so yea i got fairly tipsy earlier tonight. so as i drove home in a drunken stuper i start to think once again. i got to thinking about something i said to someone about a month ago. what i said was i would rather have my integrity then be living a lie. yes, i would rather live a harder life then having to sell my soul and do something for a living that i hate. yes, i know im worth more and can do better then anything you can and will be. i will be a happy person living my life then living a lie and doing what you say is a normal life. so i say to you FUCK YOU!!!! this is directed to all those people that say i should be doing something other then what i want. when i had said i am happier to live freely then live a lie to my friend at the time he didnt quite understand it and thought i was being a dick. to a degree yes i was being a dick. i was mostly telling him that you are living a lie and im willing to stand up and do whatever i want and have the freedom to do shit and dont worry about what other think. i dont look over my shoulder for every action i take. i am free in more ways then most are. yes, tyler durden is god. and tricky just has a way with words that amaze me constantly. sometimes the words "i live the life they wish they did" make complete sense to me. i know i am able to do things and have experiences that most people can only dream of. and i have done some of these things already and i know there are more things coming. i know some people out there are better then me but i am still better then others and i want to be better then more. yes, i am a power hungry mother fucker. got a problem with that then fuck off.
why cant people fucking understand how i operate as a person. my best friend just cant understand how i can go so long without the comfort or love or compassion from a woman. i know that it has been a long time since i have shared the comfort of someone else. its been pretty much 5 years since ive been in a real relationship and been 8 months since i have even been on a date. thats 8 months since ive been excited about anyone really. except one person and she knows who she is but that is just a complicated thing that i dont wish to get into at this time. a few people know of this person and what i am talking about. and to them it is even confusing and even to me it is a bit. but i do get happy when i talk to this person and she knows it. today me and my best friend were in line at walmart picking up a few things and there was a kind of cute girl in a line over and he was kind of joking around saying did i want him to go get her number for me and all that shit. and of course me being the shy and timid person that i am of course said no. i havent told him about my policy of dating only models and photographers cause there is no way he could or would ever understand it. he does understand that i am more of a feminine type of person and that i do want a more stronger "butch" type of person. he just cant understand how i can be so old and live the style of life i do. yes i know i am a sad story for a person my age in the general sense. but more and more people my age are still living the same type and style of life i lead. no i am not a pioneer at everything i do. but i do know who i am and have a pretty good idea of what i want. some people know it and some dont. some people believe in me and some dont. it sucks when your own parents dont even believe in what you want to do. i have expressed to them quite a few times what i want to do and they just blow me off and think i am just dreaming again. what makes it worse is that my mom knows me more then my dad. she knows that i have been into fashion for a very long time since high school. and when i talk about it now she just thinks im being silly and wasting my time even talking about it. so i guess i can sum up all this random rambling with screw you all you none believers and go for your dreams and make them real. if you dont at least attempt them then you are wasting your own time and life. i would rather be a failure then a dreamer at life.
