it's t shirt and beer. There is beer to be drunk, bikini's to be ogled, and golf to be played. Flip flops, not work boots, are to be worn. You want me to mow what? That's what neighborhood kids are for. So men, rejoice. Bring out that Molly Hatchet T shirt, wear that jersey, put on those flip flops, and crack open that beer. It's your season buddy, live it up!

I could go the easy way here, and talk about the already celebrated achievements of man. Neill Armstrong walking on the moon, Tiger Woods winning with one broken leg, Ron Jeremy banging 10,000 women looking like he does. But no, I am talking about the greatest achievements of man, by people that I personally know. 1) Young MC (initials to protect the guilty), fresh from a breakup, walks to the beer gardens of the Tri County Fair in Mendota, living two blocks away. He then proceeds to drink away the next three hours, laughing with friends. During this time, it has started raining, so eventually he decides to walk home. What can happen in two blocks. Well, nature can call. So he slips between two cars, and starts to relieve himself. Remember it was raining. Mike was wearing cowboy boots, which tend to be slick. Mendota has very shallow ditchs, being it a semi rural town, or parts of it. Rain, cowboy boots, gradual decline...thats right, his feet slip in mid piss, flying out in front of him, landing on his back. He then proceeds to urinate all over himself, too drunk to stop it. 2) Young MC, home from a night of debauchery, falls asleep downstairs in his room. He awakens to a rumbling in his stomach, rolls over, pukes on the wall, and falls back asleep. Instead of cleaning it up, he proceeds to keep putting Lysol on it, dampening the smell, and keeping the area sterile. He sprays it almost daily. 6 months later, his mom moves his bed to clean behind it, and wonders what ate the hole in the drywall. 3) BH is set up on a date. His friend says this fine young lady is pretty, slutty, and energetic. So of course, BH, being my age, gets his hands on some Viagra, expecting a full night of hot, dirty sex, and wants to be sure he can keep up. The girls call, his friends gf and the mystery girl, so he pops the little blue pill in preparation of a full night of loving. His friend's girlfriend walks in whis mystery date. What's the odds of her knowing BH's first cousin, and him not knowing about it? 4) AN goes away to college. In High School, he was a dork, and rather uptight. He goes to SIU, and decides to pledge to a fraternity. He pledges, is accepted, and is bragging about how the connections he makes will last him a lifetime. His first week he fraternity, starts out with an arrest by the campus police for public urination. That was Tuesday. Friday, after a few cocktails, him and his new brothers decide they want to see some girls they met. The only problem is that they live on the second floor of the dorms, and no boys are allowed after 11pm. So they put their beer brains together, and decide that if one gets on the shoulders of the other, they'll be able to grab the bottom of the balcony, and pull themselves up. Or, option two, the bottom guy can trip, with the other on top, and both can fall thru a plate glass window. Disciplinary probation ensues. 5) DS finally proposes to his woman, and they set a date, a ring is bought, and they're planning the wedding. So money is tight as they start to put deposits on various things. He's expecting a $1500 bonus, and she has it spent. A letter comes in the mail, from the fine state of IL, and she opens it, and its a bill for $150, because DS had driven his car thru the IPASS, with no IPASS thingy, and didnt pay the $1 online, so they fined him. They took pics of his liscense plate. DS is in KY, for work, and gets a call from TN, his woman. She asks him if he ever took her car thru the IPASS, which of course, he denies. She askes him again if he's sure. For the record, at this point he should have known something was up. But DS was/is a dork, with very little experience in relationships. He denies it again. TN then proceeds to ask him then why do I have a bill from IPASS here for $$1260, for 63 IPASS violations, each with the picture of her liscense plate? He is currently DJing the occasional wedding to make up his bonus. Why are these great moments in Man? Easy, I was NOT involved in any of them. And I laugh every time I think about them.