cutekitty6969 Family Member Canadian C...'s blog: "misc"

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack. 1956 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack. 2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers. ++++++++++++++++++++++ Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled. 2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students. 1956 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class. 2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping. 1956 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school. 1956 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock. 2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. +++++++++++++++++++++++++ Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant. 1956 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers. 2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Scenario: Pedro fails high school English. 1956: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college. 2006 : Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English. +++++++++++++++++++++ Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed. 1956 - Ants die. 2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. +++++++++++++++++++++ Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him. 1956 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Is something wrong here????

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him. The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it. Signed, All Us Women

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987 . They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have always had an answering machine They have always had cable. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.! They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane". McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter Do you feel old yet?

We've all heard about guys having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below... GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or after sex doesn't count. 2. Real men drive stick 3. I will leave if you lie. 4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts) 5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when i have no reason to think so. 6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper into my ear. 7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look. 8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you. 9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her. 10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you. 11. I expect you to call me. 12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants. 13. I'm scared of losing my independance. 14. I'm more forgiving of you than I should be. 15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-dog-house-free card. 16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. 17.If i'm not having sex with you, having a fat day; not feeling "connected" to you; blackmailing you to get something I want. 18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not. 19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD and i'm not afraid to use it. 20. When I compare my tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing. 21. A man I love plans the occassional fancy-shmancy dress up sate and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies. 22. You look hot in hooded clothing items. 23. You should never tell me what to do. 24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast. 25. My breasts LOVE much licking and sucking. 26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes. 27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice. 28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead. 29. When in doubt, go with a shirt that matches your eye color. 30. I want to be Madonna. 31. Women get urinary tract infections. So watch (and wash) your finders. 32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand. 33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing stuff, wearing white T-shirts and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby. 34. I need to hear how you feel about me. OFTEN. Tell me now. 35. Suprises, especially gifts for ME = MORE LOVING. 36. I want to be the best thing that's ever hapened to you. And for you to recognize this. 37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking... 38. Discussion of ex-bf's and ex-gf's should be avoided at all costs. 39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking even if you don't know yourself. 40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points. I love it when you're sweaty. 42. It's best to consult your gal-pals for gift ideas. 43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses. 44. I like porn. 45. I love holding your ass in the palms of my hands. 46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public. 47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read... 48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat. 49. I remember EVERYTHING from our relationship. 50.You should know all this without me telling you

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple car payments. 8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield. 14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 16. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together. 18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 21. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER You may not know this but many non living things havea gender. Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's oftenover-inflated. A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part. Sponges are Female, because they're soft,squeezable and retain water. A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on. A Subway is Male, because it uses the same oldlines to pick people up. An Hourglass is Female, because over time, theweight shifts to the bottom. A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed muchover the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Test for Smart People.....I have determined that you qualify. >> >> >> >>The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question! >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? >> >> >>Wrong Answer. >> >> >>Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions. >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend? >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. >> Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities. >> >> >> >> >> >>4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it? >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. >> >> According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.