CKG's blog: "Ramblings of a bored individual"

Stupid Questions 1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress? 2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth? 3. Why cant woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed? 4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say "hi, my names Bob. Im an alcoholic"? 5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit? 6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside? 7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer? 8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date? 9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat? 10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think ill squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"? 11. What do people in China call their good plates? 12. If the professor on Gilligans Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why cant he fix a hole in a boat? 13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? Theyre both dogs. 14. What do you call male ballerinas? 15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream? 16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesnt he buy his dinner? 17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker? 18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from? 20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong? 21. Why is it that when someone tells you that theres billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you theres wet paint somewhere you have to touch it? 22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass? 23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

Men are Happier Men are just simply happier people, and here is why... Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car Mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You dont have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes dont cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all of your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier!

Job Descriptions 1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didnt happen today. 3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. 4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. 5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didnt know you had in a way you dont understand. 6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isnt there. 7. A topologist is a someone who doesnt know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut. 8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." 9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. 10. A professor is one who talks in someone elses sleep. 11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. 12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast of the Night". She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come

What Do You Do All Day? A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty "food boxes and wrappers" strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house... and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry-way, he found an even bigger mess.... A lamp had been knocked over (broken), and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room... the TV was loudly blaring a "cartoon channel", and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of children's clothing. In the kitchen... dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter-top, the refrigerator door was wide open, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something rather serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water, as it made its way out from under the bathroom door. As he peered inside, he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor... Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap, and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, there he found his wife... still curled up in the bed In her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her, bewildered, and asked, "What the hell happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work, and you ask me what in the world I do all day?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well... today I didn't do it." Send this page to another woman (many women). ....Priceless!!

For you foreigners, Chili Cookoffs are a tradition in Texas and you haven't lived until you have enjoyed one. If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. (I've read this probably 5 times and it never fails to reduce me to tears of laughter ). Hope it does the same for you!!! If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have f ree beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecard notes from the event: ***************************************************** CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI... Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. ***************************************************** CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI... Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. ***************************************************** CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI... Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, but now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. ************************************************* **** CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC... Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? ***************************************************** CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER... Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. ***************************************************** CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY... Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. ***************************************************** CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI... Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. ***************************************************** CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI ... Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 -- No Report

WORD OF CAUTION!!! Go to the bathroom before reading, THIS WILL CRACK YOU UP!!!! STUN GUN (Only a guy would do this!) Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel & compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected & my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. Mybent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock.

Top 6 Smartass Answers SMARTASS ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied. SMARTASS ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." SMARTASS ANSWER #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." SMARTASS ANSWER #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMARTASS ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." SMARTASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

The average person only gets 7 correct. This is based on U.S. info, so use all lobes of your brain. This can be more difficult than it looks - it just shows how little most of us really see! There are 25 questions about things we see every day or have known about all our lives. How many can you get right? These little simple questions are harder than you think Put your thinking caps on. No cheating! No looking around! No getting out of your chair! No using anything on or in your desk or computer! Can you beat 23?? (The average is 7) Write down your answers as you go. Check answers (on the bottom), AFTER completing all the questions. REMEMBER - NO CHEATING!!! BE HONEST!!! That means no looking at your phone or anything on your desk... LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU RE ALLY ARE. Here we go! 1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom? 2. How many states are there in the USA ? (Don't laugh, some people don't know) 3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch? 4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label? 5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them? 6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg? (Don't you dare get up to see!) 7. How many matches are in a standard pack? 8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white? 9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? 10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise? 11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run ? 12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial? 13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons? 14. Which way do fans rotate? 15 How many sides does a stop sign have? 16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side? 17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel? 18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil? 19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing? 20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package? 21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark? 22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats? 23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits? 24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip? 25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise? ANSWERS 1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom? BOTTOM 2. How many states are there in the USA ? (Don't laugh, some people don't know) 50 3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty 's torch? RIGHT 4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell 's soup label? BLUE, RED, WHITE, YELLOW, BLACK & GOLD 5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them? 1, 0 6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg? RIGHT 7. How many matches are in a standard pack? 20 8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white? RED 9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? 88 10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise? CLOCKWISE (NORTH OF THE EQUATOR) 11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run? TOWARDS BOTTOM RIGHT 12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial? 12 (no #1) 13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons? LEFT 14. Which way do fans rotate? CLOCKWISE AS YOU LOOK AT IT 15 How many sides does a stop sign have? 8 16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side? LEFT 17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel? 5 18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil? 6 19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing? BASHFUL 20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package? 8 21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark? ACE OF SPADES 22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats? LEFT 23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits? * , # 24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip? 3 25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise? COUNTER

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end,be afraid that it will never begin.