cutekitty6969 Family Member Canadian C...'s blog: "Riddles"

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it,the more excited she gets,and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it. .... In one second the sharp lime taste hits... .... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says............ "Blow Job Revenge"

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive drinking of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, And asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce”? She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my Husband’s parents" He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one" "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!"

Two bored Vegas casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. An attractive blonde from California arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.... She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES!! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.... The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.... Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching...." MORAL - Not all Californians are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men....

I have a Labrador retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out and the woman behind me asked if I had a dog? On impulse, I told her no, but that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly the guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have to have help as he laughingly staggered to the door.

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL. THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND dRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE." THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!" "DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT? "WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER." HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH." " A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?" "WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW

By following this simple advice on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, abottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription,the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flyer miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers,how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do. "A discussion ensues! Finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.

A woman, in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed on her bed & squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while & asks, "Do you any idea how ridiculous u look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed & says, "I don't care, what you think. I just came from having a mammogram & the doctor says that not only am I healthy but I have the breasts of an 18yr old." The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?" The woman replies, "Your name never came up."

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick! ? Q.Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it! Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"? A. About three inches. Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip. Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 pounds. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow. Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A . They don't have balls to scratch!