Icarus's blog: "Somantics"

I had a long chat with my mother this evening.

How I can't quite turn things around right now, and I think I've struck one of the primary causes.

Every day I wake up thinking about balance

justice.

My code of "don't fuck with me, and I won't fucking kill you in a painful and expressive way".

A code that worked for many years, and is constantly tested in my adult life.

I wake up every day, dark, hopeless, and angry and emotionally prepared to murder someone, and not get away with it

and not escape justice.

The thought of me killing myself, or finding a way to kill myself in prison did make my mother cry.

I don't like what I am right now. I'm impatient, sleep deprived, pained and exhausted.

It was hard enough to fake being a person before, now I don't even bother, I'm just... bored with it, beneath bothering, and one mean old cuss in the process.

First I wanted stillness... now I crave justice in the form of violence.

Wonder what stage is next...

Bargaining? I'm doing this whole thing backwards.

The real problem is, I think I'm rational and self aware enough to realize nothing will bring about a redemption story in this. Nothing will be gained or learned... no turning point reached, no epiphany, no godsend, no ride into the sunset, no pillar of light and choir of angels.

I just don't have that in me.

I wondered if it was the situation, the lack of a judicial or civil system supporting me, that there was something these people had and I didn't...

and that process was quite disturbing in its own right.

I just want to hurt the people that made this possible.

I don't want to help others in the same situation.

I don't want to tell a compelling story.

I don't want to overcome.

I want the visceral squeeze of their throat as I deprive them of everything they value and took for granted

I want to invade impede and rape their life and their happiness

I want them something worse than me.

"Pay it forward" as it were...

And the only moving on from that is death.

... self destruction came up.

and I've really tried to weigh all that could be... and never really saw any of it as an achievable goal.

I am who I am. I lack what I lack.

Among those things is the capacity to be blissful and undefendedly happy.

I didn't set out to hurt any one. I didn't wake up on the days in question to ruin any one's lives... Why then do so many people intrude into mine with or without that intent and manage to trample my meager attempts at contentment.

How is that fair? And how can you really judge me for wanting to return the favor?

You should be more afraid of the scars you can't see.