cutekitty6969 Family Member Canadian C...'s blog: "misc"

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit. 2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself. 3. If You Drink Don't Park - Accidents Cause People. 4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon? 5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut. 6. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point. 7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better. 8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant. 9. Thank You For Pot Smoking. 10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing. 11. If At First You Don't Succeed, blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling. 12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings" 13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. 14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger. 15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger. 16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass. 17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me 18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home 19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha 20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me 21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time 22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult 23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? 24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name 25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway 26. Illiterate? Write For Help 27. Honk If Anything Falls Off 28. Cover Me; I'm Changing Lanes 29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit 30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person 31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool! 32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To 33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket? 34. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong... 35. Fight Crime: Shoot Back! 36. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep] 37. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph. 38. Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant] 39. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut? 40. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One. 41. Ax Me About Ebonics 42. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel 43. Boldly Going Nowhere 44. Cat: The Other White Meat 45. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde! 46. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That 47. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends 48. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window 49. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost? 50. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets. 51. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch 52. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It! 53. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom. 54. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN. 55. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets. 56. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. 57. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 58. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 59. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. 60. So you're a feminist... Isn't that precious. 61. I need someone really bad... Are you really bad? 62. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT THESE ARE ALL TRUE STORIES FROM EMERGENCY ROOMS AROUND THE COUNTRY: FEMALE SOFA----- A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. Eeewwwww..... PRICKLY PAIR----- OUCH! In Michigan , a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn,I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy. PING PONG ANYONE? ----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel (you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The concrete then hardened, (no sh*** Sherlock!), causing constipation and pain. Under general anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. (Boy - we live sheltered lives!) BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. (Oh my gosh!!!) OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (classy or what??). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go. And you thought YOU were having a bad day!!!! I'm still Laughing!!!!

Hello everyone I've been gone it seems like forever and probably has been almost a month. So much has gone on in my life and finding time for here is so very tough, but the itch has gotten me. I thank all my friends who have stopped by while i have been gone and appreciate it. If i missed any birthdays in the month of February and March well happy birthday to you all. My life seems to be going in a better direction now. When i joined here i was going through difficult times emotionally and work wise, however all has changed. I have found a man whom i love very much and appreciates me for me. Got a promotion at work and couldn't be more happier. Finally moved to a better part of town where no more hookers on my doorstep or hookers smoking crack beside the house. With the job i have its crazy and exhausting so needless to say have had a hard time coming on here, but just want all to know that i miss everyone and do appreciate those who do still stop by Take care all my wonderful friends

JUST CURIOUS TO SEE WHAT MY FRIENDS SIGN IS SO HERE GOES. I'M ARIES WOOT WOOT !!! VIRGO:. The Virgin Dominant in relationships. Sexy. someone loves them right now. Freak in bed. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Intellectual. Attractive. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Hard to forget Love at first sight. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. Ultimate sexiness. SCORPIO:. The sex addict Can be mean. EXTREMELY sexy. Intelligent. Energetic. Predict future. Most erotic. (Freak in bed.) (GREAT kisser.) Always get what they want. Sexy. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. The sexiest ever....Romantic. Caring. LIBRA:. The lame lover Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing n Bed..!!! Did I say Amazing in Bed? not the kind of person you want #### with... u might end up crying... the most irresistible. ARIES:. The hottie Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to #### with. Erotic. Funny. Take you on trips to the moon in bed. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY sexy. Loves being in long relationships. Addictive. Loud. best in bed. AQUARIUS:. Does it in the water Trustworthy. Sexy. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out. Amazing in bed, THE BEST LOVERS BETTER THAN EVERYONE! GEMINI:. Does Twosomes Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in bed. Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you the #### out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. ULTRA SEXY. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE. LEO:. The Lion in bed Great talker. Sexy and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at alot of things. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Great when found. CANCER:. The Cutie MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high sex appeal. Great in bed!!! Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Spontaneous. Great telling stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to. PISCES:. The Piece of ass Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. Too Sexy, DAMN IT. Very high sex appeal. Has the last word. The best to find, hardest to keep. Fun to be around. Freak in the sheets. Extremely weird but in a good way. Super good in bed. Good Sense of Humour!!! Thoughtful. A partner for life. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. CAPRICORN:. The passionate Lover Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irritable, awesome kisser. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. BY FAR the BEST in BED. Very sexy. Coolest. Loves to own Gemini's in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Loves to be your first. So you'll never forget. Smart. TAURUS The Tramp Aggressive. Freak in bed. Rare to find! Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Sexy as hell. Loves to help people in times of need. Outstanding kisser. Very funny. Awesome personality. Stubborn. Sexual as hell. Most caring person you will ever meet! One of a kind. Not one to #### with. Are the most sexiest people on earth! SAGITTARIUS:. The Sexy one Spontaneous. Horny. Freak in Bed. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. The one. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in Bed..!!! Did I say Amazing in Bed? Not the kind of person you want with you might end up crying.

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?" GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L" TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. ____________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give m e a sentence starting with "I." MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am." MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." _________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. ______________________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog. ___________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher

?? THE YEAR 1906?? This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1906. One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! Here are some statistics for the Year 1906: ************************************ The average life expectancy was 47 years. Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower! The average wage in 1906 was 22 cents per hour. The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME. Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard." Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason. Five leading causes of death were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. The population of Las Vegas , Nevada , was only 30! Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." ( Shocking? DUH! ) Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help. There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A. ! Now I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you and others all over the United States ,& Canada possibly the world, in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years. IT STAGGERS THE MIND, EH .?

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." 2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE." 3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." 4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY." 5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION." 6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED." 7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED." 8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED." 9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE." 10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED." 11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR." 12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a "BEER GUT! ! ! " - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY." 2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS." 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." 5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS." 6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL." 7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." 8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY." 9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED." 10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED." 11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job or are you just a......?" "Of course I have a job," snapped the woman. "I'm a Mom." "We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically. I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "What is your occupation?" she probed. What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. "Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?" Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, [what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money." There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom." Motherhood! What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door. Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" and great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"? I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants".

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. MENICILLIN Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. " BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. NAGAMENT When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.