Ice Queen's blog: "Poems"

Fair thee well my own true love. It's time I finally let you go. This dream I have nurtured for so long. Has finally set me free. My heart is broken. Lying shattered on the floor. From the journey love has lead me on. Bad choices as mistakes are made. Believing what they say. Naive no matter what the age. My heart it fell so easily. Yearning for that true love every girls dream. Slowly and painfully realizing it's not meant for me. Each and every failed attempt leading me closer to this time and place. Feeling used, abused, and tossed aside. Did they ever truly care? Or was it just me imagining what could never really be. I am not innocent in all these miss deeds. I willingly take responsibility. For the thing's I have brought upon myself. As I stare at the state of my heart. Not caring that it's fallen apart. I examine the pieces. Seeing parts of old relations. I had forgotten. Watching beautiful moments of those I love. Pass before my eyes, tears stream down my cheeks. Falling to mingle with parts that scared my heart. I look away trying to lock up the emotions. Reawakened by the images before my eyes. I turn and walk away. Willing to leave my heart and special dream. To try and salvage what's left of me. Not enough time left in life to waste. Which makes it easier to leave in haste. Turning my back on thing's that were such a waste. Wanting something that could never be. I walk away weeping for the true loves. That will never be.

I confess to having many lovers. I confess to craving for my lovers lips. To having found more ecstasy in passion, then in prayer. I confess to pray still for my loves warm embrace. To have him in me fulfilling the very core of me. I confess to having yearned for the fire to be set ablaze. I confess to having known love, and in knowing it. Known that I have received it as well. I confess to many things here. Yet I repent nothing. I took the only life that was offered me. You have damned me were I stand. But there is no penance for my crime. Because I have only committed one, and neither you nor God can forgive it. I confess to having love and throwing it aside. For the want of men. Fearing more being owned by one man, then shared by many. I ask no forgiveness from your hypocrisy. I have confessed to being many things. To having welcomed men into my arms and bed. For the sake of loving love. Yet not loving the man. You all of you who have power. Cower from what you see in me. A women that controls her own fate, and embraces power with love. I yield unto nothing and no one. I do ask for forgiveness but not from you. I ask it from the man I loved. For not giving him the chance to prove his love to me. I have one last confession before you sentence me. I confess to having loved my life, even with all it's mistakes. To not wanting one second to be different. For if it was I would not be Me.

I have these dreams of life and death This body is all that's left Put me in casket or throw me in the sea But whatever you do don't cry over me. Burn the picture's of me to get rid of your pain I can't take it anymore I'm going insane I was held prisoner in my own mind I was chained down through the passage of time. That iron ball at the end of the chain Is slowly but surly driving me insane So throw me in a dungeon and throw away the key Because the world doesn't need anybody, anybody like me. My spirit is slowly floating away My feelings are to hurt to stay The world is through here comes the end The blood rushes out of my veins as I cut myself again. I'm dying, Dying everyday My world is cautiously fading away So I leave you now with the smoke of a gun Death as we know it has now begun.

Every time I walk into a room. I can feel your presence, before I even see you. Since my heart begins to race, and the palm of my hands break out in a cold sweat. I tremble at the thought of being close to you. As an unseen force draws us together. I am able to see the different flecks of color. Hidden in the depths of your eyes. I can feel the anticipation of what might be between us. As we move ever closer. When suddenly I realize it's not really you I see. Only your reflection. Is in the mirror staring back at me. I turn frantically searching the room. Trying to find you in the crowd. As I turn back towards the looking glass. I see you standing their with your arms out stretched. Beckoning me forward, my hand connects with the cool surface of your impression. Our fingers touching, without any warmth. Recognizing that we are so close, yet miles apart all in the same instant. I become over whelmed with despair. While everything inside me rages. For me to break the glass. That keeps us separate from one another. Yet fearing that shattering the mirror. Will cause you to disappear from my hemisphere. But the longer I look at your reflection. The more sorrow creeps into my heart. As my hand clenches into a fist. My arm swings towards the glass. I am jerked awake. Shivering in the throws of a cold sweat. My body quaking, while my mind fathoms the fact that I am alone. You are not here with me. As I recognize this dream for the torture, that it is. I know you are always with me. Yet we seem destined to always and forever be apart. As this pain clutches my heart, and sorrow begins to settle in my gut. Eternally contemplating this my biggest shame. I can't wait for the day to end. So that I may have the pleasure of seeing your sweet face once again.

My mind is turned inside out. Can't form a coherent thought. These pains in my chest. My breath I can't seem to catch. This vice around my heart. Emotions trapped inside a cage made of ice. I am lost inside myself. Hiding from what I can't escape.Stumbling around in this drug induced daze. All the time wondering. Can I pick up the broken pieces of my life? To make it right? Yet uncertainty's and insecurity's. Make me doubt if I can ever make it good again. A path paved in shattered dreams. Lined with crystallized teardrops. Traveled by only me. Am I strong enough to let someone walk beside me? Or will I continue to walk alone. Questions swirling around all the time. Enveloping my mind. Desperately trying to clasp the answers. Fluttering just beyond my grasp. Where do I belong? Is there a place, that I can call home? Or am I forever destined to roam? Because this fear of having my heart laid bare. From the anguish of unkept promises. The sins committed by lover's past. Have scarred my soul. The marks ingrained so deep. They never seem to give me peace. As all new contestants pay the price. Fighting to get past arms length restraint. I know they want me to let them in. Yet here I remain behind my self arrected walls. Closed off, never trusting, and always keeping people at bay. While I keep myself locked up and boxed in. Only allowing people to see glimmering flashes of the real me. Pondering the intricacies of trust. Forever doubting that I am fully capable of trusting someone else. I sit back and bide my time. Patiently waiting for the other shoe to drop. Expecting everything to go wrong, and end in pain and strife. Constantly wondering if my low expectations. Then turn into manifestations. Do I doom every relationship before it starts? Am I that devil staring out at me. From the looking glass. Can I be my own worst enemy? Or is it possible to brush aside the ashes, and find beneath the rubble. That once in a lifetime, sweep you off your feet. Forever kind of love. Yearning for that unconditional love that never fades away. Steadily standing against that unrelenting test of time.

I wish I could end it all. To cease this bleak existence, and live no more. Kill my body and my soul. Cause I don't want to live anymore. Death the greatest joy. That will never come. It seems that we search for pleasure between life and death. Yet pleasure never comes. So I search for nothing. Nothing seems like it's worth searching for anymore. No one to love and no one to hold. Makes my life so cold. So that now I feel old. I feel as if I no soul. So now I must go.Please leave me alone. So that I won't hurt anyone any more. Kill me or I will kill myself. So I won't be in anyone's way. I leave you now, as the bullet enters my heart. Death as I know it has now begun. Look at this sweet beyond. Nothing here is wrong, all is right. This is what I was missing in my life. Peace that pleasant thing I have never know, has come to me. Come to me you sweet peace, and hold me in your tender arms tonight. So that I may find happy. Happiness that thing I wanted so bad while I was alive. Has finally found me. This is were I belong. I no longer long to be loved. I no longer need anyone one to care. Because no one's here. I'm all alone just like before. But here I have no needs no wants. This is were I should have been all that time.

I warned you to stay away. I told you to keep your feelings at bay. Warning you it would never work. Telling you, you would only get hurt. I watched you grow, and begin to change. While I went insane. Knowing I would cause you pain. I saw you tremble when you were weak. As I sit and weep. I don't want to wreak such havoc on your heart. If only you could see this chain that is bound to me. I am chained to a man in a grave. No longer here with me. One day I finally found the key. That set me free. Only to be chained again. By a boy that is to young. Alive and well, but blind to me. He holds my heart, and the key. To this iron clasp around me. So can't you see. I can never set you free. You have bound yourself to me. Yet you didn't see the chain that bound me. I don't mean to cause you pain and misery. I was just trying to be me. I tried to help, to set you free. You are no longer weak, and you don't tremble at the knee's. I saw your sin, on a whim. To bad you can never win. For my chains are made of gold. From a story yet to be told. Set forth from the mold. Made before I was born. On that lowly morn. I was cursed to always be chained to the wrong man. To never be set free. So can't you see. It can never be.

I sit here alone with my thought's. As the sun glints off the knife lying in front of me, and I ponder wearily if the time has come to put my life to rest. My train of thought shifts, as my life flashes before me. Of all the good things I've done, I know that I've done more bad. I wish I could go back and change it, but the time is now. And what's done is done. The sun still shines on the knife. As I see the reflection of a girl I don't know. Even though it's my face. I knew in my heart it wasn't me. The girl was beautiful as I am not. She was smiling and I was frowning. Her eyes were happy and dry. While mine were sad and wet with unshed tears. She was quite and I was screaming. To bad this girl in the reflection was not me. So I put the knife to my skin, and began to cut. I felt no pain as I watched my life's blood flow from my body. I only have regrets of a life that I lost. Because I tried to please everyone but myself. I began to get dizzy as the blood kept flowing. I knew I would die soon. I thought of all the goals I would never reach. As the blood ran down my leg. I screamed inside for the love I would never have, or the babies I would never bounce on my knee. That's when I knew I couldn't go back it was too late. So finally when the last drop of blood trickled down my leg. Tears also rolled down my cheeks. For a life that was never mine.

Have you ever heard a lonely heart screaming into the night? Have you seen the tears,that are never shed? Does a broken heart heal? Can the lonely ever be loved? I'm tired of always being a stand in. For someone who's not their. Just once I want to come frist. Why are the ones left behind? The frist to cry. Why am I always the one, watching people walk away? Dream weaver, please weave a dream for me. Make this feeling of lonelyness disappear. Let me feel whole. Even if it's only in my dreams. Why do I always feel like I can just disappear. And no one would notice? Am I so invisable? I envy those people who belong. Who know how to have fun. Who actually have freinds. I take on so much. So that I fall exhuasted into bed and sleep. That way I don't see how lacking my life is. Poems of fantasy. Words written on paper. Dreams that will never come true. Life a game. That I am destined to lose. I feel like someone standing outside the party. Looking in. Because no one thought to ask me. They all say she's to busy or pratical to stop by. Why am I stable? With my feet frimly rooted to the ground. Why can't I just live in the moment? Sometime's I just want to disappear into oblivion. Tired of this bleck existence. I'm tired of the tear stain's on my pillow. That no one ever see's. Pain my only freind. And sorrow for my comfort. Tear's in the eyes of a lonely women are never seen. But tear's in the eyes of a lovely women are always seen.