Sketchy At Best's blog: "My Work Adventures"

DJ Elephantcock and I, Boy 13, did another wedding this weekend. It was for his cousin, and generally speaking, when you're doing something for family, it is usually no good. And pretty much from an entertainer's point of view, we were correct. Our day started early, because we did the music for the actual ceremony. While he was doing that, I set up for the reception. I ran for our suits. I did the busy work that he pays me to do basically. But there were a few things there that are worth mentioning, and then there was a BIG finish! First thing I noticed, that I hadn't seen before at a wedding, was the blind guy with his seeing eye greyhound. At the end of the ceremony, they got up, and the blind guy accidentally stepped on the greyhound's foot, because people were in the way, and the dog stopped, but the guy didn't. It just struck me as funny, this huge yelp in the middle of them meeting and greeting. Next was the average of the crowd. DJ Elephantcock's family is old. Without a doubt, the oldest wedding group I've seen. They were so old, in fact, that I know I saw at least 6 people in wheelchair's, on the DJ's side, who were in them because they were old. Medical conditions put them there, but stuff you get when you age. One guy had one leg, and was pulling himself around with it, in a chair. He got around better with his one leg, at his age, then I do with two. I swear he lost his leg from a cannonball in the Civil War, that's how old he was. There was also a gentleman there in jeans, a t shirt, and a baseball cap. I pointed him out immediately to DJ Elephantcock, because it drives me absolutely wacky that people don't have enough respect to dress up for weddings. Later, I ran into him, and he asked me where the restroomns were. I had a pang of feeling bad for my earlier comments, because the gentleman was obviously a little slow. And he was so sweet when he thanked me, I actually felt a little bad...then I overcame that, because somebody with all their senses knew he was coming, and could have gotten him a polo shirt at least. Next were the bridesmaids. Seven of them, four preggers. DJ Elephantcock say's that his family is known for their big titties, but apparantly not known for their swallowing technique. Part of the fun of DJing and tending bar at weddings is the what if game. You know the one...What if one of them actually got drunk and or desparate enough to consider taking me home...when the answer starts with "Put the kids to bed" or "Rub her feet because they're swollen"...it just ruins the game. And my last observation was the little girl there with Down's Syndrome. I notice people, and honestly, they stick out. And she really stuck out, because she was Mexican, and I had never seen a Mexican person with Down's Syndrome. But it's my job to make sure everyone is having a good safe time, so when I saw her dancing by herself on the edge of the dance floor, at first it saddened me, because the other kids her age or younger were avoiding her, and playing off to themselves, and she couldn't join the others. But then it hit me...she was having a great time. For as long as they stayed, and we were playing music, she was dancing the night away, and it really did make me feel good. And as a side note...considering the room was filled with farm kids, she was in the top 5 best rhythmic people there. These people were listening to ipods, I swear, because they weren't dancing to what we were playing. But as time was winding down, they asked us to play longer. Now, this was a big place, and there were probably only 150 people there at its height, but the ones who stayed were having fun. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the venue had a big Cancer benefit the next day, so we could only play an extra half hour, til 10PM. I admit, we weren't thrilled, because there just weren't that many people there, and not that many dancing. It was a big enough place we brought the powerful system, and you could hear it echoing off the back wall. But we want to make their memories happy ones, and we're greedy, so we were in. We got the money in advance for the extra laying, from 930 to 10PM. At 930, we played the song Mickey by Tony Basil. This inspired the groom and groomsmen to slide across the floor on a beer they spilled. The first 4 went great. Then one of the groomsmen started his slide, and hit a dry spot. Others claim his feet slipped out from under him, but I had a pretty good view, and it looked like he hit a dry spot, and fell. He tried to catch himself with his hands, which did slip, because DJ Elephantcock had a good view of that, and he proceded to bounce his head off the tile floor. He was knocked cold at 932PM, I checked my watch. Ambulances were called, he came to, and proceeded to roll over and leave his beers and dinner on the floor...it was a night that nobody would forget, and he wouldn't remember. Being the kind and considerate person I was, I started breaking down equiptment, but the DJ wouldn't let me load up until they moved him. Me, I wanted out of there. But we did soon enough, and got home earlier than we usually do. DJ Elephantcock said that if he knew that they were gonna slide during that song, he'd have played it at 830.

DJ Elephantcock and Boy 13 played their first wedding this weekend. That is not our real names obviously, but for the purpose of this story, I am Boy 13. I was excited to do this for many reasons. Number one, it was a paying job. Number two, I got paid to hang out with DJ Elephantcock. Number 3...wedding boobs. Number 4...I work on occasion for the competition, so I was curious as to how they handle a wedding. Let me tell you, they handle it well. The place looked great, very bright, very open, and a nice view. The tables were done up nice, the flowers looked great, and the people were really friendly. Some of them worked with me before, at the other place, so I knew a few people. There I tend bar, here...I was Boy 13. I'm gonna gloss over the regular things we did, because they're boring, and you do them at every wedding. I'm just gonna hit the highlights, and lowlights of the night. Hopefully, you'll get how much fun we had. The good times started at dinner. We were supposed to sit with the hot ass photographer, and her boyfriend videographer. They knew the bride and groom apparantly, so they sat with friends, and DJ Elephantcock and I sat by ourself. It was family style, so we had mountains of food for us. They were supposed to be serving 6 but just got us two, so yay for us. They started with a great salad, and followed with chicken breasts. Dry on the outside, deliciously juicy on the inside. Then they rolled out two different pasta's, and they were both incredible, especially the spinach and cheese raviola. Then there were vegetables, and beef, and I tasted them, nothing great. The Italian pastries were incredible though. Cookies, yum. Everything yum. I ate a ton of the round, flat cookies...wow. So after we eat, the festivities begin. DJ Elephantcock knows just what to play, and off they go. The floor is filled the whole night long, and apparantly a good time is had by all...and it almost didn't go that way... We were a few songs in, having fun, people were excited, when some white lady asked for "Crank Dat" by Soulja Boy. DJ Elephantcock. I qualified that she was white, because approximately 30 seconds into the song, a gorgeous black lady is yelling at Dustin, telling her how demeaning the song was. DJ Elephantcock and Boy 13 were confused to say the least. The wedding party requrested it, and then unrequested it. She was so incensed, the went and got the dad to come over and unrequest it. Which, using his quick wits, and knowing the song was winding down anyway, we appeased him, and went into the next song. We then huddled during the next song, and I went and made the beautiful Lily look up the lyrics, and read them to me. Hearing them, I was sure there was something offensive in them, but being trained in neither ebonics or crunk, had no clue what part was. While I was out there, DJ Elephantcock went out, because he has a heart as big as his name, and apologized again to the lady. Personally, I think he did it just to get a better look at her, but then she explained why the song was offensive. He then went and explained it to me. Myself, I'm glad he went there, because I'd have had a woody halfway thru the explanation, and her huge bf would have killed me. "Crank Dat" is now the official theme song for DJ Elephantcock and Boy 13. Other highlights of the night, as seen by Boy 13. The aforementioned huge bf of beautiful but mad black woman, dancing. He popped and locked, and looked so good dancing to every type of music, he made me want to be him. I dream of dancing that good. It will always be a dream. The Italian cookies. they were incredible. The incredible wedding cleavage. I have worked and gone to my share of weddings, and these girls were wearing dresses that thumbed their noses at the laws of physics, and stayed covring all the funbags in sight. "I Kissed a Girl" and the reaction it got. We played it two times in a row, and it did get the ladies dancing with the ladies. If you like that type of thing, it will be a wedding staple. I reccommend playing it later in the night, right about the first third of the last hour of DJing, when the ladies are properly drunk. This song also figures into the lowlights. The incredibly hot girl with the skintight dress, showing off the side of her titties all night long. Once again, physics be damned, but she was smoking.hot. Later, since dancing all night got her bf sweating, she took to wearing his tie. I forgot my camera, I apologize. The girl bartending the small bar. I know her from somewhere, and she had an incredible rack. And she was super nice, and mixed a very good Captain and Coke. I had two, I behaved, I tipped generously, because I would hope others followed my lead. Lastly, DJ Elephantcock.put his money where his mouth was. He was great, kept the people dancing, and to my untrained ear, was pretty close to flawless. He thinks that he was off, missed some of the beats, but he was still better than any wedding or bar DJ I've heard in the area. I have watched him many a time pick apart DJ's, and now I know why. The lowlights were few. The beautiful black lady started out as a lowlight, but turned into a highlight. And boy could she dance. In fact, when we played "I Kissed a Girl", she started dancing with two female friends....hot, right. It was until the douche nozzle who came with no date, started dancing with them, thus drawing their attention off of each other. Thanks ass bag, I hope you got a DUI on the way home. Next, ironically, is the same guy, who insisted that he sing a few songs kaoroke style. The bride said OK, so it was OK with us. He had a good voice, but was waaaaaaaay to overstimulated. And to the big girl who thinks she can rap, thank GOD you have big tits, don't quit your day job. Some Barney Rubble looking guy said he'd make it "worth our while" to play the O'Jays "Love Train". He's lucky its a great song, and fit into the flow, because he didn't step up. Then there was the creepy white haired guy. This guy had to be 15 years older than me, and insisted we play some Eminem song with explicit lyrics. We told him we'd ask the bride, and she said "NO". She's the boss, so he was out ofluck. He kept coming up, and asking us, and we kept putting him off. So towards theend of the night, we told him she denied him. He said he'd be back, with the bride, and she'd allow it. He was wrong. Nor did the groom, which was the first good decision he made in the marriage. Overall, it was a good time though. The people were really nice. The food ws great. The bride and groom seemed to make a great couple, and were also really nice.