CKG's blog: "Ramblings of a bored individual"

Go See Pete Ask Him Who Kim Is And Tell Him It's Not A Good Idea To Dial While Drunk.. If you wanna know why just ask.. boston pete

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Why We Love Children 1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ???" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it did n't move." 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad.." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later....."Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'" 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm A mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dea r," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." 6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?" 7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine..." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son i n math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." 10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" 11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake ... The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, my mom already told me and I'm gonna get bigger boobies too."

1. Sex is best in the morning, afternoon, or night? um, all of the above. 2. What side of the bed do you sleep on? depends on where i end up. i'm kinda wild in bed! not like that, *wink* 3. Pork, Beef, or Chicken? well considering i LOVE to eat, i like pork, beef and chicken. 4. Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke? probably. if i'm throwing up then that means that i'm HEAVILY intoxicated and i won't remember it the next day anyways. 5. What leg do you put in pants first when putting them on? i guess my right. 6. Candles or Incense? candles. 7. Do you dance when no one is watching? oh my do i? and absolutely love it. watch out....here comes the robot. 8. Did you play doctor when you were little? well i like having control of the stethoscope. 9. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money? why do you ask? 10. Stove top cooking or microwave? stove top biatches. and i looooove to cook. 11. Would you rather your car or your house be dirty? truck. and it IS filthy 12. Shower or bath? golden shower. psyche! 13. Do you pee in the shower? well no. 15. Mexican or Chinese food? Chinese. i'm a fucking ninja....why wouldn't i like Chinese? 16. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed? be aggressive....B-E-aggressive 17. Do you love someone on your top friends list! yesssssssssssssss....all of em' 18. Do you own sex toys? thumper...te-he 19. Corn Dogs or Hot Dogs? both. 20. Your favorite restaurant? Oyster House. NOTHING COMPARES, NOTHING COMPARES...TO YOU! 21. What did you have for lunch today? soup & salad 22. Which do you prefer, iceberg or romaine lettuce? i like em' the same. 23. When did you last fall down? Friday night...so i heard. 24. Have you ever wished someone were dead? um, do i wish someone was dead? 25. Love or Money? well, this is a trick question isn't it? 26. Credit Cards or cash? same isn't it? well cash doesn't have an interest rate, so yea, CASH 27. Has there ever been anyone in your family you wish wasn't? uh, yep! 28. Oreos or Vanilla Wafers? i like wafers. 29. How do you like your steak cooked? medium well. sure as hell don't like it alive! 30. How do you like your eggs cooked? scrambled or fried. 31. Have you ever knocked someone off their feet in a fight? not that i can remember, but i have been told that! 32. Would you rather go camping or to a 5 star hotel? camping.......definitely 33. Would you rather have a root canal or minor surgery? neither, thanks. 34. Would you shave your entire body (including your head) for money? sure, i guess. hair will grow back 35. This was a f'd up Question moving right along 36) What is your favorite fruit candy? um, i dunno...fruit roll-ups. is that a candy? 37) Ever been to a strip club? fuckin right. a trip is overdue too! 38) Ever been to a bar? can't say that i have??? 39) Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club? well no. but that's probably only because i've never been to one. 40) Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere? oh gawd...yep! 41) Kissed someone of the same sex? ppppppppppffffffff....can you repeat the question? 42) Thrown up from drinking too much? well yea. didn't i cover this in my answer to question 4? 43) Had sex in the car? yes. 44) Had sex at the beach? yes. 45) Had sex in a movie theater? hell no. i'm really not white trash. 46) Had sex in a bathroom yes. 47) Had sex at work? not yet. 48) Have you ever been in an "adult" store? yes. 49) Bought something from an adult store? yes i have. 50) Have you spent over $200.00 in one visit to the adult store? i don't think i would go that far in an adult store. 51) Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with? um, i think so. 52) Have you been caught having sex? yes. my very first time too. 54) Have you ever kissed a stranger? uh huh. 55) Does anyone have naughty pics of you? well as a matter of fact they do. [Play Girl] ;)

1. What part of the South are you from? Alabama 2. When is the last time you were there? Now 3. Have you ever dated one of your cousins? Hell No 4. Have you ever visited neighbors barefoot? Yes 5. Do you know anyone in the Ku Klux Klan? I use to 6. Would you leave the South? Probably not... 7. Did you grow up in a trailer? No 8. Did you graduate High School? yes 9. Do you believe in God? yes he gets me thru each day 10. How old were you when you went fishing for the first time? maybe 5 or 6. i love to fish 11. Have you ever been hunting? Yes 12. How often do you drink sweet tea? not often, too much sugar 13. Do you own a confederate flag? No 14. Do you hangout in walmart for fun? No 15. Have you ever stolen a road sign? No 16. Have you ever milked a cow? Yes 17. Are you under 30 with 4 or more children? No 18. Have you ever killed an animal for dinner? No 19. Are you for the death penalty? yes 20. Do you own a gun? yes 21. Do you sleep with it under your pillow? by my bed 22. Do you have a member of the family referred to as Bubba? Yes 23. Do you dip tobacco? Hell No 24. Have you ever skinny dipped? Yes..... what good memories

FOOD FOR THOUGHT What if... 1. I died: 2. I kissed you on the lips: 3. I lived next door to you: 4. You found out I was married: 5. I stole something: 6. I was hospitalized: 7. I refused to leave my home: 8. I got into a fight while you were there: 9. Personality: 10. Eyes: 11. Hair: 12. Lips: 13. Family: WOULD YOU 14. Help me hide a body? 15. Keep a secret if I told you one? 16. Hold my hand? 17. Take a bullet for me? 18. Try to solve my problems? 19. Love me? 20. Date me? 21: Get freaky with me? HAVE YOU EVER 22. Lied to make me feel better? 23. Wanted to kiss me? 24. Wanted to kill me? 25. Broken my heart? 26. Kept something important from me? 27. Thought I was unbearably annoying? 28. Who are you? 29. Are we friends? 30. When and how did we meet? 31. Describe me in three words: 32. What was your first impression? 33. Do you still think that way about me now? 34. What reminds you of me? 35. If you could give me anything, what would it be? 36. How well do you know me? 37. When's the last time you saw me? 38. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?

Life And Growth Semper Fi (Always Faithful) ‘Semper Fi’ is short for ‘Semper Fidelis’ – Latin for ‘Always Faithful’. If you’re sharp, you’ll notice that our modern equivalent for a faithful characteristic, fidelity, and it’s opposite, infidelity, derive from this word. ‘Semper Fi’ is a common phrase used in American Culture – particularly in the United States Marine Corp. ‘Semper Fi’ signifies the ‘dedication and loyalty that individual Marines are expected to have for “Corps and Country”, even after leaving the service’. While its meaning is a bit protracted in some circumstances, the sentiment behind it is certainly special. However, I think a lot of people are inspired by it for the wrong means. Just like the Marines of America are expected to show undying faith to a Corporation whose values and views shift and move as the group of people who run it change, I think people can sometimes become faithful for the wrong reasons – and undying faith can sometimes become blind faith. I used to have this problem with my friendships – I wasn’t willing to stand up to them if they were hurting me in anyway. That seemed, to me, like a direct violation of the trust, loyalty and mutual faith our friendship was based on – and I didn’t want to commit to such an action and consequence. So I would often stay quiet when I felt my friends were getting out of control – I would feel guilty if I made my feelings known. It always died down but it never did me any good for my sense of confidence. I think a few people are in this position. But if you’re stuck in this position, you yourself are perpetuating the problem. That sounds crazy but think of it this way – why don’t you just drop your friends and get new ones? Some people will nod in agreement to such an idea – some people will wince. But the truth is that those people who don’t want to leave their country, or their friends, or their current partner do so because they’ve misconceived the concept of what ‘Semper Fi’ is actually about. You can either be faithful to one of two things – people or values. The choices are mutually exclusive. If you’re faithful to people, you’ll end up spending your time with evolving, maturing and ever-changing human beings, whose values shift and change as time passes by. At times they might be pleasant, at other times they might treat you with disrespect or with dishonesty. And likewise you can’t commit to values and expect to keep the exact same group of friends as your life progresses. A lot of people would argue that both of these choices are equally valuable – that undying faith to values and undying faith to a group of people are both choices that have their fair merits. However I think I have to disagree with this view – simply because of the fact that undying faith to a person is a value in itself. When you first become loyal to a group of people what is it about them that attracts you in the first place? Who are your best friends at the moment? A lot of my friends share similar values to me – and that is what drove me to become friends with them in the first place. I have a group of friends who all share a belief in peace, honesty, respect and loyalty. But over the last year I’ve lost a fair few friends – Luke, Jonny, Kayleigh – who have all changed their values in a direction that I am not aligned with. This isn’t a problem for me – I simply replaced them with people who did have respect for the values I believed in. Ultimately I was much happier with the people I had chosen. After all I doubt I could have spent much time with Luke or Jonny without wincing. I’ll tell you about it someday… What do you personally feel is more important in your life – the values of a person or the label they have attached to them? Do you want to be faithful to someone because they’re honest, loyal, generous, compassionate and kind? Or do you want to be faithful to someone simply because they’re your friend? “I’ve known them for 4 years – how could I possibly stop the friendship now?!” The truth of the matter is that you don’t really know them anymore – they’ve changed. Their inner compass is pointing in a different direction to yours now and if you remain loyal to them you too will end up being dragged down that path – probably against your own will. Where does your faith lie? Do you want to spend the rest of your life living everything you stand for – or changing to fit the expectations of your current group of friends? In other words, do you want to be yourself, or just what your friends want you to be? Are you satisfying your personal expectations, or just your friends? And is this what you truly want? Societal conditioning fits us into this bill from a young age. Even outside of the army people often quell their true feeling to just be a part of the ‘flock’. It seems strange to me, and even a little worrying, that music, identity, fashion, social standing, money, clothes and popularity are given greater precedence to things such as honesty, loyalty, joy, purpose, courage and passion. The truth is though that this is just a result of the human condition – our desire to satisfy our worries and concerns by drowning them out with distractions, normally distractions that serve the purpose of drawing attention away from us. The result of this is a society of people who prefer to down a pint then live a purpose. A society so self-absorbed with appearance, that they refuse to develop what lies beneath the surface. A society who treats sex as just an exercise in pleasure, without seeing it as the greatest spiritual unity between two human beings. A society who chases what everyone else is doing, as opposed to their own interests. A society willing to swallow the shallow and insignificant stories of the celebrity world, instead of writing their own stories. In that sense, the value of human life is set to the default of sticking to the times. Where the herd goes we naturally follow. And at the moment the herd is running itself off a cliff… In what way do you use ‘Semper Fi’? Do you have internal values that you stick to no matter what? Or is your value set to the default of ‘follow the leader’ or more accurately, ‘follow the herd’. Do your friends give you peace because they make you feel ‘normal’ – or do you give yourself peace because you have pride and dignity in your actions? Do you value life or acceptance? And did you make this choice consciously – in other words, did you choose it because it felt personally aligned with you as a person – or did society fill it in for you? Every important gap you have in your life will be filled in by the surrounding environment you live in. If you don’t have a purpose you chose, you’ll likely end up in an unfulfilling and uninspiring job. If you don’t have values that you chose, you’ll likely end up chasing the dreams of other people. Do you want to perpetuate this cycle? Do you want a label that looks good on you and draws other label-wearing idiots towards you? Or do you want an inspiring purpose, a passion you live everyday, a focus that never dies down in you and a reason for your existence? Do you want to be honest, generous, kind, compassionate and internally peaceful? Where does your ‘Semper Fi’ lie? In you and the values you live by – or the fake value of social acceptance? Ultimately when you recognise that loyalty to friends is really loyalty to a value – you then have the one option. The space that you then have to explore is vast – but at least it is now focused in only one place. And most people move away from social acceptance. After all what is more inspiring in this life then waking up to a world, ready to live and fulfil your passion? When I place social acceptance alongside passion, the choice is obvious. When I place money and materialism alongside purpose, the choice is obvious. When I place my appearance alongside my spiritual nature, the choice is obvious. I think for a lot of people the choice is obvious as well. However I also think that people are so heavily ingrained in the way of life they’ve been brought up in, that they can’t think to find something new for themselves. They invent excuses like “People will think I’m weird,” or “I’m fairly sure my life is good how it is,” or even “At least this way I can be ‘normal’”. If you think these thoughts though it just shows how weak you truly are – that you would define your life by the pre-existing boundaries and limits that you’ve grown up with. ‘Normal’ people don’t want a purpose, don’t live their passion and don’t think of bettering themselves everyday. They’re too afraid to go out there and explore what lies beyond the barriers of social convention. The general idea is that if the majority of the human race believe it, it must be correct. 30 years ago, everybody smoked. There was so much smoking going on – that these ‘normal’ people saw it and decided to jump on the bandwagon. “Everybody does it – it must be the right thing to do”. Those people are either now dead, or live in fear of lung cancer, emphysema, throat cancer and many other diseases. They sacrificed their health just to be ‘normal’. Does that seem like a fair trade to you? Do you want to wake up in 10 years time and find yourself no further on in your life then you were when you first started? Do you want to wake up alone in a bed, or with someone you’re not truthfully happy with? Do you want to have an unfulfilling and uninspiring job? Do you want to be addicted to alcohol, nicotine, sugar and fat? Do you want to have no self-respect, no dignity, no control, no foreseeable improvements in your future? Are you faithful to yourself and to your personal values or to the lies manufactured by societal conditioning? Where does your ‘Semper Fi’ lie? Written By: Allec Gullon

Redneck medical terms Artery......................The study of paintings. Benign......................What you be after you be eight. Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria. Barium......................What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty. Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her. Colic.......................A sheep dog. Coma........................A punctuation mark. D&C.........................Where Washington is. Dilate......................To live long. Enema.......................Not a friend. Fester......................Quicker than someone else. Fibula......................A small lie. Genital.....................Non-Jewish person. G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball. Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on. Impotent....................Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane. Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates. Node........................I knew it. Outpatient..................A person who has fainted. Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test. Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative..............A letter carrier. Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery. Rectum......................Darn near killed him. Secretion...................Hiding something Seizure.....................Roman emperor. Tablet......................A small table. Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport. Tumor.......................More than one. Urine.......................Opposite of you're out Varicose....................Near by

Top Four Adult Jokes Fourth Place: A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------- Third Place : One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------ Runner Up: Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------- Winner: A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

Teaching Manners A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

Like the way you think Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?" Little Johnny:- "None Miss". Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?" Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away". Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking." Little Johnny:- "Miss, while were asking questions, could I ask you one?" Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then" Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?" Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one." Little Johnny:- "Well Id have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."