corporate punk's blog: "mindless insanity"

ive always considered myself a fairly smart person.  i hated school for years.  i hated always being good in math and science.  i hated i couldnt read fast.  i hated i always had to try so much harder to learn something then my sister.  i found a love for learning in college when i could actually experience and learn about things i actually liked and be around other people that liked those same things.  i hated always being forced into roles in sports that i never wanted.  pushed and pulled in directions i never dreamed of.  i loved it when i became rebellious.  i enjoyed disappointing all the coaches telling them i was going to focus on art and not be on the team.  i loved it when my teachers in first block realized i had talent and would allow me to focus on other projects during their class.  i enjoyed my math teachers that let me sleep off my hangover knowing i would still get an A on the test.

i spent so much time trying to please others and my parents and be the good kid that they wanted that i lost out on a lot of social skills.  also growing up in a semi small town and never being the popular one.  being the outcast.  being the socially awkward kid sitting in the corner that could entertain himself because no one else understood me.  being picked on for years because we were poor.  being picked on because i followed my own drum and not everyone else's.  i look back and realize the only reason i didnt get into so many fights was because i towered over everyone not because i had any real strength.

i hated being so afraid of life at a young age that i spent years thinking about suicide.  a 10 year old shouldnt be thinking of those things.  hiding in my room during summer months hearing kids outside playing wishing i could join them but when you can barely make a friend in a neighborhood full of kids your own age is tough thats what you do.  long days spent playing with action figures creating stories in your head.  going to the library weekly to read about people that seem fascinating.  spending years wondering what do you have to do to make people like you and afraid to make anyone mad when you do think you made a friend.  only for all those relationships to disappear after a few years cause they have their own circles to join in and you get left behind.

going into young adulthood still never knowing how to properly communicate with others completely blows.  never knowing how to start a conversation.  never knowing how to read body language.  never knowing how to gauge the direction of a conversation.  always waiting for others to steer the ship.  being a natural leader and not knowing how to talk to others is a complete mind bender.  completing tasks and taking charge of situations when you werent the leader to begin with makes you out to be a complete dick  no matter what the outcome of the situation is.  being able to be first or win as a group is suppose to be a great thing.  being the dick that takes over and doesnt suggest what to do but tells others how to do it isnt the best idea.  being the outcast or last picked never feels great.  being able to tell the person in charge exactly how things will play out doesnt earn you good brownie points.  being able to see so many steps ahead being able to figure out the basic statistics of probable causes and informing others how they should of done things tends to make you last picked.  its never about skill its always about who you know.

being head strong and opinionated only worked for me as an adult.  but yet still to afraid to start a conversation with a stranger.  always fearing rejection.  always afraid someone wont like me.  always waiting for that moment for someone to start talking to me so i could spill out all my knowledge to someone to impress them.  with men it was never a big deal.  love me or hate i dont care but you will walk away with one of those opinions.  there will be no grey area.  women have always been and always will be that elusive beast.  never knowing how to talk to one.  always afraid to try.  the few times ive been lucky to keep one around for longer than a week i never know how to act.  i struggle to be myself and to be able to keep them happy.  one part always takes over and never have that healthy balance.

the awkward kid in the corner is always there.  always showing up in every situation.  is my art ever good enough for all to like.  is my writing ever powerful enough to reach out to all that could need it.  how can i make people happy and lead them to what they deserve when all i can do is hide in my box hoping that someone comes along to save me.  someone to hold my hand and walk me out into the sunshine and show me its ok.  let me know im making a difference.  kicking me in the ass to push me to my full potential.  i can be helpful to those that need it.  i can help those who suffer.  i know what the struggle feels like because i live it every day as well.  i want to push all those other shy awkward kids that can be special but feel beaten down.  tell all those in need to let their drum beat loud and hard.  make your own path.  suffer through hard times they will make you stronger.  those times are what will push you later in life.  dont fall in line and make your own path.  be weird and let others follow you.  for when that happens the people around you will truly love you for you not be the fake cookie cutter people that you couldnt be as a kid.

why must it be so hard to have something real? why cant i find someone that wants to spend time with me? i want someone to keep me excited. keep me interested. too feel someones touch. to feel someones love. to feel someones passion. i want to connect with someone mind and be tested. yet all i do is wonder around this world alone and bored. lazy and unmotivated to follow my passion. staying positive when my mind tries to force me back down the rabbit hole of depression. stay afloat dont sink down. keep remembering what once was to stay afloat. keep remembering what was nice and good to be accepting something real when it may happen to pop up. the real genuine smile to brighten the day. the hello to spark your mind. the kiss to light the fuse of creativity. the dinner to expand your mind. the laugh to grow your confidence. to find something real in a space that all you find is fake and lies is difficult. did i just build my own solitary confinement or am i on my own mountain that no one can reach?

That smile brings so much joy and sunshine into my life. That smile makes me feel alive. That smile drives me crazy. That smile is the reason I do what I do. That smile makes my heart beat. That smile makes my blood boil. That smile is my portal to your joy.

The way you stare at me. I see the daze I put you in. I see your brain processing all the thoughts and feelings I give you. Those eyes can see my soul. They can see into me like no one else. Those eyes show me your care. Those eyes show me your love. Those eyes show me your passion you have for me.

love lost love found.  ive found love in many different places with a few different women over the last few years.  im still around 2 of the women that ive loved.  im still in love with them.  one i have a beautiful cosmic connection to that no matter what we both keep crossing paths.  we may not be with each other but hopefully the universe will allow it to happen one day in the future.  the other i want to be with but have to many issues with.  but there is still hope that it can work.  it makes me feel somewhat comfortable knowing the women i love are there somewhere near by but sad at the same time because i cant be with any of them to have that comfort for happiness.

Feelings feelings feelings.  I hate having them.  I wish things didn’t have to be so complicated and make them come to the surface.  Things are so much easier without having to deal with them.  But that is never the case and never the way to deal with anything.  I guess I write this to express all these feelings that keep clouding my mind and make my life difficult.  Getting them out can help deal.  Getting them out allows them to exit my mind and free up the space for more useful things.  Get them out anywhere but to the person they are directed at.  Telling and expressing myself to the person that causes all this pain and grief is something I consider a waste of time.  They do not really care.  They may say they are sorry but they have no intention to help pass these things onto to a place where they can disappear and make things better.  Just as if someone that says they care for you and never really check on you or make sure things are ok.  True friends are something held in such great demand and respect to me.  Either you’re a friend or an acquaintance.  There really is no middle ground.  There are varying degrees of friendship but really its my good friends that are always there for me and I can talk to.  Not always cancelling plans or never doing anything to help when I reach out for help.  Being a strong individual but having so many insecurities and needing approval of others when I shouldn’t is such a moral dilemma.  Being in a relationship with someone knowing that you have screwed up and they shouldn’t be with you but you are glad they didn’t leave but can never get over what you did is so damn hard.  Feeling so helpless because you know the balance of everything you believe in is someone else hands and they cant trust you can make you crumble.  You cant be the same person you know you should be.  Not controlling your own fate or not allowing yourself to overcome your own guilt to allow the person you are with to know that changes have been made and you will be better than before and be the person they fell in love with is very diminishing.  Knowing you are a strong person a natural leader and failing to hold a relationship together makes you check your own self worth.  I know in the big picture im a good person.  I know I can be amazing.  I know I can make a name for myself in the world.  Can I let my pride not get in the way or my own personal beliefs block what I need to do, not sure.  I am my own limitation in so many ways.  I wont let my guard down or let my own beliefs stand down to rise up and be better then what im doing to reach the great heights that I want.  Ive let fear and doubt take control and rule my life.  The moments of clarity are amazing.  So much knowledge floods in.  then doubt comes into the picture and closes all doors and doesn’t allow new ideas in.  I have no idea how to control the fear.  I’m still battling the insecurities of childhood.  The cool popular kids are still pushing me down.  I know most of the time they are doing it out of fear.  Some do it to make me stronger.  If I overcome any of it I know I will grow, learn, and be better from it but fear is always there to stand on top of the hill and knock me down constantly.  Ive tasted success and want more of it but I don’t have the support to overcome the constant questioning of am I doing a good job.  Seeking constant approval has been a lifelong problem and trust goes right there with it.  I don’t have those supportive people around.  Building a new life from scratch and not having those people around is so damn scary.  Being anti-social and very picky about who my friends are makes things so damn difficult.  I can overcome it just have to push fear to the side.  Fear likes to ruin my life.  I still hold onto secrets ive discovered about people that they don’t know I know.  I’m so afraid of confrontation.  I just want to get all these bad things out of my head.  I want to find like minded people so share with.  I want to have good open conversations to explore and grow.  I don’t want to build relationships on lies anymore.  Living a sustainable near the bottom life is what I know.  Its what I have done and what I know.  Ive had moments of greatness and shining bright.  But, I no longer want to be at the bottom of the barrel.  I want to be near the top.  I want average to be in the high middle.  

So I've been single since july. The reason for the break up not so important but mostly my fault. I'm accepting of it. But knowing someone for 5 years you would think someone would know you and be able to understand why you are mad at them. Not in my case.  I thought I would be able to maybe salvage a friendship out of it in a few months when a lot of our bs was done and over with. But after some serious thinking and realization I know this will not be possible.  It break me up to know someone I thought that gets me knows nothing. I'm terrible at meeting and finding new people. I'm in a hard spot cause I moved here for her and met noone. And now I'm here by myself trying and fighting to stay when everyone from back home is begging me to come back.  It's a daily struggle to not run back east and be around everything I know. I'm desperate for a special friend. I want need people to hang out with and in desperate need for someone to have some extra fun with. It drives me nuts every day.

its kinda funny when you look back at a failed relationship.  and any relationship that ends is a fail.  so looking back i see so many things i did wrong or just didnt do.  its hard to decide do i try to fix things and be better where i failed to repair and get back what i had or keep the course and move on.  i just sit and wonder and try usually try not to think of these things for it makes me sad and even more depressed. 

the stupidity and ignornace of people just amazes me.  i get sick sometimes of working in a place where i have to deal with the general public all the time.  i wonder how people make it through life.  maybe truly ignorance is bliss.  being blind to any common sense or how things should be but arent done because it doesnt fit into your tiny nonexsist world.  speakerphone is a tool for the fucking reatrded at times.  it works nice for when your driving and have to talk to someone.  it is not a means to handle business transactions.  do not order things with speaker phone.  every damn time i talk to someone they consistantly cut in and out and can always never hear them.  my favorite thing is when i can hear my own voicce over them.  only use that crap for friends. 

i really want to just write about my own personal problems but as i get ready to write i get the overwhelming feeling i dont want to share them. 

I’m so sick of fake ass people.  We all know these people.  We all tolerate these people to a certain degree in our lives.  But everyone knows someone that can never shut up, won’t let you answer their own question, always has to tell a better story then you.  These are the people that wonder the streets continuously speaking gibberish loud enough for everyone to hear.  Aimlessly going through life thinking everything they do or say carries such great importantance and will change your life.   These people are the ones filling the streets causing most accidents and the same dumb fucking retards that have to stop and look at every damn accident to see every detail.  These are same people that listen, call and believe every single stupid dumb thing they hear on talk radio.  The dumb fuck I speak of is someone I work with.  He was on the front lines of the war as a gunner.  I enjoy teasing him saying the dumb ones are the first ones.  The smart ones are in the back telling you what to do.  Am I thankful for the people that went and served so I didn’t have to.. yes.  But this is also someone that truly believes that the government is now going to take every gun out of our own hands.  This is someone that has no idea of what a militia is and really how powerful and numerous they are.  He doesn’t believe that an action like that would start a second civil war.  He doesn’t think the American people could organize and make a movement.  The all mighty military will protect us from such a thing.  This is a person that when he comes into work he has another dumb video he found on youtube because that is all he has to look forward to in life.  This dumbfuck fucked his dumbfuck ex-wife and I’m sure has created another dumbfuck kid.  Even though idiocracy is a funny movie there is quite a bit of truth to it.  Smart people see it.  Dumb people just laugh continuously. I sure as hell don’t have all the answers but im not running around speaking loudly and telling everyone I see Bigfoot is real they found his toenail.  Bigfoot lives in Arizona how cool is that?   Maybe im a just getting bitter as time goes on.  Maybe I just know that there are so many possibilities that Im not going to put all my pebbles on some half-ass idea that I know nothing about.  Maybe I should just believe everything I hear cause I don’t want to read or anyone that can put a video together on youtube has all the answers.  Maybe stupid people have a key to life.  They can live life carefree from major worries.  Maybe they aren’t worried about the future because they cant think that far ahead in life.  Maybe everyday is a good day cause they feel alive.  Maybe smart people are the right ones because they have goals.  They are the ones with plans. They are the ones building the world.  Creating the world in which we live in, creating all the silly little things of crap that the dumb people need or have to have.  Do we need both in the world… yes.  A world full of smart people always thinking and doing but no one truly being a mass consumer the world would fail.  These people are needed.  But maybe they should be tagged or branded.  Wouldn’t it be easier if you met someone saw the idiot brand and new right away they are useless to you?  Maybe assign a number to them and they must be within a certain variable to communicate with others.  A social hierarchy yes but be able to move within the ranks.  The class system has never vanished with history just relabeled it stamp a government sticker on it and its good for a new generation of people.  Why not add mental capacity to it as well.